Already, The Woman in Black, Radcliffe’s brand new “Hey Look! It’s Totally Not Harry Potter!!” project, has scored some points with me, and that’s before I’ve even set foot inside an auditorium. Then again, the same could have been said of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and that ended up being my least favorite entry in the Potter film franchise.

Oh yes, I'd love to see this for his (ahem) acting. Yes.

So I wondered as I sat down with my popcorn and Smarties and settled in for the show: could the Radcliffe Suit Factor (trademark pending) hold The Woman in Black afloat?

The short answer is: no.

The slightly longer answer: kind of.

The TL;DR answer:

The Woman in Black is a very good looking movie if nothing else. We already touched on costuming, obviously, but the period dress is not the only thing to admire here. The movie sets out to be a ghost story where the scares come more from atmosphere than from gore, and everything about the look of the movie does contribute to that. The cinematography is beautifully crisp and muted, giving the whole film the air of a chilled day in January. A lot of love has been paid to the settings and props too, particularly those of the house we spend much of the film in.

A haunted house movie can live or die (so to speak) on the strength of its house, and The Woman in Black has that nailed. Every cobweb is where it should be; every shadow is thrown just so; every creepy Victorian doll has the requisite amount of creepiness. Someone spent a lot of time and effort making this movie look and feel right, and it does pay off. You never feel put off just looking at it.

Unfortunately, we do have to do more than just look at a movie like this. If it were otherwise, it would be a music video or an art film, and even then, it would probably still lack something — and that something I feel is a point. What is the point of this movie? That seems like an easy question to tackle: the point of a movie like this is to tell a ghost story that will make its audience have fun being scared. Question answered, right? Not so fast.

The problem here is that the movie seems to want to do more than that. The way it plays its lead character and structures its plot, it’s clear that it wants to have themes! And motifs! And develop its protagonist’s psyche in meaningful ways! And have a deeper, more well-told story like the big boys on the studio lot! This may be in part due to the movie’s source material (a 1983 novel by Susan Hill, later a stage play by Stephen Mallatratt), which may well have had more going on in terms of characters and story. Not being familiar with the source material, though, I am forced to evaluated the movie purely on its own terms, and on that level, it falls short of the mark for me.

Kids without eyes! That's creepy, right?

Let me back up for a moment. The movie begins with three girls playing in an attic with creepy porcelain dolls. Faint, creepy music plays in the background, the little girls play in a creepily slow way, and the whole thing just screams “CREEPY CREEPY ISN’T THIS CREEPY?”. Then (spoilers) something overtakes the three of them and causes them to stand up, walk across the room in unison, and step out the window to their deaths. Cut back to the wide-eyed face of one of the dolls left in the room. A woman off-screen lets out a scream: “Oh God! My baaaabiiiiiiiies!”

And then the audience in the theatre laughs.

Not even two minutes in to the movie, and the audience is laughing. For a campy Hammer horror flick, this would not be a problem. It is slightly more of a problem when it’s happening in your ostensibly serious business serious seriouspants movie (ironically also a Hammer production).

You could argue that this movie does go for camp at times. There is a wonderful bit performance later in the film from Janet McTeer, in which she plays a woman who mothers twin chihuahuas as though they were her own children (little sailor suits and everything). The key phrase here, though, is “at times”. The campier moments of the film are too few and far between to make a strong argument for The Woman in Black being primarily a camp horror.

Besides, I know what the true category for this movie is, and it is neither camp horror nor serious horror. It is jump scare horror. For all its atmosphere and admittedly decent acting (Daniel Radcliffe does sell those terrified looks most of the time), the filmmakers apparently did not trust any of that to actually chill or scare their audience. Instead, they went for the cheap way to guarantee audience tension, and that was to continually build up quiet moments only to make something move suddenly at the same time that a loud, sharp noise goes off. This is the most basic way to “scare” a viewer, and I would argue it’s not even scaring them — it’s startling them. Not the same thing.

What jump scares amount to

I started to do some counting after the first couple of instances of this. My final total was about ten or eleven full-on jump scares, and yet more pseudo jump scares that still had a loud, startling noise but didn’t have a full jump scare setup. For a movie that’s only an hour-and-a-half long, that averages out to about one jump scare every nine minutes, and considering the first scare isn’t until about twenty minutes in, that ratio gets even worse. I had my fingers over my ears for what felt like half the movie, but not due to any genuine dread about the events or atmosphere of the film, but just for sheer practicality reasons (sudden loud noises are unpleasant, damn it).

There was only one scary scene that did not rely heavily on the use of jump scares, and that was the lead-up to a bit with a rocking chair, which had some well-executed pacing and sound design going on. In all other scenes, the jump scares are literally the only thing that makes the scenes tense. To be fair, I give director James Watkins credit for attempting to play out the main horror scenes mostly without dialogue and without relying too heavily on the kind of action and shock scenes that modern horror audiences might expect. To stay fair, though, I can’t give him more credit than he deserves, and I have to say his attempts just did not work for me.

The pacing slowed almost unforgivably at times in the house scenes, even considering the intended effect of those scenes. Also, while there were occasionally some dutch angles and ghost POV shots thrown in to liven things up, the angles chosen to shoot poor scared Radcliffe seemed mostly uninteresting — usually from the front or from the side, usually flat, and usually the same monotonously creeping camera movement. I would accept the slow pace of those scenes if the framings were at least interesting. As it stands now, my alternate title for the film would probably be Daniel Radcliffe Investigates Strange Noises. And Wears A Suit. The Movie.

This is literally what most of the movie looks like.

One of the other major problems I had with the film was the script. The dialogue was the epitome of hokey, and it was a wonder that all the principle actors carried their parts as well as they did. Radcliffe’s boss gives exposition of the worst kind (“Well as you already know, [insert character name here], this is the situation”), things that could have been communicated through visual cues and actions by the actors are hammered home through dialogue, things that are communicated visually are often done so in overly obvious ways, and reactions rarely match what you would expect from characters considering what’s going on (there’s an especially egregious non-reaction from Radcliffe to Ciáran Hinds after an intense scene in the house).

Worst of all, the climax and ending both feel rushed and abrupt. When we reached the point in the movie where the characters think of a plot-solving solution and then go out to execute that solution, I caught myself thinking, “Oh. I guess this is the climax now?” And then later, near the very end, I thought again: “Oh. I guess this is the supposedly shocking twist ending that isn’t really a twist now?”

No wait, I take back that “worst of all”. Worst of all is, like I said before, the pointlessness. I just feel like turning to the movie and asking it what people should take away from having seen it. You startled me with a bunch of jump scares. Okay, thanks? You showed me Daniel Radcliffe in a suit wandering around a well-designed creepy house and staring at things with those nice eyes of his. Good on you, but I didn’t need to sit here for ninety minutes just for that. You tried to develop an engaging story about a single father doing his best for his son and representing his failure to do so in his inability to save other children from dying. Way to try, but your efforts seemed really forced. You had a total of seven child deaths. Oh good for you, you’re shocking (roll my eyes). And you had those chihuahuas. What was up with those chihuahuas, movie? Seriously.

Seriously. Why would you even.

That all said, if you don’t care how the tension in a horror movie develops just so long as you get it? You might still like The Woman in Black. There were plenty of people who walked out of that auditorium with me saying that they liked it and were scared. One said it was “the scariest effing thing [they had] ever seen.” Another said that she had been hiding behind her bag for most of the movie. If you’re just looking to have a fun time being scared and you don’t feel cheapened by jump scares, then heck, the movie might even be really effective. Combined with the stellar look of the film and the decent performances, you could get a pretty decent package overall, story issues aside.

