themoderndaypirates.com


by Justin

I know that God hates me. Maybe it's because he's a petty bastard who enjoys seeing me pissed off 97% of the day or because I did something wrong (signing my church's guestbook with "Wolverine", "Xena", and "Batman")  But the reason why I know he hates me is because he constantly sticks crap in front of my face. I'm not talking poo but people and concepts that are so utterly retarded that I have to use all my strength not to kill kittens or poking holes in inflatable kiddie pools so I feel that karma is partially leveled out.

The point I'm trying to make is that I hate 7th Heaven. It's a TV show that has been on forever about a pastors' family that doesn't know when to not stick it's face into every fucking situation that occurs in whatever town they live in. I can give you an example of a plotline. A youth does some drugs or something that kicks ass and then they are labeled as "troubled". Then somehow one of the kids befriend the youth and the youth ends up staying at the Camden's house. After having to deal with the youth's abusive father or mother the Camdens spin around 5 times and throw pixie dust in the air and everything is good again.

The biggest reason I hate this show is because it shows Christianity in the most holy of lights.  The Camdens are all on their high horses and because of that they think they have to save EVERYONE. And I mean EVERYONE...from gorillas to lumberjacks to Taiwan.  I have no problems with helping people if they are decent people (or if there is something in it for me) but Jesus fucking Christ they've started a modern day Crusade.

Considering they are always holier then thou they're also hypocrites. They always preach being wholesome but if you take a look at their family there are close to 30 kids. The matri-whore of the family can't keep her legs shut for 5 seconds. It's like the Brady Bunch. If you're trying to save the world then how about not trying to overpopulate YOU ASSHOLES!

Also it seems that everyone but the family has problems but they are very accepting when they just change the individual and mold them into one of their own. It's like soul genocide. If I was every approached by a Camden I would definitely pretend that I was a troubled youth and when they brought me into their home I'd lock everyone in their rooms and proceed to set the house on fire.  Maybe that was a little harsh, but then I remember the episode where the teacher kept on eating Lucy's lunch so she could solve a math problem and feel that it would be justified.

Another point is that they always solve all their problems with talking. The show would be much more realistic if there were some knife fights or at least a couple of grenades being thrown. Hell, if the show took a turn for the better and had a plot twist of the church hiring a pirate to chop off heads of the disobedient the show would skyrocket from my most hated to my most beloved TV show.

There were a few times when switching through the channels the remote was taken from me by a hippo and I was forced to watch clips of the show. One time Simon and Rufio, or as I like to call them, The Jerkoff Twins were walking around town and in an attempt to not be called racist they came across two African dudes. These guys were just walking around helping the homeless when the Jerkoff twins had to ask them how to get home because they were lost. The African Guys were actually part of the Lost Boys, a group of POW's who were forced to walk the desert without food for a really long time. I couldn't believe when the plump Jerkoff Twins asked the starving African guys for food. It was like Bill Gates asking for a quarter from a homeless man. Anyway I don't remember what happened but the episode ended with a huge orgy.

In conclusion, 7th Heaven is a racist, hypocritical, unrealistic piece of trash which is putting it nice. It not only steps on every imagineable groups' feet, it makes those groups feel inferior. If you want to get rid of 7th Heaven you can just stop watching it. But if you want to support 7th Heaven, you should go out and commit hate crimes


themoderndaypirates.com