themoderndaypirates.com


By Brandon

Let's be honest. Our childhood memories are slowly being torn to shreds in this new 80's retro-renaissance. Today I discovered a new part of my childhood that has been perverted to sell in the world of today.

Do you remember Push-Pops?

Pop Top

I used to love Push-Pops, in fact I loved any candy that offered any kind of gimmick. Ring-Pops, Push-Pops, Baby-Bottle Pops, they all offered something beyond the sugar rush and I would fall right into the trap. For the two to three quarters that I would shell over for these items I could be getting a lot more candy and a lot less plastic, but I would be missing out on all the "fun".

What made Push-Pops so tantalizing to me was the ingenious portability of the candy. What other candy featured a Belt-Clip? I was an on the go kind of child and I had clubhouses to build and a younger brother to pick-on, so I needed my sugar on the go. I would just attach two of three Push-Pops to belt and with this utility belt of sugar, I was set for the day. Unlike other Lollypops, the Push-Pop had a built in cover. It could stand the elements. Not to mention the Push-Pop resembled a Lightsaber, adding even more points to its cool factor.

Obi-Wan

PushPop

So recently, when at the local supermarket standing in line, I find a line-up of Push-Pops along with all the other candy they put there to entice the children shopping with their parents. I had to buy one. I grabbed the red, because the cherry was always my favorite.

This is when it all went wrong.

Out in the parking lot, I open the top of the Push-Pop and nearly have a heart-attack, peeing myself in front of a young child, startling her. In my shaking hand, the candy of the Push-Pop is fully extended out of its protective casing. I discover the Push-Pop is now spring-loaded, automatically literally launching itself out of its case when the cover is removed.

I thought this new design to be really cool at first. It added a whole new fun factor to my candy. I took a lick.

"GAAAAAAAH!!!! THAT'S NOT CHERRY!" I screamed out, compulsively spitting all over the child in front of me. Apparently a red top no longer signifies cherry candy. I am instead forced into licking "Raspberry Lemonade: Artificially Flavored". I miss when flavors were simple. We had cherry, grape, lemon, orange, maybe lime. No surprises and no hybrids of flavors that were never intended to be mixed.

Pushpop up

I attached the Push-Pop to my belt and later in the day opened the top. The pop was stuck in the case from my previous licking and because the new design, the Push-Pop no longer has the hole at the bottom to PUSH up the POP. I used my teeth to tug on the pop and freed it from the case, but due to the new "Pop Up Action" feature, the lollypop stick launched itself at the back of my throat. This caused me to promptly vomit all over another child who had unfortunately been next to me at the time.

I have had it. What level of laziness have we reached, that we had to take the PUSH out of the POP??? AUTOMATIC PUSH-POPS! When will it end? When we are living in a world where we don't have to leave our beds and still can have a paying job, shop, and get porn? Wait, we already are.

I beg Push-Pop Inc. or whatever corporation is behind the Push-Pop market to bring back my lollypop of choice, or atleast rename this freak-of-nature thing pictured at the left to something like Spring-Pop or Pop-Pop. Secondly, please add some kind of warning, because even though the package recommends to not give the pop to children three and under, it did far more damage to young children in my hands then it would in their's.

 


|


themoderndaypirates.com