So I guess the bottom line is this: if you want to like The Woman in Black, you will probably find something to like about it, even if it’s just Daniel Radcliffe’s coattails. Otherwise, your mileage may vary. And either way? Keep those earplugs handy.

Rating: ★★★☆☆ 

The first warning is that this is an anime that HEAVILY uses Japanese humor to as it’s storytelling mechanism. As a result, If any of you are unfamiliar with the unique style of humor that the Japanese are famous for using, then you’ll feel like a fish out of water and completely lost. To remedy that, go watch some Takeshi’s Castle or Morning Musume as a solution. Another thing you should consider is that if you are expecting this to be a serious business Mario movie that will be all epic and/or have a serious tone, divorce those expectations from your mind right now. While the movie is incredibly faithful in terms of having things that Mario fans will know and recognize, the tone of the movie makes it quite obvious that this movie was clearly aimed at children or a younger audience. Not only that, but there are many things in the story that make it kind of confusing in the beginning, but I assure you it picks up a few minutes after the opening, so just suspend all disbelief and just roll with it. That being said, it actually does have a couple of layers that an adult or a teenager can recognize and respect. Then again it must be said that Japanese children are fundamentally different from American children as everything isn’t as dumbed down as is America’s moronic policy regarding entertainment aimed at children. One last thing to consider is that the Mario series didn’t have the straight and narrow canon it relies on nowadays as Mario was a relatively new series when this was made, so I feel that the “deviations” it has in it are forgivable (except for one specific part which you’ll know when you see it and will be up to you to decide). Oh and if you people want to actually see this movie for yourselves, I’ll be posting a link at the end of the article which will lead to Part I of it on YouTube, the only possible way to see it.

Title Card of Movie

I. General Plot

There are so many levels and so many things to say about this one shot, I'll let you make your own judgments...

The way this movie starts off is both very strange and very funny. We begin the anime by watching Mario playing a Famicom game…yes a Famicom game. The game consists of a  character that looks very similar to Ness (Earthbound or the Mother series did not exist during that time) running and hitting things with a baseball bat or something weird like that. He is up late at night and Luigi comes over to offer him some coffee. No answer. He then goes back to bed when he realizes that nothing can get through to an engaged gamer (as is customary in portrayals of gamers) . Suddenly, Mario’s game has what appears to be a power surge and something very different appears on-screen. He sees what appears to be princess in a pink dress running away from a variety of Mario enemies. Mario is only watching this in confusion until suddenly the girl bursts straight out of the television right onto Mario along with all the enemies that are chasing her.. Don’t ask me how or why this is happening, that’s just what happens. Meanwhile, the enemies start flying around making a variety of smoke clouds and such. After all of that clears up and Mario regains his energy, he gets his first good look at the girl who is lying on the ground and tries to see if she is all right.

One of the very first close looks we get of Peach-hime

Although she is scared at first as she wakes, the girl realizes that Mario protected her and thanks him, which Mario modestly reacts to. She introduces herself as Princess Peach (Peach-hime) of the far-off Mushroom Kingdom. In the middle of their short conversation, Peach gets scared when she sees a gigantic spiked turtle on the TV screen who Peach identifies as Bowser (to the uninitiated he is an evil Koopa dictator who threatens the very safety of  her home).

Bowser's first appearance in the movie

He too comes out of the TV with the intention of kidnapping Peach. After much coaxing, Peach helps Mario find the strength to try to fight him, but the very humorous fight lasts about 6 seconds, the end result being Peach kidnapped by Bowser back into the TV.

Bowser vs. Mario...the shortest fight in anime history. That says a lot in a world where there are entire shows are centered on fighting

Mario desperately tries shaking his TV to try to find the Princess. Luigi, being disturbed by the racket, comes out and asks what the problem is. Mario tries telling Luigi as best he can about the problem, but only leaves Luigi in a fit of laughter in which he tells Mario it was just a dream. Just as Luigi leaves, Mario notices something on the ground. It is none other than the necklace Peach was wearing.

The Jewel worn around Peach’s neck and a major plot device (interestingly enough, it does provide an explanation for the necklace that Peach wears all the time).

He then realizes that the girl he just saw was more than just a dream, she was in fact real and has fallen head over heels in love with her.

After an incredibly catchy title sequence, the movie shifts to the Mario Bros’ store (they ain’t plumbers in this one kids). Mario learns from Luigi, that the necklace is worth quite a lot of money. After this exchange, a small blue dog named Kibidango (the meaning of which refers to some sort of millet dumpling, a Japanese joke if you will) comes in and eyes Peach’s necklace. He jumps on Mario and steals it. Mario gives chase and Luigi follows. Kibidango jumps down a warp pipe, which Mario and Luigi do as well, and from there on their journey begins.

I could go on and on, but I just wanted to give you an idea on how this all begins. It is very strange I will admit, but to give it the benefit of the doubt, even if it doesn’t make much sense; it doesn’t really matter because it’s very entertaining and only serves as a setup for the rest of the plot. The movie does make more sense as time goes on and isn’t as convoluted as the beginning is.

II. Character Bios and Critiques

These are just some short character bios for the characters of the movie.

Mario: Like many Nintendo protagonists, Mario is usually shown as the silent protagonist who only says a couple of phrases every now and then. In this movie, Mario is not only given a voice, but also an established character archetype as well. So you won’t be hearing none of the typical “Eetsa mee! MARIO!!!!” crap. From the beginning, Mario is shown to have deeply fallen in love with Peach-hime, and you can really see throughout the movie that Mario has a burning passion and love for Peach, it’s actually quite sweet and isn’t as schmaltzy as you’d expect. Come to think of it, he actually feels more like a reluctant hero who cares little for the Mushroom Kingdom itself, and more about rescuing Princess Peach. Mario is voiced by legendary seiyu Toru Furuya (better known to otaku as the voice of Yamcha in the Dragon Ball series and Mamoru Chiba/Tuxedo Kamen in the Sailor Moon Series) and he does a fairly good job at giving the plumber a believable performance. I wouldn’t call it a highlight of his career however.

Luigi is indeed wearing blue and yellow in this movie...don't ask me 'cos I don't know why...

Luigi: Okay, I know that by the picture you’re probably saying “What the hell”. Like I said before, the canon in Mario was not firmly implanted by this time, so many liberties were taken with the movie. There is a noticeable and significant aspect of Luigi’s personality that is completely absent from any game in the series. He is quite possibly the greediest man in this entire movie. I’m not kidding, he is so greedy that every time the Bros. stop somewhere, you can usually find him with a pickax trying to find riches of any kind in a very humorous fashion. I guess it is a step-up from how much of weakling and how little respect he is given in a Mario game…if you think greed makes you a better person. It seems to me that, unlike Mario, he could really care less about Princess Peach and seems to be a tag-along whose only incentive of going is the possibility of finding gold or other items that might have monetary value. Nevertheless, he supports his brother and tries to keeps him company to the very end, even if he either cannot see or disagrees with Mario’s goal. Despite all of that, he never pulls his own weight on the journey; the result of which has Kibidango cleaning up after him frequently. Luigi was voiced by seasoned seiyu Yuu Mizushima, and he has quite a few credits to his name such as Guyver from Guyver: Out of Control and Orion Jaga from Saint Seiya Gekijoban. He gave Luigi the greedy edge in this movie that I’ll let you decide on whether it’s good or not.

