This summer, though, Hollywood is offering up a major incentive to get people into theatres: 3-Friggin’-D!  Pretty much everything this summer is in 3d and it’s only going to snowball from there.  “Toy Story 3”: It’s like the stiff plastic face of Tim Allen is talking to you!  “Sex and the City 2”: It’s like you’re actually menstruating in a high-priced New York City nightclub!  “Step Up 3D”:  Sadly, the only joke associated with this one is that this is an actual film.

That, though, is the obvious trend kicking off this summer’s slew of blockbusters, but you already knew that would be the case after watching James Cameron’s blue salamander people epic, Avatar.  What I am here to tell you about, though, is the impending movie trend that Hollywood has planned to delight you with (see, “jam down our throats”).  What I’m talking about is the evolution of cinema’s focus from leading men, to buddy comedies, to our current trend the “bromance”, and beyond.  Hollywood is prepared to continue down this path and unleash what I dub the “brorgy”.  A brorgy, by definition as an extension of the “bromance”, takes the principles of male bonding, yet makes it creepily funny while enlarging the cast to several dudes.  It’s sort of like sharing a bunk in summer camp, but the antics are funded by major studios, and four out of your six bunk mates have substance abuse problems.

What makes me think this?  Well, because this summer we have multiple movies with large casts of dudes blowing crap up.  I know this doesn’t seem to make any sense, but hear me out as properly define what exactly constitutes a “bromance”.  See, the modern “bromance” can be traced back to the buddy films, as I mentioned earlier.  However, I also contend that since a “bromance” more or less deconstructs the assumptions of manliness, they are specifically reactions to the old bad-ass buddy cop films: “48 Hours”, “Lethal Weapon”, “Bad Boys” et-friggin’-cetera.  While there were moments of bonding in those movies, it was always a byproduct of hard-as-nails lawmen dudes blowing up copious amounts of bad guy ass.

What did Riggs and Murtock love more than bustin' perps? Staring contests.

Take away the car chases, replace the damsel in distress’s drug baron pimp with a douchey med school boyfriend, and you have a film where Paul Rudd and Michael Cera share awkwardly long stares while playing Wii bowling and talking about how they’re afraid to approach Kristin Bell.

So, now that we’re on the same level, let me break down two highly-anticipated movies coming out this summer that will be ushering in Hollywood’s next cash cow.  These are the “brorgy” pre-cursors, and what they will result in.

Liam Neeson as Hannibal as George W. Bush

The A-Team

Synopsis:  Based on the popular 80’s television show by the same name, a crew of highly trained military men are framed for a military crime they didn’t commit.  They escape the uncompromising hand of military justice and flee underground, and as the A-Team, take on military missions that suit their own brand of justice… military style.

Potential Awesome Level: 7/10

A roided-out brawler, a rouge-ish man about town, and a possibly drug addled helicopter pilot are led by a cigar chomping war hero as they trod into gun fights that, if they’re anything like the ones in the T.V. show, can only be described as “bullet bukkakes”… what’s not to love?

Awesome Moment to Watch For:

Faceman (played by Bradley Cooper) embeds himself in a cadre of Thai pirates and plants an explosive device in the hull of their ship as they dock.  Once docked, he detonates the device which leaves a convenient van sized opening, allowing Hannibal to ram the team’s vehicle of choice snugly inside.  Once aboard, the van releases it’s deadly cargo known as B.A. Barakas (played by Quintin “Rampage” Jackson), who takes it upon himself to bring the eighteen-man crew to justice via vicious mohawked headbutts to the face.

Potential Dude Awkwardness: 5/10

Besides the fact that I just used a group sex term to describe their action sequences, these guys spend extended amount of time together alone in a van with tinted windows.

Awkward Dude Moment to Watch For:

After witnessing the frightening spectacle of righteous violence that the determined Barakas has unleashed upon the enemies of justice, the team has trouble diverting their eyes from the rage boner straining against the zipper of his cargo pants.

The Expendables

Synopsis: A team of former military-men-turned-mercenaries travel to South America in order to liberate a nation by confronting a ruthless and demented dictator… wait a minute this sounds like the A Team 2… but holy crap the cast is awesome!

Potential Awesome Level: 9/10

Seriously!  Look at this cast!  Sylvester Stallone!  Jason Statham!  Jet Li!  Randy Couture!  It’s like the casting director just went to a video store and made a list of the names that appear on every DVD cover that had a dude jump kicking a bad guy in a face in front of an exploding car!

