Come on, Leave Transformers 2 Alone

Movie critics today are under a lot of pressure. Sure, many people still take their advice seriously, but more are rushing off to Metacritic and Rotten Tomatoes every day. Critics have simply become a number, so they are getting more and more extreme. Case in point: Transformers 2.

At the time of this writing, Rotten Tomatoes gives Transformers 2 a rating of 25%, with Meta Critic giving it a 40/100.  Normally, I wouldn’t see a movie that is rated this low, but then I read some of the reviews. The reviewers do what they always do, pick about plotline, story, dialogue, cinematography, pacing, etc.  Here is the problem…

This is Transformers 2.

This is a movie about giant robots from space that transform into cars and trucks and then fight each-other. That is all they do, and they do it well. Transformers 2 is a movie based on a cartoon series based on a comic book based on toys. Michael Bay and Steven Speilberg knew this, and they made just that.

Mike Nelson of Mystery Science Theater once wrote that he believes Road House to be the greatest film ever made. He said this, because he firmly believes the makers of that movie set out to make a movie about a world famous bar bouncer who cleans up a small town, and that is exactly what they made. I firmly believe that Michael Bay and Spielberg knew they weren’t going to make Schindler’s List, hell they weren’t even going to make Jurassic Park 3. They were going to make a movie that was what every little boy has in his head as he crashes matchbox cars in his sandbox.

Sure, action movies can be really intelligent and have thick plots. For this to be done correctly, the subject matter has to call for it. Most critics loved Star Trek (as did I, I think it is one of greatest films I’ve ever seen), but Star Trek from its conception was supposed to infuse smart action with great characters. Transformers from its conception was supposed to sell toys to children. If the makers of Transformers 2 tried to infuse any kind of deeper meaning, it would cease to be Transformers 2. Star Trek and Transformers 1 & 2 were in fact written by the same writers, Orci & Kurtzman. These are men who slave over the subject matter and try to capture what makes each thing what it is.

While watching Transformers 2, the second your mind starts to think “what’s going on?”, just say to yourself quietly, “space robots” and enjoy.

That is why I think there should be a sign posted on every theater playing Transformers 2. This sign would look something like this:

So lets take the consensus review from Rotten Tomatoes and look at it based on what I have explained

Consensus: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a noisy, underplotted, and overlong special effects extravaganza that lacks a human touch.

Noisey = Good. I wouldn’t expect two four-story robots punching each-other to be something I could sleep through.

Underplotted = Again, who put the peanut butter in my chocolate? Lets keep the deeper meaning and story out of my robots.

Overlong= The american public has to spend $9-11 on a movie (more if they get tricked into fake iMax) and then $15 dollars on snacks. I wouldn’t mind movies being five hours at that price.

Special effects extravaganza= Awesome.

Lacks a human touch = Exactly. It. Is. About. Robots. Want a robot movie with a human touch, rent Bicentennial Man. I dare you.

Thanks. Looks like I am going to go see Transformers 2, sounds perfect.