Princess Peach: She is both the goal of Mario’s quest and the object of his desire. Unlike the Peach shown today as a somewhat worthless and weak character, on some occasions she has shown that she can fight Bowser off by means of outsmarting him. It isn’t stated outright whether she shares the same feelings Mario has for her, but one can assume that she does. Someone very dear to her has been captured in someway by Bowser, and she means to find him. Other than those observations, there is not much more I can say about her. Princess Peach was voiced by someone who was an extremely popular J-Pop star/TV Personality back in the mid-’80s to early ’90s named Mami Yamase. Casting J-Pop stars in anime and movies when they haven’t had prior acting experience was very common in the ’80s and is not so much a fad today as it was then. Her naturally baby sounding voice gives Peach a very innocent, beautiful, and sharp personality that just somehow works.

Bowser: There is honestly not as much to say about Bowser as other characters because he is the Bowser we all know in only a few aspects, only he isn’t completely incompetent. A few differences are that he can shape-shift into a few things and seems much more clever than the current Bowser and works vigorously and very hard to kill Mario. Bowser was voice by female soul singer Akiko Wada, which is really quite strange when you consider all the roaring and fire-breathing that Bowser is more well-known for today. Oh well, stranger people have been chosen to voice characters in anime before (I’m specifically thinking of how the Dad in My Neighbor Totoro was voiced by the creator of Earthbound and the Mother series)…

The mysterious dog-character known as Kibidongo and the primary catalyst in the story

Kibidango: For unknown reasons, this blue, dog-like creature is the catalyst behind Mario’s adventure, and is concerned enough about Peach’s well-being that he will accompany Mario Bros. on their quest. Unlike Luigi, he actually pulls his own weight on the journey, ranging from guiding the Mario Bros. to Bowser’s Castle to helping Mario get out of the many jams he gets himself into (such as helping Mario escape from a mountain prison guarded by a Hammer Brother to helping Mario clear a path in some tunnels underneath Bowser’s castle by opening an underground reservoir). There is more to this creature than meets the eye, but that isn’t revealed until the end.

The next character is super spoilerific. Even though the Statute of Limitations is clearly up for this movie, I’m going to hide all the text for this character so you can look at it at your own discretion.

Prince Haru: Prince Haru is a character who is not mentioned until the last act of the movie, and not actually seen until the last few minutes of the movie. He is in fact the human form of Kibidango. Kibidango only existed because Bowser transformed Haru into a dog to get him out of the way. The Prince himself looks really foofy and almost like a clown since he wears standard, cliche  Princy-attire plus hair that is a lighter version of the fur Kibidango has. He hails from a place known as The Flower Kingdom (how original) and is…Princess Peach’s fiancee. Yeah…you read that right…Peach is betrothed to marry a prince at the end and Mario DOESN’T GET THE GIRL!! While it is a big letdown that Mario does not get  to be with Peach in the end, I’m surprisingly willing to forgive it for a few reasons. First off, I get the impression that the ending itself is very Japanese, which is why I mentioned that the style of storytelling in the movie is not something that is either translatable (in terms of culture) or exportable to America. Matter of a fact, I’m sure this and the totally Japanese style of humor is the primary reason that this movie never made it to our shores. Secondly, is that throughout the movie, Mario is shown to be deeply in love with Peach and while Peach isn’t as deeply in love, there is a faint hint of her being slightly attracted to him (that and he is her ticket to getting out of Bowser’s clutches ). Mario is heartbroken at this shocking revelation and keels over. Peach tells her that she does love him, but there is nothing she can do about this since you can’t fight royalty (unless you’re willing to go the way of The Iliad on her). Mario humbly tells her to have a good wedding with both a small smile on his face and a small chuckle. Peach tearfully thanks him and sends him off with an even moreso tearful goodbye. As sappy as that is, I think it says something about a person if they can let go of somebody they love for the sake of happiness.

III: General Observations

Although I had a lot to say about this movie through its patchy history, my heavy critiques on the characters, and my explanations of many aspects of the movie, there is really not much else I can say about it. One very important and notable thing about this movie is the soundtrack it has. This movie has a lot of catchy j-rock and j-poppy sounding music. There is one track in particular that is recycled many times throughout the film usually as the “We’re traveling and nothing can stop us” fanfare called “Doki Doki Do It”. It sounds really good in the title sequence, but as it gets played over and over again throughout the film, you either get sick of it or just get bored by its staleness (possibly at the same time). However the track that really does it for me (I’m sort of a sucker for these kinda things so take what I say about this one with a grain of salt) but the credits music is a typical J-Poppy ending that was done a lot in the mid-80s. It’s called “ADYU Love You” which was sung by Mami Yamase (also Peach’s seiyu) which was obviously a tie-in for her career, how much impact it had on it; I really can’t say due to lack of information. I personally find it very pretty and heartfelt and I sometimes listen to it unironically. Another notable thing is how many of the sound effects commonly heard in Super Mario Bros. is used in the film in the appropriate places. I thought it was a nice touch to the film itself and helped it out a little.

One thing that also stuck out to me is what happens during the final battle between Mario and Bowser. It’s a not a totally action packed or bloody fight, it’s a relatively short and compressed fight that I thought was very entertaining. At one point, Mario does something that kind of surprised me because I had seen it in a Mario game that would not be released until 15+ years later. Mario grabs Bowser’s tail and is able to lift him off the ground and spin him around and around until he sends him off into the sky like how Team Rocket blasts off in the Pokemon anime. Sound familiar? Yeah, I’m pretty sure Nintendo must have lifted that from the movie and put it into Super Mario 64, which strikes me as odd because I said Nintendo does not acknowledge the existence of the movie. Either this is a huge coincidence or they must have taken inspiration from that movie. Whatever the truth is, I don’t really care too much as it is such small and quick moment and it was just something that stood out to me.

IV: Closing Opinions and Statements

Believe it or not this film has quite a bit of life to it on the internet (which is exclusively how it is known in the States) and there is a moderately large cult following for the movie. The only way you’ll really see this movie is through a fan-subbed version on YouTube (the link to which I’ll post at the end of the article) Like most anime out there, there have been a few attempts to make fandubs to try to make it much more accessible to those who don’t want to watch a subbed version. There are two in particular that are worth mentioning. From what I understand, DiveOffARoofINC was the first such attempt to try and actually make a fandub of the entire movie, which he succeeded in doing. Should he find this article by some miracle, but I’m sorry guy; you did not do a good job with that. While I commend you for attempting to make a fandub of this somewhat underrated and obscure film, I think you had the wrong idea when doing it. You seemed to focus too much on the character aspects that we all know today by giving Mario and Luigi intentional fake Italian accents and didn’t really capture the spirit or comedic timing that the original seiyus gave. Quite frankly though, I’m not gonna lie, but some of the voice-actors really should not be put in front of a microphone.

