Rob’s “Five Books that Shaped My Life”

Back in February, Brandon and Amanda wrote pieces on the five books that shaped their life, and this week, Matt chimed in.  Being that I take my cues from Matt on what T-shirts to buy, I decided to follow his lead and chime in myself.    Below is a list of 5 books that shaped me into the man I am today, or in other words, it’s a list of 5 books that could turn you into a condescending jerk most people can’t stand to be around for more than 15 minutes. 

The Never Ending Story

Once while I was being picked on by bullies on my way to school I hid in a bookstore, interrupting the grumpy bookseller, Mr. Koreander. While looking around the store, I asked Mr. Koreander about one of the books I saw, but Mr. Koreander warns me it was “not safe.” Nevertheless, I stole the book and hid in the school’s attic to begin reading “The Neverending Story.”

I was taken into a story about a far away land called Fantasia, a princess, a warrior named Atreyu, and even about a luck dragon named Falkor.  But before I knew it, the story began talking about me specifically.  It was real!  I had to go into the story and meet the princess.  I found out it was my imagination that made their world possible, and in order to save them, i had to imagine stuff.  I saved all of them, and then rode Falkor into the real world to help me beat up the bullies that were chasing me earlier that day.  Those guys were tools. 

NYTURAN DEMONTA

Once while hanging out with some friends of mine from Michigan State went to a cabin in the hills of Tennessee.  We found this book, The NYTURAN DEMONTA., (Also known as the book of the dead, The Necronomicon, etc).  All of a sudden my friends became possessed, even my sister Cheryl.  I ended up having to stab and kill their animated corpses with knives and even a chainsaw (That part was really cool by the way).  I also shot Cheryl in the chest with a shotgun.  Of course my sister and friends didn’t seem to care I killed them a few times over (typical) and kept coming back at me.  Finally I heard voices and barricaded myself into the cellar.   My friends kept trying to break in.  Those guys were tools.  Luckily when the sun came up they all finally died and I was able to escape, until of course it started to get all dark in the forest. 

  Book of Amun-Ra

Ironically Tennessee was not the last time I found the book of the dead.  The next time I was about to be hung in Egypt until this really hot chick who couldn’t act for her life found me in jail.  She paid for my release so I could lead her to the fabled city of Hamunaptra.  We also raced these treasure hunters there who were trying to find gold Egyptian stuff so they could get rich.  Those guys were tools.  That’s when I found the book of the dead again.  Of course someone had to go and read from it.  Luckily this time it didn’t make any of my friends go all zombie, but instead in raised this dude ImhoTep from the dead and he went around stealing everyone’s body parts so he could look like a real person and fix his bad breath because it was attracting locusts.  Imhotep unfortunately was having a problem getting over his ex girlfriend Anck-su-Namun, and was being kind of a jerk about it.  Luckily that’s when the hot chick found the Book of Amun-Ra and made him mortal, and after I had a bunch of sword fights with bad guys who almost looked like they were really there, I stabbed Imhotep and then totally made out with the hot chick. 

 JULIA CHILD’s COOKBOOK: Mastering the Art of French Cooking

There was a period in my life i was stuck in a rut where I had a job I hated and I decided to add some spark to my life by trying to cook my way through Julia Child’s Cookbook.  I was also a really cute Redhead.  What i found by cooking my way through Julia’s cookbook was that there were many similarities between us, and by cooking my way through the book, together we found the recipes for life and love.  Unfortunately French cooking uses so much butter that my husband’s cholesterol went through the roof and he died of a heart attack.  Alright that last part i might have made up. 

The Catcher in the Rye

Before reading this book I never knew how important it was to assassinate John Lennon, Ronald Reagan, and Rebecca Schaeffer, because let’s face it, those guys are tools.  If you’ll excuse me I have to go polish my gun and…what?  They are already dead?  Oh…well I guess…wait…where am I?  What happened?