By Brandon

The Internet

It has become a household word, an irreplaceable part of our lives, the first invention that truly changed the way we live our lives in many years and much more.  At this very moment, you are probably on the Internet.  If you are not, I would love to know how you are reading this.  But for all of its majesty and glory, the Internet raises many questions… What is the Internet?  Where is the Internet?  Who is the Internet?  After much research and experimentation, I believe I have unearthed the secrets behind everyone’s favorite source of information and pornography.

Your Computer...

Keeping it as simple as possible, on your computer you use a program called a “browser”.  If you use Internet Explorer, your screen will look like this:

Internet Explorer was programmed in 1995 by college students as a homework assignment entitled  “Make the Worst Piece of Software Possible”.  Instead of doing the assignment, the inventors or IE went to a mixer instead and left an hour to program before class the next morning.  Unfortunately, they slept through their alarm and finished the program as the professor was collecting the papers and hence IE 1.0 was born.

Do me a favor, if you are using this ass-backwards piece of ocelot feces, stop reading my article and click here to download a program that actually works.

So how does your computer work?  Well that is not the title f the article, so I am just going to use the definition that the common person uses:

Computer: (n)  a magic machine that I plug a keyboard, small television-like object , and mouse into.  They are evil and crash so I lose all my data, which I never save, because I can’t find that button.  My friend gets music on their computer somehow, but I can’t figure that out.

So we have a simple system here. User -> Computer -> Internet

Surprisingly, with normal use the average user could find themselves in a situation like this.

How It All Works

So what is this Internet and how does it work?  Once your computer is plugged into the Internet, it will not work.  You will then spend one to nine hours on the phone with some guy in India trying to get the Internet working.  You will most likely become good friends with your Tech-Support Hindu out-sourced companion and eventually will figure out that you just had to restart your computer.

A computer science major will describe the Internet as a global network of computers, but I know otherwise, because I have seen The Internet.  I was walking home one night, when a van pulled along side of me.  Three men in black suits emerged and told me to hop in.  Now I am always happy to get into strangers cars, because they often give me candy.  I got into the back of the van and down.  There were seven guys in black suits and sunglasses staring at me.  They told me I was chosen to learn the true meanings of The Internet and that we would be there soon.  They handed me a Snickers bar and by the time I was done we had arrived.

I wasn’t too sure of where we were, since the van’s windows were blackened, but when I stepped out of the van we were in the desert.  This was especially strange, since I live in New Jersey.  I was led underground and through a series of tunnels, until I found myself in a gigantic room with an undeterminable ceiling.  In the middle of this cavernous space was a creature unlike any I had ever seen.  It defied description, but I was able to make an artist’s rendering.

It turned to me and said, “Brandon! I am  the all powerful internet.”

I responded, “But, isn’t the Internet a global network of computers, that links through…”

“SILENCE!  You may ask one question, make it a good one.”


“And not too long!”

“Of course.”

“And nothing about who is going to win American Idol”


“Then ask.”

“All powerful Internet, What is the meaning of life?”

The Internet nodded it head and looked at me.  It paused, seeming to collect its thoughts.  I knew then that either I had asked it the question it had been waiting for its entire existence, or it was stumped.

As I shifted my weight in anticipation, as the Internet raised its hand in my direction and said,


Disagree? Comments?