The fandub attempt that impressed me greatly however was one done by a guy called mefredbobproductions. Even though, as of this moment, there is only one part available of this fandub, he did an amazing job on this. The voice actors are as good as people who aren’t professional voice actors can be, totally have a great understanding of the original performances and make the characters their own while still paying tribute to the original performers, and really gives the characters believable voices that you can accept as the best that fans can do with Mario. But that’s not all, this guy went into the video itself, painstakingly cleaned up all the blurriness and video hiccups/glitches and made it look exceptionally good when compared to a good majority of the twenty other uploads of this. This was a labor of love that I’ve only seen matched in either the Animal Crossing anime fandub (as a side-note, I’m toying with the idea of writing an article about that at some point) or the Odin: Photon Space Sailer Starlight parody dub (as a side-note, don’t ever watch  Odin if you truly value your sanity). I have to give you props on the very well-done job you did with that, and I hope you complete it. Unfortunately, as much as I would like to see the finished product, it unfortunately might not happen. The reason being is that when I originally wrote this article for my long-gone blog a couple of years ago, I got into contact with the guy a couple of months ago, and we talked about this movie for a very brief period of time. He still does want to see his project to completion, but there were problems regarding the voice actors. Supposedly, the guy who played Luigi has somehow disappeared and all attempts to contact him have been futile as he has not been answering…which is unfortunate. Such is the way of the internet though…

In closing…I think you are all wondering as to why I like this movie enough to an extensive, in-depth, review and analysis  on it. A fair question indeed…I guess I like it so much because more often than not, I gravitate towards anime that are completely unknown or mostly forgotten by many modern anime fans such as Sea Prince and the Fire Child or any of the World Masterpiece Theater series. They often are very well-made for their time and I wish I had a platform to get the word out about these cool things more often…and I think this blog with its awesome community of geeky writers and people who take a genuine interest in a variety of subjects is a good place to do just that. I watched this right around when I first started really getting into anime about 4 years ago and I guess I’ve got an attachment to it, even though I recognize it isn’t the best thing ever. If anything, you should watch this just for the novelty as it’s the only feature-length animated Mario movie ever and it more than makes up for the piece-of-shit live-action movie and the even worse cartoon series. Let’s not do the Mario.

If you enjoyed this article or have feedback on what things you like or dislike about it, leave some comments in the comments section or send me an e-mail at geoffino04@gmail.com; I’m all ears. Also don’t forget to check out all the other well-written and awesome articles by the writers on this site; you’re guranteed to find an article that interests you.

Thanks for reading and take care.

Part I of Mario Anime with English Subtitles

Marquee Poster for Super Mario Bros anime movie

Before you read this article, I feel like I should confess something. This article was something I wrote about 3 years ago for a blog that is now long gone. More specifically, it was an article I still hold some pride and attachment to because of how hard it was to write about a movie that literally had no commentary or information on. Most of the words in this article is mostly the same as what appeared in that old blog, but I’ve since restructured and cleaned up the wording since I’m a much better blogger than what I was 3 years ago. Enjoy the article.

What can be said about Mario that hasn’t been said before? He is one of the most famous corporate mascots in history, he is unarguably the most well-known and recognized video game character in general (both by gamers and non-gamers alike), and he has been in too many video games to even count. Over the years, Mario has been involved in many different kinds of media and merchandise over the years; from toys, clothing, even cereal products. The most well-known media adaptations of Mario (other than video games) is the Saturday morning cartoon from the early ’90s dubbed “The Super Mario Bros. Super Show” and the horribly painful and shitty live-action Super Mario Bros. movie starring Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo (you read that right).  If any of you get curious and decide to search and watch this stuff…don’t, unless you are either a media masochist of some kind or genuinely enjoy bad movies.

However, the sands of time often hide many treasures just waiting to be unearthed and revealed to the world. Although many things about Mario are very well-known, there is one piece of media, the existence of which is something that very few gamers or average people are even aware of.

The aforementioned “media” is a full-feature length anime movie released in Japan only, and in theaters. It is called Super Mario Bros.: The Great Mission to Rescue Princess Peach! From what I understand, this movie is so obscure that the only people who are aware of it are either people who surf the internet a lot or anime fans on the level of either Anime World Order (a podcast you should all check out) or Mike Toole (a columnist on Anime News Network whose work you readers should read all of). It’s a shame not many people know of this, as it’s an okay movie and interesting piece forgotten of history. Normally, the way I would review a movie is by delving into the movie itself and giving my two-sense about it, but this movie is a special case so I’m gonna split it into two parts. Part one being about what little of the production and distribution histories that I can find about this movie, and part two being about the content of the movie itself.

As I stated above, there is very little is known about the production or the business aspects of how it was made. However after a lot of deep digging on the internet, I constructed together how I think everything went regarding the creation of this movie. Do not take this as fact, because we don’t really know the facts other than the names of the people involved and the studio’s involvement with the picture.

Lets go back to September of 1985, the Famicom (Japanese version of the original Nintendo) is already out and has just produced its first huge hit, Super Mario Bros; the latter of which was released on September 13, 1985. The game proved to be so popular, that a one-shot joint company known as Holly Planning Production/Grouper Production (I’ll refer to them as Grouper from now on) apparently contacted Nintendo. They asked them if they could make a Mario anime movie for the summer of 1986, which Nintendo agreed to do. After they got the green-light, Grouper got the animation department of Japanese entertainment mogul Toei to actually make it. This cannot be considered a tie-in-film because it was set for release in June of 1986, roughly a half-year after the release of the original Super Mario Bros. game. The director of this film is Masami Hata, an anime director and artist primarily for Sanrio (the company best known for Hello Kitty). I assume he was hired through Toei to direct this movie. To those of you who don’t know, Hata is known amongst hardcore anime fans as the man who directed fantastic anime productions such as Legend of Sirius (known as Sea Prince and the Fire Child in the USA), Princess Knight, and the nightmare fuel filled short (seriously) film known as Chirin no Suzu (known as Ringing Bell in America). As good as most of these productions are, they are relatively unknown amongst most modern anime fans, which is a crying shame as they are wonderful, and Hata is one of the grandmasters of anime since the beginning…but I digress.

A promotional cel of Mario and Peach holding...phone cards...? WhatisthisIdonteven

With about the normal amount of time an anime takes to make back in those days (roughly 7-8 months), they released the movie on June 20, 1986. Nothing is known about how well the film did, so I can’t say how popular it was in theaters. One of the more interesting things about this movie is that they released this on VHS in rental stores only, through a video rental service known as VAP Video. You gotta understand that rental movies were a big market back then, but some rental stores thought of a rather dumb idea (both financially and in terms of popularity) to sell movies only in rental stores and not in the regular home market, and this movie was one of the casualties of this dumb business decision. Because of this, this movie got the obscure reputation that it now possesses, plus it being distributed in extremely small quantities really hurt it’s reputation. These tapes can run up to $200 on auction sites because of how rare this movie and this tape really is. Sadly though, it doesn’t have any DVD release. The strangest aspect about this film in my estimation is that Nintendo either knowingly or unintentionally refuses to acknowledge this movie’s existence.

Front side of the Mario Anime Tape Cover

The actual tape itself (not mine since I don't legitimately own it).

Well this is the end of Part I where I review the actual movie. Stay tuned for Part II which should be up relatively quickly.

Win Win Official Movie Poster (2011)

Win Win

Directed by Tom McCarthy

Starring Paul Giamatti, Alex Shaffer, Burt Young, Amy Ryan, Jeffrey Tambor, and Bobby Cannavale

Release Date: March 18, 2011

For me personally, comedy movies are a slippery slope and I usually end up either not seeing them or not really enjoying them that much. I think this is probably attributable to the fact that the majority of them seem to either be the same Judd Apatow movie (even though I like a lot of his movies) shoveled out every year or a stupid studio comedy that is extremely forgettable and is not subject to repeat viewings. One thing I’ve noticed in the last 3 or 4 years, is that there seems to be a trend of comedies that are more daring than the kinds I mentioned above. Some common themes that these movies seem to share is the use of dark humor, shying away from gross-out humor, and more of an emphasis on satire, sharp dialogue, and performances that aren’t forced.