Awesome Moment to Watch For:

I honestly think that every frame of this movie will just be shirtless dudes blowing crap up while shooting guns amidst a sea of smoldering carnage.

Mr. Lundgren's reaction to the news that the crew can't find a flesh toned body suit in "Humongous Swede" size.

Potential Dude Awkeardness: 9/10

Okay, the trailers for this movie are pretty much dripping in bad-assery.  Dripping.  The only thing, though, is that this film was written by Stallone… and the character he plays is a man

“trying to make up for a failure he committed long ago”.  Could this be him making up for a stinker in the past?  Is Sly developing a conscious about making movies that pretty much just have bad guys being perforated by burly heroes possessed with a black and white view of justice?  Dare he try to include complex and sentimental heroes!?!

Awkward Dude Moment to Watch For:

I honestly think that after the closing credits, there will be an “easter egg” clip of Sylvester Stallone and Dolph Lundgren in a sweaty, nude embrace amidst a sea smoldering carnage.

However, being a part of a clandestine organization isn’t all just fancy jewelry and laboriously avoiding inappropriate eye contact with your middle-aged, bearded, and loosely robed cohort, Keith, while smearing goat’s blood over your naked body in order to properly celebrate the Vernal Equinox.  No, it all starts with undergoing a rigorous initiation, centered on the learning of greatly important information.

Well, today, my friends, I invite you into my secret order: “The Clandestine Meal Munchers” a.k.a. “People Who Know Too Much About Fast Food”.  This revered order is a sect of individuals who are bound by a truth so bold and profound that abuse of said knowledge would tear a hole so large and ragged in the fabric of reality that it would make Cthulu himself loose all control over his big ol’ eldritch bowels.  I am, of course, talking about the knowledge of the Chipotle quesadilla.

That’s right, Chipotle offers a quesadilla.  You may now take a minute or two to wipe off the Mountain Dew from your computer monitors in order to explain to your significant others, parents, and/or pets why you excitedly screeched a vile obscenity.  All better?  Good.  Now where was I?

Ah, yes. When gazing upon that big burgundy-colored board you will see all manner of strange ethnic food options that the Aztecs never wished for pithy commoners to eat.  You will also notice, though, a complete absence of quesadillas as such an option.  For most, that would be enough of a signal to abandon all hope for a highly anticipated orgy of cheese and meat in their mouths.  Fret not though my friends, for below I will divulge the secrets of how to induce said orgy in your mouth.

They key to obtaining the perfect Chipotle quesadilla is preparedness.  You must know that this process is extremely simple and requires but two words from your quivering, cheese deprived lips.  You see, the quesadilla in question is available in a myriad of flavors spanning the Chipotle rainbow: steak, chicken, barbacoa, and carnitas (which is Spanish for AWESOME).

Now, before you actually go up to that counter and order your own chiquito slice of Mexican heaven, you must make sure there aren’t too many people on line… either before or after you.  You see, while the quesadilla is not a complex creation, it does require a lot of time to cook.  What they will do is tenderly procure a tortilla and delicately warm it up for just a second or two in the hot presser.  Then, they’ll lovingly sprinkle shredded cheese upon its interior and follow up by administering a healthy dose of your choice of meat (if any).  Next, they will take special care to fold the quesadilla, taking the greatest of pains not to let its contents spill out.  Finally, they will then press the quesadilla, thereby cooking it to a light golden brown complexion.

Now, if you’ve ever been to the house that Chipotle built, you’ll notice that my description goes against the standard protocol that the employees must adhere to.  The cheese comes first, and then the meat.  What?  That’s crazy talk!  It is… if you ask for a quesadilla during a lunch or dinner time rush.  Your order will sew chaos as your black apron’ed server has to rush his sorry, over worked self around the barrage of burrito bowls being systematically crafted.  Way to go, jerk.

Instead, for optimal Chiptole quesadilla enjoyment, the quesadilla should be ordered when there are few on line (especially in front of you) as to ensure that you don’t totally ruin the workers at the Chipotle’s day.  Also, this is in your best interest because it is pretty easy to forget about a cooking quesadilla.  If it’s cooked too long you’ll receive a piece of fast food road kill wrapped in a tin foil body bag.  It’ll bleed hot cheese onto your hands, the tortilla will crackle in your mouth like brown glass, and you know what?  You’ll deserve it.  I hope you choke.

And on that note, my newly inducted brother or sister, I conclude this induction into the hallowed halls of our Fraternity.  Until next time, that is, when I will divulge another secret menu item!