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Dragged to Shop Rite
By Nevin

While growing up your parents must've dragged you to random stores for window shopping, its a part of childhood. They couldn't leave you at home, but then they couldn't miss out on the weekend shopping trip everyone in America is required to take. As a child I was dragged everywhere, pulled away from my Altered Beast on Sega Genesis playing to go to stores that very rarely even had toys.

My mom was the worst out of the two and my brother and I very often would be forced to be her assistants. I remember going to Bradlees, Shoprite, Marshalls, K-Mart, and others to watch my mom sort through random piles of clothing to see if she can find that certain thing on sale. Everything had to be on sale (wholesale prices were a rarity and actually still are in my family). My mom would constantly drag me through these stores not only for shopping, but pain. I would friggin yell, scream, kick anything to get me out of those stores. The Kmart and Shop-Rite represent all the pain in my life. I HATE DEPARTMENT STORES! It's was like a never-ending voyage through the racks of clothing and crap.

I remember my brother and I got so bored we would intentionally get lost. I was the king at getting lost. When my mom wasn't looking, I would dart into the clothing racks, hiding amonst the Wonderbras and discount Skorts (its not quite a skirt and not quite a skirt! Its a Skort!) and wait for my mom to walk away, deep into her quest for that one item that was 70% on clearance and allegable for her 10 dollar off coupon. Once she was out of site, I would bolt out of my fortress. I would go to the costumer service desk after an hour or so in the toy section (which I would be rarely in if my mom had anything to say about it) and my mom would be called down to the desk. This being her punishment.

The only good memory of these stores was the food. If you we were lucky we would be allowed to get food from the stores' places of consession. At K-Mart you would get Little Ceasars pizza, which till this day is amazing. I can not seem to find Little Ceasars anywhere but Kmart in my area, I think the whole chain went under, but since nothing is allowed to change from 1987 in Kmart, they stayed open. When we were at Bradlees, a pretzel and Icee was expected. Then there was Shoprite. God knows how much crap I got at Shoprite. I remember playing a game called see how much random garbage I can fit into the basket and go home with. When it came time to check out, my mom's cart would be filled with candy, cereal, and ice cream. Then she would have to put everything back, but some stuff would always slip through and she would buy it. It was priceless.

When we were out shopping with our mom, being children who may have had a large Icee, we would have to use the bathroom. The problem here was my mom was extremely afraid to let us go in the bathroom alone, she watched far too much Dateline you see. Because of this, we would have to go in the Women's Bathroom so she could follow. She made us do this until an age I will not disclose, but it all ended when this crazy old lady came up to my brothe and I and started screaming, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE!!" and starting hitting us with her purse. After this event, we were allowed to use the Men's room.

Even till this day I am dragged to go to department stores with my mom every now and then. Just today she made me go to Shoprite with her because the words lifting, heavy, and objects don't fit into her vocabulary. So, I went to Shoprite and I got a shitload of fruit snacks (yes fruit snacks!). I think there will never be a day where I hate fruit snacks. Fruit Roll-Ups, Fruit-By-The-Foot, Spider-Man, Batman... If it is a small mold of sugar in the shape of lovable characters, you name it I love it. Anyway, I still throw random shit in the cart and I get the same reaction, but slightly different. "Aren't you a little too old to do this?" and I say to my mom "As long as I'm old enough to be dragged to Shoprite, I will continue doing this"..

Now, if it wasn't my mom dragging me somewhere to go shopping it would be my dad. Two words: Home Depot. Whenever I hear those words I want to pour gasoline all over my clothes and light a match. I HATE HOME DEPOT! MORE THAN ANY Home Despot F*&KING PLACE EVER! Walking up and down those aisles my dad had a huge smile on his face because he knew...not only was he having a great time checking out power tools, but he was annoying the shit out of me. Its like his own Toys R US. I recall one time my dad buying a plunger when we had 4 others at home just so we had to walk through the 15 other aisles to get to it. Oh yea..and you couldn't just skip an aisle...YOU HAD TO WALK THROUGH EVERY FRIGGIN ONE! NOTHING ABOUT HOME DEPOT WAS FUN! THERE WERE NO PLACES TO HIDE THAT WOULDN'T KILL YOU...NO FOOD TO EAT...NOT A SINGLE ITEM I HAD ANY INTEREST IN...NOTHING BUT THE SMELL OF WOOD AND OLD MEN. GOD I HATE HOME DEPOT.

Well, now that I'm older my dad doesn't take me to Home Depot and whenever he asks I say "Dad, if you take me there I will go to the tool department, get an exacto knife, and end it all" and he replies "Good, atleast you know the department names!".


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