I personally started noticing this when Little Miss Sunshine came out in 2005. Before that time in the early 00s, independent comedies like that would perform well, but well-enough to recoup it’s budget; the mass audience wasn’t clamoring for them. The massive success of Little Miss Sunshine was both unprecedented and a welcome surprise to the genre, whereas in the early 00s, movies like American Pie or any movie ever made by Jason Friedman and Aaron Seltzer (Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc) dominated box-office sales. The success was magnified  tenfold when it was nominated for four Academy Awards (winning two for Best Original Screenplay and Best Supporting Actor in the case of Alan Arkin). It’s my opinion that this success allowed Hollywood to be more receptive to indie comedies than before and advertise them more heavily in hopes of emulating the success that Little Miss Sunshine had. Since then we’ve had outstanding comedies  like Juno, Superbad, Up in the Air, Cedar Rapids, and more. My point is, is that Win Win is another one of those movies and a fantastic one at that.

Mike Flaherty (Giamatti) giving Kyle (Alex Shaffer) pep talk before a match

Win Win is a story that revolves around Mike Flaherty (Paul Giamatti) who is both an attorney-at-law and, along with his friends Stephen Vigman (Jeffrey Tambor) and Terry Delfino (Bobby Cannavale), one of three coaches for the wrestling team for New Providence High School in New Jersey. Luckily he lives with his supportive wife (Amy Ryan), and two daughters. He deals with much stress in his life due to the natural stress of his job, the fact that his wrestling team is one of the worst in the state, and the fact that his practice may go under if his financial problems don’t get fixed. One day, he is in court representing Leo Poplar (Burt Young), a very wealthy elderly man who is entering the first stage of dementia. Unfortunately, the State of New Jersey finds him unable to care for himself and they are unable to find his only surviving relative to take care of him, his estranged daughter Cindy Timmons (Melanie Lynskey).

Mike comes upon a perfect legal loophole and offers to become the man’s guardian which results in him getting $1500 a month, but he puts Poplar  in assisted living in order to not have to deal with him. Things become much more complicated when Poplar’s previously unknown 17-year old grandson, Kyle Timmons, shows up on his doorstep hoping that he can live with him. As the story goes, his mother (Cindy Timmons) is a drug addict who is currently in rehab, and in an effort to both escape his mother (whom he despises) and find some other place to live; he runs away. Feeling bad for the boy, Mike lets Kyle stay with him until he can sort everything out. Flaherty eventually discovers that Kyle was a wrestling champ for his high school team and his skills turn the team’s reputation around and turn them into winners. Everything is all fine and great, until Kyle’s mom shows up out of nowhere (seemingly released from rehab) and is flat broke. Her very presence could possibly jeopardize everything that Mike has going for him…

Although the story itself may sound very extensive and a little complicated, the way that this movie handles the multiple narratives is practically seamless and very impressive. The following consists of my pros and cons for the entire movie. As I stated before, the plot itself is well-crafted, fluidly consistent, tough (by tough I mean it doesn’t resort to maudlin or sappiness), and very thoughtful both in structure and in execution based on Tom McCarthy’s excellent directorial skills. Another thing I greatly admire about the picture is how it doesn’t assume that its audience isn’t stupid and doesn’t have to recap or pull any cheap tricks to keep the audience focused on the film. Instead it favors sharp dialogue which allows the humor to naturally blossom around the plot, instead of the plot being written in such a way to where it is a slave to the comedy.

The Cast of Win Win - From Left to Right: Paul Giamatti, director Tom McCarthy, Clare Foley, Alex Shaffer, Amy Ryan, and Bobby Cannavale

Probably the highlight of the film is the cast and performances which are equally both outstanding in their own ways. Paul Giamatti is one of my favorite actors (in my top 10 easily) and he doesn’t disappoint as he electrifies the screen with his very presence all the way through in a sharp movie like this. Movies like this one and Sideways  fit his acting style and temperament very well when he vies for a comedic role. Burt Young still proves that he still has his acting chops; his main claim to fame being Paulie in the Rocky series (the last time being Rocky Balboa) and he is hilarious all the way through. One thing about his performance that particularly struck me is how he takes his role as a man with dementia seriously and isn’t playing it like he is a shoo-in or half-assing it to get a paycheck. If Malcolm McDowell were in this role, that might have been the situation. Much to my surprise after I got out of the theater, I learned that this was Alex Shaffer’s first ever performance in anything (no movies, no TV, not even any commercials) and I must say he did a great job portraying the troubled role of Kyle Timmons with a spot of credibility and authenticity; I hope to see him in more things as he has a natural talent he can polish if he keeps at it. Melanie Lynskey surprised me in that she played a very good heavy who is just as fallible for her actions as Mike is, but is only trying to do what she thinks is right for her and her son (much to the chagrin of everyone else). I’m used to her being more of a protagonist (as opposed to being a protagonist) having watched Two and a Half Men (before Charlie Sheen became the mayor of Crackity Crack Town) and Up in the Air. She does very well in these indie comedies and I hope she continues onward as she has got a good thing going in that regard.

Even though 85% of this movie is great, there are some flaws and they need to be addressed. One thing that very quickly got on my nerves was Bobby Cannavale’s character of Terry Delfino. He seems to be out of place with the movie as it is essentially like randomly throwing a goofy Seth Rogen-esque character into the mix of an otherwise great dark comedy. I understand that he fulfills the role of comedic relief, but Jeffrey Tambor’s character does that just fine and the contrast between the two was very distracting and I found it to be grating. There quite a bit of pop-culture references that threaten to date the movie (e.g. Wii Golf and Star Wars: The Forced Unleashed) and that is a pet peeve of mine as I want most movies to be accessible by audiences X years from now. I’m very unsure about this next criticism, but I felt like the editing was very clunky and haphazard, but I’m not sure if that lies on the quality of the print that was shown or if the editing is just like that? Regardless, I found it to be very jarring and I think they could have easily fixed that considering how fluid and well-paced the story is. Something that took me by surprise is how quickly the movie ended, I’m not going to allude as to what happened or spoil anything but I thought a little more time could have been padded in to fix a few things. The ending itself however is great and very different from standard fare, which is the way I like it when watching films. But these are all just tiny little flaws in the beautiful suit of armor that is this movie and they are not distracting to the point of detracting from the experience.

Win Win is one of those comedic gems that comes around every once in a while that is both enjoyable and intelligently written with character and story in mind, instead of resorting to every old trick in the book to force the audience to laugh, which I personally am getting more and more sick of as time goes on. Overall I give Win Win 3.5 stars out of 4. Everyone will find something in this movie to enjoy and if you want to see a different kind of comedy than the standard fare we get every 2-3 months, I cannot recommend it enough. Win Win is aptly named because you get something good out of it, no matter who goes to see it.

A few weeks ago I was lucky enough to get my hands on a screener of a new anime. It’s a show that features a variety of characters living in a section of Tokyo and how their lives intersect and connect through the various events of the show. Once I read about it I’ll admit I was interested and another thing that really drove my interest in this show was the fact this was done by the same people behind “Baccano”, which is one of my current favorite animes.

Durarara, besides having the whole characters with intersecting lives thing, also features the urban legend of a headless motorcycle rider, a serial slasher and various gangs. The concept definitely sounded like it could be really cool.

And the description is basically the most exciting thing about the show. That’s not to say the show is bad per se, it is just… well… it is boring, which I still am finding hard to believe. I guess I should start with the good stuff.

As I sat down on a nice Friday evening I popped in the DVD and began my journey into this odd world behind Durarara. The first thing that really surprised me was actually how slick the animation was. I really haven’t seen such well done animation in a TV show since Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex. The characters and backgrounds were really detailed and the character design was definitely cool. The intro goes through the characters, same as Baccano’s , which I think is pretty clever way to get you to know the cast as a whole. Unfortunately I was not a fan of the intro song but alas, I can’t like every J-pop intro out there, now can I?

