Clandestine Meal Time: Chipotle Edition

Everyone enjoys being a part of an exclusive club.  Just ask the Freemasons: they get cool rings, have secret meetings in torch-lit chambers, and perform secret ceremonies with swords and nudity.  Fun times to be had by all involved!

However, being a part of a clandestine organization isn’t all just fancy jewelry and laboriously avoiding inappropriate eye contact with your middle-aged, bearded, and loosely robed cohort, Keith, while smearing goat’s blood over your naked body in order to properly celebrate the Vernal Equinox.  No, it all starts with undergoing a rigorous initiation, centered on the learning of greatly important information.

Well, today, my friends, I invite you into my secret order: “The Clandestine Meal Munchers” a.k.a. “People Who Know Too Much About Fast Food”.  This revered order is a sect of individuals who are bound by a truth so bold and profound that abuse of said knowledge would tear a hole so large and ragged in the fabric of reality that it would make Cthulu himself loose all control over his big ol’ eldritch bowels.  I am, of course, talking about the knowledge of the Chipotle quesadilla.

That’s right, Chipotle offers a quesadilla.  You may now take a minute or two to wipe off the Mountain Dew from your computer monitors in order to explain to your significant others, parents, and/or pets why you excitedly screeched a vile obscenity.  All better?  Good.  Now where was I?

Ah, yes. When gazing upon that big burgundy-colored board you will see all manner of strange ethnic food options that the Aztecs never wished for pithy commoners to eat.  You will also notice, though, a complete absence of quesadillas as such an option.  For most, that would be enough of a signal to abandon all hope for a highly anticipated orgy of cheese and meat in their mouths.  Fret not though my friends, for below I will divulge the secrets of how to induce said orgy in your mouth.

They key to obtaining the perfect Chipotle quesadilla is preparedness.  You must know that this process is extremely simple and requires but two words from your quivering, cheese deprived lips.  You see, the quesadilla in question is available in a myriad of flavors spanning the Chipotle rainbow: steak, chicken, barbacoa, and carnitas (which is Spanish for AWESOME).

Now, before you actually go up to that counter and order your own chiquito slice of Mexican heaven, you must make sure there aren’t too many people on line… either before or after you.  You see, while the quesadilla is not a complex creation, it does require a lot of time to cook.  What they will do is tenderly procure a tortilla and delicately warm it up for just a second or two in the hot presser.  Then, they’ll lovingly sprinkle shredded cheese upon its interior and follow up by administering a healthy dose of your choice of meat (if any).  Next, they will take special care to fold the quesadilla, taking the greatest of pains not to let its contents spill out.  Finally, they will then press the quesadilla, thereby cooking it to a light golden brown complexion.

Now, if you’ve ever been to the house that Chipotle built, you’ll notice that my description goes against the standard protocol that the employees must adhere to.  The cheese comes first, and then the meat.  What?  That’s crazy talk!  It is… if you ask for a quesadilla during a lunch or dinner time rush.  Your order will sew chaos as your black apron’ed server has to rush his sorry, over worked self around the barrage of burrito bowls being systematically crafted.  Way to go, jerk.

Instead, for optimal Chiptole quesadilla enjoyment, the quesadilla should be ordered when there are few on line (especially in front of you) as to ensure that you don’t totally ruin the workers at the Chipotle’s day.  Also, this is in your best interest because it is pretty easy to forget about a cooking quesadilla.  If it’s cooked too long you’ll receive a piece of fast food road kill wrapped in a tin foil body bag.  It’ll bleed hot cheese onto your hands, the tortilla will crackle in your mouth like brown glass, and you know what?  You’ll deserve it.  I hope you choke.

And on that note, my newly inducted brother or sister, I conclude this induction into the hallowed halls of our Fraternity.  Until next time, that is, when I will divulge another secret menu item!