themoderndaypirates.com


Concieved by Nevin & written by The Modern Day Pirates

TO: GOD@GMAIL.COM
FROM: STEPHAN BASILLE

Dear God,
It's me Steven and I really need help right now.  Recently, I found out that my girlfriend is a bisexual.  Anyway, I feel very pressured and nervous by this situation.  What should I do? Should I keep going out with her? Dump her?.  If you could help me make a good decision I would be very grateful.

TO: STEPHAN BASILLE
FROM: GOD@GMAIL.COM
Dear Steven,
Stop being a queer.  Bisexual's are my best creation aside from the Twinkie, which is damn good.  Go out with your girlfriend, be yourself, and maybe you'll get lucky with some of her friends.
Snoogins
.


TO: GOD@GMAIL.COM
FROM: MICHAEL JACKSON

Hello God,
It's me Michael again and I really need help with my case, seriously. All the little ones are turning on me and it's crazy!  I don't know what to do even Mr. Bubbles doesn't want to talk to me.  I want to do what's best for the children, please help me!

TO: MICHAEL JACKSON
FROM: GOD@GMAIL.COM
Dear Michael,
You have sent me over a billion e-mails in the past month and I'm really starting to get sick of this shit.  Your going to lose the case and be sentenced to life in jail.  Do you understand?  In jail you will be butt raped by large men and will not see a child for the rest of your life.
TO: GOD@GMAIL.COM
FROM: MICHAEL JACKSON
God,
That's ignorant!  I will win the case because the children love me and then I can bring then all home to drink Jesus-Juice and cuddle with me!


TO: GOD@GMAIL.COM
FROM: KEANU REEVES
God,
My name is Keanu Reeves and I really need help with my acting.  It's like whoa God.  My acting just TOTALLY sucks, man.  If you could like help me..with my..acting that would be AWESOME.  Thanks a lot big dude.
TO: KEANU REEVES
FROM: GOD@GMAIL.COM
Dear Keanu,
You will always suck at acting and I hope you burn in hell.  The only role you can ever correctly play is Bill from Bill and Ted's and you should just shoot yourself before you inspire other bad actors.


TO: GOD@GMAIL.COM
FROM: JIM BERK
God,
I am the Night Manager at Burger King, 36, bald and a virgin. I also live with my mother. You've taken my youth, my looks, and my dignity.  I have attended church every week and I do not understand why my life is so bad. Please tell me what I need to do to be happy
TO: JIM BERK
FROM: GOD@GMAIL.COM
Oh crap, I'm really sorry Jim.  I accidently messed up and gave you the life that David Spade was supposed to have...oh wait, that's pretty much the life David Spade has had. To make it up to you I'll give you the lottery numbers for next weeks' pick 6 and as a bonus I'll kill David Spade
Love, God


TO: GOD@GMAIL.COM
FROM: NEVIN
Dear God,
     I have really been worried about my dog's health. Yesterday he ate a whole chicken and 6 slices of pizza and hasn't moved since. I think i might haved killed him. Please bring him back to life so nobody will get mad at me.
 
P.S.Thanks for giving me guidence with that chick last night.
TO: NEVIN
FROM: GOD@GMAIL.COM
Dear Nevin
    Your dog is not dead Nevin, but he has grown so abnormally obese that it hurts him to breath. Try a vet you idiot. You should get a new pet, like an opossum. I created the opossum thinking that they would be the ideal household pet, but so far most people are still just revolted by them. The opossum was modeled after a log i left in the toilet and is the most beautiful creation, but you humans have discarded it and refered to it as vermin.

P.S. Uh Nevin, that chick was a dude.


TO: GOD@GMAIL.COM
FROM: MACHO-MAN RANDY SAVAGE
Ohhhhh yeah, can you dig it big guy!?!? I'm the Macho Man and I need a little help. The problem is that I need to find the Hulkster because he stole my World Heavyweight Belt...and my teletubbes keychain....Oh Yeahhhhhhhhh
TO: MACHO-MAN RANDY SAVAGE
FROM: GOD@GMAIL.COM
Macho Man, you were put on this planet for one reason...to get married on live TV to Ms. Elizabeth. That was accomplished about 15 years ago and even though I want you to get your title and keychain I have more important things.  Remember in Bill and Ted's when their
music saved the world? I want you to put out a hip-hop CD and it will be declared the new bible and will bring peace to the world.
Rock on, God
TO: GOD@GMAIL.COM
FROM: MACHO-MAN RANDY SAVAGE
DONE
http://www.machoman.com/
OH YEAAAAHHH!!!