Suffice it to say that after finishing the first episode and moving into the second I noticed that some of the story elements from the first episodes continued into the second and showed some of an earlier incident. Basically a girl seen walking with a definitely creepy guy is spotted in episode one and in the second she has a larger focus, finding out how she got there and what happened to her. This reminded me a lot of the show BoogiePop Phantom, where just  a  glimpse of one character in a previous episode would then turn into a focus in a later episode. While I can understand why this story telling mechanic is used I can’t say I am always a big fan of it and in the case of Durarara I definitely wasn’t a fan. I understand that with such a large cast this was needed but the second episode only a few details were really all that different.

After watching the first three episodes I was actually kind of “meh” about the show. It was just kind of dull. Nothing really interesting popped out at me. This changed slightly in episode four. The most interesting character is Celty the headless motorcycle rider, who is a dallahan from Celtic Legend. She has lost her head (something the dallahan usually keep close to them) and she is searching for it constantly. She also has no memories, which she figures is because her head is missing. She types in her phone via texting and this is how she communicates with her very human roommate…yeah a mythical creature has a roommate.  Once Celty is given some personality in this episode the show finally gets some life. I watched episode five, the last one on the disc, shows the slasher, which appears as a smallish womanlike figure with red eyes. It reminded me of the little girl from the Ring if she had a sword. It was interesting to see Celty and the slasher face off for a second but this confrontation was really short lived, considering they don’t fight or anything. They just kind of stand there for a moment while the slasher attempts takes off Celty’s already missing head.

As a whole the first five episodes were not very impressive. The art style is what kind of kept me watching the show at all as it was the only other interesting thing besides Celty. None of the other characters stood out. The slasher did make the show more interesting and I do plan to watch a bit more if only to see how the whole story comes together but it’s not something I would run out and buy. Again I can’t say the show is bad but it’s also not exactly a gripping tale. It’s just a mediocre anime and there is a lot better stuff out there story wise. Still, I will watch the show and at least finish the first season (there are only currently thirteen episodes out now) once it hits Netflix.

I am attempting to become a lizard so I can more easily watch the Visitors...

Since it’s premiere I have been a casual fan of the ABC series “V”.  I have not loved every episode, characters have been more than a tad annoying at times, and some of the plot lines felt a bit stale.  However, in my humble opinion it is better than a large majority of the junk that pollutes the digital television signal on a weekly basis.  That said, until recently, if I found myself with an hour less TV time a week I would strongly have considered dropping “V” before any other show.

This season the series was on a slow march towards significant improvement in quality.  I was moderately excited to see the episodes each week and even chose to watch them the night after they aired rather than wait till it was the only thing left on my DVR.  Unfortunately, somehow, my DVR recorded the episode entitled, “Concordia” without sound.  Rather the watch the whole thing closed captioned, I decided to delete the episode and catch it on Netflix, Hulu, or ABC.com.  Worst case scenario, I figured I would purchase the episode from iTunes or Amazon.

I was a little surprised when it was not streaming anywhere legally and free on the Internet.  I was simply flabbergasted when I realized it was not even available for purchase when I wanted to give the series money to buy it directly.  This left me only two options, give up on the series or skip a crucial episode in a highly serialized show.  Luckily in my complaining about the lack of “V” availability my sister-in-law mentioned she had the missing episode and I just needed to trek my family to her place to get caught up.

It should not be this hard to keep up with a television series.

Just today I reached my breaking point with “The Vampire Diaries”.  When it first premiered I gave it a shot and decided it was not for me, though I admittedly have unreasonably high expectations for vampire shows (I called them the “Whedon Factor”).  As the show continued I heard from people I trust that this was a fantastic series.  A couple of weeks ago I listened to an interview with one of the show’s stars on the Channel Surfing Podcast and thought “Vampire Diaries” sounded a lot more interesting then the first episode I watched almost two years ago.

I hoped the series would stream on Netflix, Hulu, Hulu Plus, or the new Amazon Prime streaming service.  Being a fairly popular show, with good buzz, I assumed they would want as many new eyeballs as they could get.  I assumed wrong.  It does not stream on Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon Prime.  It might stream on Hulu Plus but I have no idea how to find out and I’m not paying a monthly fee before I know what is available.

This leaves me a couple of options.  I can purchase season one on DVD, purchase season two when it comes out this summer, and start watching new episodes as they air next fall.  Or I can purchase season one on DVD and pick up season two on iTunes or Amazon for $2.99 an episode.  However, there are already 15 aired episodes of this series so far this season.  That’s almost 45 bucks for an incomplete season and I’d have to burn my DVR memory saving the rest of the season while I get caught up.  That is a tremendous amount of money when you add in the $28.99 it would cost to pick up season one on DVD.

If I want to download season one of Vampire Diaries it will cost me $32.99 for the standard definition version.  This version is a digital copy and requires no shipping, DVD or packaging materials, and very little storage costs because it is sent over the Internet.  But it is more expensive then the DVD version on Amazon.com because, why?

But if I really wanted to get caught up with “Vampire Diaries” I could do it.  I could not, however, watch “Vampire Diaries” comfortably or with my wife.  This is because once we get to our purchased season 2 episodes I would have to watch them on my laptop or my iPod if I purchased them in iTunes.  I cannot easily get content off my computer and onto my television.  I could purchase a Roku box or Apple TV, but is “Vampire Diaries” worth an additional $70.00 to $100.00 expense on top of the 80+ dollars I would be spending on the episodes?  Not likely when you factor in that I already own a PS3 and Wii both of which stream content from Netflix perfectly fine already.

Therefore, instead of watching “Vampire Diaries” as I would like to, I am going to fire up the PS3 navigate over to the Netflix channel and watch “Stargate Atlantis” which I am sure does not appeal to me as much as “Vampire Diaries” would have if I had the chance to check it out.  However, it is really simple to do and looks great in high definition.  All for about 8 bucks a month.

It is not surprising that television ratings are down.  I am forced to stream a show that has been off the air for two years because that is what is convenient and cost effective.

Everyone has that one thing that impacts their life dramatically – anime has had that impact on me from a young age. From the amazing art to the mature story lines, I was easily hooked. I remember always feeling that these sure weren’t my parents’ cartoons! I mean seriously, if Wile E. Coyete had something like a Gundam do you think he’d have an issue catching a road runner? Now that I think about it I’m almost positive ACME had something like a Mech in their catalog, so I don’t know why he always chose rockets that obviously weren’t quality controlled.

Because that looks safe...

To help show my anime loving roots, I’m going to reach into my memory vaults and share with you some of the most vital moments which shaped me into such an amine junkie. Careful not to wander off  – my mind can be a pretty scary place without supervision.

My first anime related memory, (and one of the earliest memories I can remember in general), is the day my sister was born. How is this anime related? Simple. She was born while I watched Robotech. Well, kind of. That morning I woke up and came downstairs into the living room. I tended to watch any kind of cartoon in those days but my favorites were Voltron and Robotech because they had “awesome robots”, as I always put it. So Robotech came on and while I watched Skull Squadron kick some serious rear, the normal human function of hunger decided that food was a bit more important than Rick Hunter and crew. I got up from the floor, my favorite seat when I was a boy, and decided I wanted pancakes. But…being five years old kind of prohibited me from operating a stove. I had no choice but to make my way upstairs to where my mother was still sleeping. Only I discovered she wasn’t sleeping and was actually in need of my father and trip to the hospital. It seemed my sister had decided she was on her way. I called my dad, (I’m still impressed I was able to use a rotary phone at such a young age), and he rushed home. I remember this really well because he was there in five minutes – just as I had settled myself back in front of Robotech. He got my mother and me into the car and took her to the hospital. At this point I was very angry. Not only was I still hungry, but now I was forced to miss the rest of my show! I was unceremoniously dropped off at my aunt’s house and forced to watch Days of Our Lives for the majority of the day. I hold a grudge against my sister to this day. (Just kidding. Kind of)

While I enjoyed watching anime, even though I had no idea it was even called anime, I was never really that into it. Over the years I had caught Vampire Hunter D on the Sci-fi channel (or now known as worst spelled ever channel, SyFy), seen Ninja Scroll at my friend’s house, and borrowed Akira from another friend’s home (I found it sorely lacking and didn’t understand all of the praise it always reaps), but I never actively searched it out. That was until a friend of mine handed me a VHS tape with the label “Neon Genesis Evangelion”.

