By Cade

I assume I need no introduction. After getting off the plane to France and entering the strange country, I came to a realization. French people don’t speak English. So in order to find Nevin’s prized possession, I first was forced to go to a local bookstore and purchase a French dictionary. I knew I would get tired of telling people my name, so I put on a blue nametag I got at Andrew Hermalyn’s Bar Mitzvah.


I made several observations about the new land I was in while I was there, first of which is that they don’t high five. When I put my hand up and expected to slap a French man’s hand, they tought I am waving hello or about to hit them. However, the first rule in Cade’s handbook about traveling to a foreign land is always pretend to know what you’re doing, even if you don’t know what city you’re in. This led me to walk around aimlessly for two hours pretending I was late for something.

Then, to my surprise, a young French girl walked up to me and asked if I could read something she was holding. Silly me, I took it thinking it was a letter from her far away parents or something. As I began reading it I realized this person just wants money from me. Slightly disappointed, I shook my head in rejection, but I found that the girl was looking behind me.

When I turned around I saw that there were three threatening looking Frenchmen who seemed to appear out of nowhere. As they approached me I looked around and realized that, to my absolute horror, we were the only ones on the street. I turned back to the girl who was now giggling at me, for she knew my fate. I backed up against the wall and tried to keep my heart from jumping out of my stomach. I couldn’t help it. I screamed so loud and begged for mercy.

“PLEASE STAY AWAY! I AM AN AMERICAN!” The little girl stepped up. She seemed to be the leader.

“I have what you seek”, she said in flawless English as she took Harry the Hagfish from her pocket.


“HEY! That’s Nevin’s"

“I will give you your freedom and your friend’s disgusting toy if you do something for me.”

I waited fearfully for the favor she was about to ask, “Well?” I asked.

“Take me out on a date”, she said strongly.

‘WHAAAAT?!’ I thought. ‘This is so screwed up! What is she? 12? 13?!’

“If you don’t,” she declared, “I’ll have my brothers break all your teeth and stick you bloody like the swine you are. Well? Yes or no?”

I briefly considered my options and replied “Oui.”

Now I had never been on a date before, so I knew that the movies were my best bet. I asked her what she wanted to see and she answered “M. et Mm. Smith.” Not only did I have to buy her ticket, but I also had to buy tickets for her shady brothers as well.

I walked up the concession stand and ordered a large popcorn and Mountain Dew. The man working there was puzzled by my order of Mountain Dew. I then came to the slow sick realization that the man had never heard of it. Cade’s word of advice: they don’t have Mountain Dew out of the United States, so if you’re like me and can’t handle that, don’t leave. I also found that instead of salt, my popcorn was covered in sugar.

‘This country just keeps getting better and better.’

I sat down in our seats with her brothers behind us. The theatre was much smaller than American ones, but was relatively crowded. I suddenly felt awkward and felt I needed to make conversation. I knew that if she didn’t have a good time, my wishes wouldn’t be granted.


“Sooo..Uhh..Whats your name?”

“Eh?! I am Susan Lefferts.”  She seemed annoyed by my question. I remember thinking: ‘That’s not an French name at all!’

“ Well… old are you?”

“ I have 18 years, and you?” She was much older than I expected.

“Uh same, 18 years”, I lied. She actually was pretty good looking too. I began to think that the situation wouldn’t be so bad.

The lights dimmed and the movie started. It had a dynamite beginning, but it got a little slow on the middle. Frankly, the plot of the movie didn’t even matter to me, because it had Angelina Jolie, and she is so freaking HOT. I’m sorry to disagree with any girls out there, but she really really is. Plus you have your Chad Michael Murray and your Steve Buschemi you seem to always be drooling over. But guys should base which movies they see on two things:

1)    What’s it about?
2)   Does it have Angelina Jolie?

Yes, the action, was pretty good and it was a enjoyable movie although it is a little hard to enjoy when three guys behind you basically have knives to your back and you really have to go to the bathroom but you’re too scared to go so you shake your legs the whole time to help hold it, so much so that people think you’re crazy.


During the film she surprised me when she leaned against me and put her head on my shoulder. Initially, I thought, ‘Whoa miss I don’t even know you’, but then I remembered that Nevin once told me, “You don’t need to know a girl at all to be intimate. Also, the darker the room, the better.” 

I put my arm around her in hopes that her brothers wouldn’t do anything violent to me. Thankfully, they did not.

After the movie was over we walked outside and she said, “Thank you! I had a great time”, as if she was imitating the line from a movie. I forced a smile.

“Yes. I also had a great time……..May I have Harry back?”

She kept her promised and returned the Hagfish to me. I expressed my thanks and was about to leave when she grabbed me by the collar and kissed me, long and hard. I was speechless, so I said nothing and kissed her back.

She smiled and said, “Thank you Cade”, and went on her way. ‘

How did she know my name?!’ I thought. And although my whole trip was horrible, when I think of that moment it doesn’t seem so bad. And that’s the story of my first kiss.

The Five Best Moments of
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
5. When they begin fighting eachother in their own house.
4. When Brad says, “Ask me the sex question again” while he is in therapy.
3. Vince Vaughn is really funny in this movie.
2. When I returned to America and burst through the door with Harry the Hagfish I exclaimed to Nevin “NEVIN I FOUND HIM! I FOUND HARRY-WEARY!” He looked slightly disgusted at the sight of it and asked me, “What the hell is that?”
1. I think I’ll be staying in the States from now on.