TO: GOD@GMAIL.COM
FROM: BRITNEY SPEARS
Dear God,
Oh my God, hi!  I mean...wow, I just used your name because I was so amazed that I am talking to you, God!  Oh God, I am so silly!  NEways, I have been having some problems.  For one, I am married to white trash (But don't tell him, LOLOLOL).  He wears wife beaters all the time, and I think he thinks he's "gangster"...whatever that is.  Plus, everyone thinks I'm preggers! I just don't know what to do!  I feel so sad, I just want to go to Starbucks and get a GRANDE latte, you know? I mean, it's really THAT bad! PLZ help me God!  K thx!
TO: BRITNEY SPEARS
FROM: GOD@GMAIL.COM
Dear Britney,
Look, you married the pond scum.  Didn't you notice that 90% of his attire is white, or slighty off-white wife beaters, before you married him?  Or did your wads of cash blind you from that? From the pictures of your flabby ass grabbing his crotch on your 400 million dollar balcony, I don't think you're crying over this. As far as the baby business, I pray to myself that you aren't.  I mean, what would she think at three years old, when she sees her mom trying on her shirts? Poor kid.  I feel bad for it already, and the kid isn't even conceived yet. I wish grande lattes were so big, you could drown in it.  Please stop ruining what I created.


TO: GOD@GMAIL.COM
FROM: SATAN
Yo God,
I am having a wicked Kegger down here on Friday. The Angels and you are welcome as always, but I would prefer if you didn't tell your son after what happened last time. I hope you like your beer a little warm, 'cause we always have a problem with keeping the ice.
TO: SATAN
FROM: GOD@GMAIL.COM

Hey man. Yeah, I'll be there. I am sorry about the last time. Once you give Jesus even the smallest bit of water, poof its wine and that kid just can't hold his alcohol, he is nothing but skin and bones.
-God



TO: GOD@GMAIL.COM
FROM: SCOTT STAPP
Good day God,
I'm writing to tell you I'm back after a long absence. I know I resented you for awhile after my band broke up. But things are getting better. The hallucinations are less frequent now. I've also come to grips with the fact that I won't be in the Rock and Roll Hall of fame for at least another two or three years. I'm a changed man. Bless you!
TO: SCOTT STAPP
FROM: GOD@GMAIL.COM

Dear Scott,
Just when I thought I wouldn't have to talk to you again, I get this. Thanks a lot. My week is ruined now because of you. I liked you better when you had dementia. Please find that self-loathing of yours again. Anything to keep you from writing more shitty music.
Go to Hell,
God



TO: GOD@GMAIL.COM
FROM: OSAMA BIN LADEN
Allah my savior,
The Great Satan is doing more harm than ever to my people. Al Queda will not tolerate these infidels invading our land anymore. The greedy Americans will never learn that violence solves nothing, but instead makes the gap between our cultures ever greater, until nothing remains. In response to this new Crusade, I have spent many nights in deep thought on if the next course of action should be taken, and our arsenal of America-destroying nuclear warheads used. Allah, my last hope, I do not know what to do at this challenging time. It was never my intention to use such drastic measures. I need your help oh Great One. If you don't respond with a decision in an hour, I will assume you wish for me to go through with our plan.
TO: OSAMA BIN LADEN
FROM: GOD@GMAIL.COM

To Osama,
Hey, I'm sorry, I'm using an iMac and your font didn't translate. Could you resend that again?



TO: GOD@GMAIL.COM
FROM: BILL HURST
Dear God,
With the Lord of the Rings Trilogy completed, the soon series finale of Star Trek Enterprise (considered in some circles to be the last Star Trek television show), and the up-coming final Star Wars film, I have realized I have nothing left to live for.
TO: BILL HURST
FROM: GOD@GMAIL.COM

Bill,
You were placed on this Earth to eventually become the President of the United States and bring peace and order to the world. Unfortunately you got a little sidetracked and when you should have been studying in college, you decided to watch reruns of FarScape and had to drop out. I give up on your whole species.

 


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