As I watched all twenty-six episodes of what I still consider one of my favorite animes of all time, I was amazed. The depth of the story and the rich character development pulled me in like no other show, anime or otherwise, ever had. It was, to me, a beautiful masterpiece of tragedy and drama as Shinji Ikari battled in a world where he was forced into the role of savior. It really touched me. When the last credits finally rolled on episode twenty-six, I took a few moments to reflect on what I’d just experienced. If this was what anime was like, then it was time for me to go all in.

After Evangelion I sampled various anime genres, from comedy to drama to action – nothing was off limits. Some of them were fantastic, some merely decent, while others were downright bizarre. Some were just flat out awful and I couldn’t even finish them. But one thing was clear – Evangelion had changed my taste in entertainment. No show could capture the drama and awe I felt when I watched that show. Normal TV became just flat out boring.

The next anime that really jumped out at me was a fun OVA series called JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. It’s based on a manga where the story spans a couple of centuries and all the main characters are named JoJo. The story documents this family’s long battle with a vampire named Dio. The anime OVAs pickup with the third character named JoJo and in this series the characters have a power where they can call upon an inner self which then battles on their behalf. What made it fascinating to me was that the show had so much more going on than just people fighting over and over, like on Dragon Ball Z. (A show I could never get into.)

JoJo wants YOU to watch his show.

I loved this show so much that when it came out on DVD stateside I went looking for it everywhere. Unfortunately it was put out by an obscure company, so tracking down the various volumes was almost downright impossible in the age before eBay and the rise of the internet. Even with the internet at my side attempting to get these volumes was annoying and obnoxious. The six measly volumes of this OVA seemed to be hoarded and guarded by a Dragon or a really pissed off Boston Terrier! (If you’ve seen JoJo then you know the joke about the Boston Terrier…if you’re blinking in confusion then you need to watch the series.)  Even Amazon had issues selling the volumes. They had one volume that was labeled as volume 3 on their website. This was one of the more difficult to procure so I happily placed my order with Amazon and waited. A week later and I open the box to find a nice copy of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure volume….4. Figuring it was just a simple shipping mistake, I returned the order and ordered volume 3 AGAIN. Another week goes by and I end up with ANOTHER volume 4 in my mailbox. It seemed that Amazon only had volume 4 and they were mislabeled…by the company that was publishing them.  If Amazon couldn’t even get it from the company then I figured I was probably out of luck.  In the end I was able to get a few volumes at a couple of conventions I went to and finally managed to grab the last volume from the distribution company’s eBay store. Sadly the company vanished shortly thereafter and was not heard from again, taking another enjoyable series they had licensed down with them – Sci-fi Harry. I ended up paying way more for these volumes than I had for any other anime I had purchased at the time. Still, it was absolutely worth every penny, especially since it came with tarot cards based on the characters powers. Best. Extra. Ever.

Finally, I remember when I first saw the anime Rahxaphon. It’s pretty much a relatively big rip off of Evangelion, as it contains a bizarre amount of reused material and recycled concepts from that show. Nevertheless I still watched it, as I give everything its fair shot to wow me. While the series as a whole wasn’t much to speak of there was one episode which really took me by surprise. I should now mention this is a bit of a spoiler alert. In the episode the male hero, a 14 year old boy, brings one of his female friends from the place where he was born into the city in order to keep her away from the Institution he’s working for, as she might be contaminated. Hey – I’m doing the best I can with this description. This was a long time ago and my memory isn’t exactly the most reliable source. Anyway, as they were hiding in this hotel room one of the monsters the main character fights against (in his giant mecha called Rahxaphon – hello, name of series) appears. He decides to do battle and rushes away to fight it. During the entire episode the girl is obviously crushing on the hero and as he steps into his mech, something happens. Because the girl is contaminated she is connected to the monster – so as the hero battles it all the damage he inflicts on it also affects her. I remember sitting there drinking a soda and nearly spitting it up when the hero punches the monster in the face…and unknowingly sends the girl’s body flying across the room as the animated blood (which was purple because she was no longer human) splashed onto the wall. As the battle continued the room began to look more and more like a Jackson Pollock painting and the poor girl cried and tried in vain to profess her love of the hero…through electrical lights. It seemed that the monster could control the city’s lighting, so it flashed messages in an attempt to get the hero to notice. You could almost say that she was trying to profess her love through the lights as the hero put her lights out! Bad joke, I know.

I'm pretty sure she stole that dress right off Asuka's body.

Anyway, it was one of the most brutally depressing things I had seen in an anime up to this point and it was a deeply saddening experience. When it was finally over the hero character realized just what fighting had cost him as he returned to the hotel room and saw this poor girl splattered all over the floor. The whole episode was gripping and had nothing but raw emotion to it, which actually made the series a little less worth watching after that because it just continued to ghost all the ground Evangelion had already tread. It disappointed me that an anime capable of producing something so powerful just wound up retreating back into the shadow of another big robot anime. I understand that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but Rahxaphon pretty much ended up being Evangelion lite most of the time.

Anime has brought a whole lot to joy into my life, in many ways, not only from what I’ve seen, but I’ve also made friends and had great experiences thanks to anime. I’m a big convention guy now and have made both Anime Boston and Otakon annual events – which have generated a whole bunch of awesome memories. I collect all sorts of anime models and toys and have amassed a relatively large collection of anime DVDs that has probably cost me more money than I care to think about. When I feel like watching something, I don’t flip through the channels – I put on an anime. It’ll forever be a part of me and it’s something I could never give up or grow out of. Anyway I’m off…I got some Black Butler to watch!

I took this month to take in all the holiday advertising. It’s classic, it’s great, and you can’t argue that. Those commercials stay with you all year long. From the Campbell’s soup snowman kid, to the m&ms waiting under the tree for Santa. “HE DOES EXIST!”

When at first they appear between my favorite shows, I can’t help but feel warm inside. The season is upon us, and I have television to thank! This is what X-mas is all about, people. Yes, it DOES have a religious undertone. But a tree, with lights, fat man in a red suit, a bunch of presents, buying things, sales, receipts, gifts, stockings – that’s what REALLY matters. Great commercialism, selling products, that in turn, make you and others feel good. Merry Christmas to you too.

For me, the holiday season is marked by this one, single commercial. It’s not Christmas, without Joe, and the Pennsylvania Lottery crew, circa 1992. Are they all dead? Maybe? But who cares. “WHAT A GREAT GIFT.”

But even Rita and her cronies couldn’t get me pumped this year. I tried ever so hard to get into the mood. I even designed the sure fire X-mas spirit trifecta – a homemade hot toddy, Ernest Saves Christmas on VHS, and putting reindeer ears on my cat. Bing Crosby back from the dead couldn’t even get me pumped this year.

BUT THEN. It all came into perspective. This is it. The Kia Sales Event. Hot diggity, Christmas is saved!

