Brorgies: The Next Step in Action Movies

So it’s almost spring and that means only one thing in Hollywood; time to promote the crap out of summer movies.  Yep, even before the first cherry blossom can wriggle it’s way from the constricting buds which encapsulate it, producers in L.A. think you *really* need to know about Seth Rogen’s dick-joke-encrusted screen gem.

This summer, though, Hollywood is offering up a major incentive to get people into theatres: 3-Friggin’-D!  Pretty much everything this summer is in 3d and it’s only going to snowball from there.  “Toy Story 3”: It’s like the stiff plastic face of Tim Allen is talking to you!  “Sex and the City 2”: It’s like you’re actually menstruating in a high-priced New York City nightclub!  “Step Up 3D”:  Sadly, the only joke associated with this one is that this is an actual film.

That, though, is the obvious trend kicking off this summer’s slew of blockbusters, but you already knew that would be the case after watching James Cameron’s blue salamander people epic, Avatar.  What I am here to tell you about, though, is the impending movie trend that Hollywood has planned to delight you with (see, “jam down our throats”).  What I’m talking about is the evolution of cinema’s focus from leading men, to buddy comedies, to our current trend the “bromance”, and beyond.  Hollywood is prepared to continue down this path and unleash what I dub the “brorgy”.  A brorgy, by definition as an extension of the “bromance”, takes the principles of male bonding, yet makes it creepily funny while enlarging the cast to several dudes.  It’s sort of like sharing a bunk in summer camp, but the antics are funded by major studios, and four out of your six bunk mates have substance abuse problems.

What makes me think this?  Well, because this summer we have multiple movies with large casts of dudes blowing crap up.  I know this doesn’t seem to make any sense, but hear me out as properly define what exactly constitutes a “bromance”.  See, the modern “bromance” can be traced back to the buddy films, as I mentioned earlier.  However, I also contend that since a “bromance” more or less deconstructs the assumptions of manliness, they are specifically reactions to the old bad-ass buddy cop films: “48 Hours”, “Lethal Weapon”, “Bad Boys” et-friggin’-cetera.  While there were moments of bonding in those movies, it was always a byproduct of hard-as-nails lawmen dudes blowing up copious amounts of bad guy ass.

What did Riggs and Murtock love more than bustin' perps? Staring contests.

Take away the car chases, replace the damsel in distress’s drug baron pimp with a douchey med school boyfriend, and you have a film where Paul Rudd and Michael Cera share awkwardly long stares while playing Wii bowling and talking about how they’re afraid to approach Kristin Bell.

So, now that we’re on the same level, let me break down two highly-anticipated movies coming out this summer that will be ushering in Hollywood’s next cash cow.  These are the “brorgy” pre-cursors, and what they will result in.

Liam Neeson as Hannibal as George W. Bush

The A-Team

Synopsis:  Based on the popular 80’s television show by the same name, a crew of highly trained military men are framed for a military crime they didn’t commit.  They escape the uncompromising hand of military justice and flee underground, and as the A-Team, take on military missions that suit their own brand of justice… military style.

Potential Awesome Level: 7/10

A roided-out brawler, a rouge-ish man about town, and a possibly drug addled helicopter pilot are led by a cigar chomping war hero as they trod into gun fights that, if they’re anything like the ones in the T.V. show, can only be described as “bullet bukkakes”… what’s not to love?

Awesome Moment to Watch For:

Faceman (played by Bradley Cooper) embeds himself in a cadre of Thai pirates and plants an explosive device in the hull of their ship as they dock.  Once docked, he detonates the device which leaves a convenient van sized opening, allowing Hannibal to ram the team’s vehicle of choice snugly inside.  Once aboard, the van releases it’s deadly cargo known as B.A. Barakas (played by Quintin “Rampage” Jackson), who takes it upon himself to bring the eighteen-man crew to justice via vicious mohawked headbutts to the face.

Potential Dude Awkwardness: 5/10

Besides the fact that I just used a group sex term to describe their action sequences, these guys spend extended amount of time together alone in a van with tinted windows.

Awkward Dude Moment to Watch For:

After witnessing the frightening spectacle of righteous violence that the determined Barakas has unleashed upon the enemies of justice, the team has trouble diverting their eyes from the rage boner straining against the zipper of his cargo pants.

The Expendables

Synopsis: A team of former military-men-turned-mercenaries travel to South America in order to liberate a nation by confronting a ruthless and demented dictator… wait a minute this sounds like the A Team 2… but holy crap the cast is awesome!

Potential Awesome Level: 9/10

Seriously!  Look at this cast!  Sylvester Stallone!  Jason Statham!  Jet Li!  Randy Couture!  It’s like the casting director just went to a video store and made a list of the names that appear on every DVD cover that had a dude jump kicking a bad guy in a face in front of an exploding car!

Awesome Moment to Watch For:

I honestly think that every frame of this movie will just be shirtless dudes blowing crap up while shooting guns amidst a sea of smoldering carnage.

Mr. Lundgren's reaction to the news that the crew can't find a flesh toned body suit in "Humongous Swede" size.

Potential Dude Awkeardness: 9/10

Okay, the trailers for this movie are pretty much dripping in bad-assery.  Dripping.  The only thing, though, is that this film was written by Stallone… and the character he plays is a man

“trying to make up for a failure he committed long ago”.  Could this be him making up for a stinker in the past?  Is Sly developing a conscious about making movies that pretty much just have bad guys being perforated by burly heroes possessed with a black and white view of justice?  Dare he try to include complex and sentimental heroes!?!

Awkward Dude Moment to Watch For:

I honestly think that after the closing credits, there will be an “easter egg” clip of Sylvester Stallone and Dolph Lundgren in a sweaty, nude embrace amidst a sea smoldering carnage.