The Action Figure Hall of Shame

Have you ever gone back and watched an old TV show or movie, only to wind up thinking “how did I ever enjoy that?!?”  Well it turns out that nostalgic disappointment does not stop there.  Try looking through some of your old action figures.  Yes, if the G.I.Joe and Transformers movies did not already ruin every cherished childhood memory you ever had, then I am about to.

Let’s start out with a recent figure though.  This one of Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow from the new movie Iron Man 2:

Good lord.  I don’t think the man who sculpted this one has ever actually seen a woman.  Instead of getting a Black Widow figure, we got a miniature scale Scarlett Johansson blow-up doll.  Let’s all be thankful he at least closed her mouth.

Well, moving on.  Let’s step into some more dated, and decidedly nerdier territory here as we take a look at the Jadzia Dax figure from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.  Exhibit A is an attractive female and object of intergalactic nerd lust.   So what does her action figure look like?  Exhibit B seems more inspired by the Bride of Frankenstein.

Moving away from leading ladies for a moment, let’s take a look at one of the most famous movie heroes of all time: Luke Skywalker.  Yes, the whiny kid from the desert planet Tatooine.  Wait, what the hell happened to Luke?!?!  He has pecs.

I never actually thought I’d say this, but we’ve finally found someone who has out Barry-Bondsed Barry Bonds

OK, so back to attractive females.  Xena: Warrior Princess.  Lucy Lawless, the queen of weekend television on the WB.

Yes, they got rid of her torso to make room for extra leg.  Not even to mention the fact that her legs are so far apart I fear a baby could fall out at a moment’s notice.

Lastly, allow me to wrap up this edition of The Action Figure Hall of Shame with a fantastic sculpt of Wayne Knight, the man better known as Newman from Seinfeld, or in this case, Dennis Nedry from Jurassic Park:

Look at those suave glasses and that perfectly coiffed hair.  More importantly, he’s thin.  What the hell happened, Kenner?  Some feel that Kenner was playing into your typical “all male action figures must be jacked heroes” stereotype here, but take a look.  He’s not actually ripped, just seriously slimmed down.  I believe the true motivation was to make him able to fit in the vehicles.  Picture the armies of upset parents when the cries of “this action figure is too fat for this expensive accessory” start up.  We remember your true form, though, Newman!