For the record – I’d never get a car for Christmas. I’m just saying, that no one I know – no friends or loved ones would EVER give me a car for Christmas. After all, I don’t need a new car (knock on wood). Nor do I know anyone who would GET a car for Christmas, or can afford to just give away a car. I don’t even know anyone who would purchase the big ass bow that goes on top. Really? The bow? Necessary? Now you’re just showing off. But Kia, thanks for taking the cake. You’re the worst holiday commercial.

The Lexus December to Remember Event? Suck on this!

“I remember that year when Dad got drunk, and plowed through the living room, and drove over the tree, crushing all of our gifts? Then he woke up, and left us on Christmas morning. That was fun.”

I can’t take full credit for this design, as I saw a small rough version of the ghostbusters logo as a wreath used in a GeekChicDaily e-mail newsletter. I loved the idea so much that I made my own much cleaner high resolution version for my iPad and iPhone wallpaper. As another holiday gift to you, the MDP readers, here are the files so you can show that you ain’t afraid of no Ghosts of Christmas Past/Present/Yet-To-Come.

iPhone Wallpaper	iPad Wallpaper

Click the thumbnail for a full-size version

This is a huge relief, too, because I was set to be completely miserable about this movie. I followed the Rapunzel project for at least a couple of years in its pre-production with a good amount of excitement. I had read about the luscious, painterly aesthetic that the original director, Glen Keane, had wanted, and was looking forward to Rapunzel ushering in an entirely new style of CG animation. Then, later in 2009, I heard a few things that gave me pause:

• Glen Keane stepped down as director, leading to a new pair of directors being hired in his place. (Hm?)
• The Tony-Award-winning lead actors had been replaced by Mandy Moore and Zachary “Chuck” Levi. (What?)
• The animation style looked very standard compared to the concept art that had been released up to that point (What?)
• The title had been changed from Rapunzel to Tangled. (What?)
• Some of the jokes in the teaser trailer looked bad. Really bad. Like Shrek 3 bad. (Are you serious?)
• The focus of the marketing had been shifted from spunky female lead Rapunzel to her male co-star Flynn Rider. (B**** you gon’ get cut.)

That last part worried me especially. The main example I knew of a property with a strong female protagonist that shifted its focus to a male co-star purely for marketability’s sake was Cardcaptors. And the most I will say here on the subject of that particular adaptation is I have no son. So, yeah. You can imagine my trepidation as the release date for this movie loomed closer.

Getting faces from Dreamworks, are you, Disney?

Thankfully, I am pleased to report that Tangled is simply a victim of bad marketing, much like Megamind, only more so. Along with deceptive editing and music choices, the trailers include several shots that aren’t in the movie and don’t even look like they were intended to be in it to begin with. To be fair, some of the YouTube advertising is better, but still, most of the mainstream ads don’t touch on a lot of what end up being the movie’s greatest strengths.

The advertising doesn’t hint at the movie being a musical, for instance, which is a shame, because the songs are one of the elements that work really well here. True, they aren’t the greatest Disney songs of all time, and I do wish there had been more variety (there are only about five distinct songs presented). However, I think a lesson was learned following Princess and the Frog, at least: using fewer, more memorable songs works better than using a bunch of standard songs with few standouts. The Tangled songs, while not instant classics, are well-written, don’t slip out of your mind the second they’re over, and serve their purpose in the narrative. Nothing is here that is unwelcome or unnecessary. Highlights are “Mother Knows Best,” sung by Broadway star Donna Murphy as the spectacularly amoral Mother Gothel, and “I See The Light,” the movie’s major romantic setpiece (the “A Whole New World” or “Beauty and the Beast” here, if you will). “I See The Light” has already been nominated in several awards and critics’ circles for Best Original Song, if that tells you anything.

Ads also don’t give nearly enough time to take in the fact that there is more artistry to Tangled‘s CGI than there appears to be at first glance. What stuck out to me in the trailers and a good chunk of my first viewing were the character designs, which are pretty standard as far as modern computer-generated human characters go. Big Barbie doll eyes, smug expressions on everyone’s faces, you know the look. I wasn’t expecting anything special based on those designs. Where the movie really shines, however, especially on the big screen, is in the lighting and detail of environments and textures, and in minute-yet-effective touches in expression and movement (seriously, they even matched Mandy Moore’s faint lisp in Rapunzel’s lip movements). There is still plenty of inspiration being drawn from Rococo artwork for the backgrounds, too, and it looks flipping gorgeous. Compare The Swing, the painting that inspired the movie’s visuals originally, to some finished images from Tangled (I recommend clicking to view in more detail):

No exaggeration, I could almost cry over how beautiful this movie looks at times. I didn’t get teary-eyed at all on the first viewing, since I was focused more on the story at the time. On my second and third viewings, however, I felt my tear ducts acting up several times thanks to my having more room to just soak in the visuals and how much they really added to things. I really feel like I cannot stress these visuals enough. If you are a fan of animation of any kind, you owe it to yourself to see Tangled in theatres, preferably in 3D if you can. While not as crisp or deep-looking as an InTru3D movie, I can safely say that this is the best 3D I’ve seen out of a non-Dreamworks animated movie thus far. Seriously, bloody gorgeous.

Which leaves me with the heart of Tangled: the characters and story. Here I must admit that there is not much that’s particularly revelatory, but there’s still a fresh-feeling mix of tropes to be found. It’s a great turn by Disney to have a smarmy thief take the “prince” role in one of their big princess movies, and it’s always good to see a fun, strong female protagonist that young girls will be able to look up to. Also, as someone else pointed out to me, it’s interesting to see a Disney villain with no supernatural powers of her own, instead relying on pure emotional manipulation for the core of what she does. Some of the best Disney villains have been done similarly (e.g.: Scar from The Lion King, Frollo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame), so this is a big plus in my books. All three of these major characters are a joy to watch whenever they’re on screen, and they all have great chemistry with one another. The side characters are no slouches, either; in particular, Maximus the Laser-Guided Thief-Seeking Missile of Equine Death steals the show in every scene he’s in, and may quite possibly be the greatest cartoon horse in history.

As for the story: I went and compared it to some of the original versions of the Grimms’ Rapunzel tale, and while Tangled is obviously divergent right from Frame 1, I feel it ties just enough back to the familiar tale to be relevant to its themes of over-protective parenting, naivety, maturation, and conveniently unexplained plot devices (especially near the end, with the part that’s most faithful to the original). The differences feel necessary to make the story relevant and entertaining to modern audiences, and everything is paced very well, never feeling either rushed or dragged out.

So, to cut a long story short, go see Tangled, especially if you’ve ever loved a Disney animated movie in your life. You might not cry unless you’re a sap like me, but you’ll almost certainly laugh and have a hair-raising good time at the theatre.

[Eryn was then taken out and shot for that horrible pun. Send flowers and "get well" cards care of The Modern Day Pirates.]

Rating: ★★★★½ 

Nothing is worse than the angry fanboy standing upon their soapbox, decrying some new media that has offended their source material  (anyone who wants an extra half hour in Lord of the Rings for Tom Bombadil is a bit off their rocker, for instance).  Unfortunately, I’ve taken up that cause for The Walking Dead, as I feel its final episode turned it into an utter disappointment for fans of the comic series.  Be warned, this post is almost entirely spoilers, so if you still intend to catch up the show, turn away now!

Leading up to the season finale, the show had been a bit up and down, with episodes that were only loosely attached to the plot from the comics.  It was generally accepted, though, that these new stories were good in their own right.  The show did many things well, with high production values and great casting.  The only complain up until now is that with the expanded cast (there are many more humans in the show than in the comics), not enough time was spent developing the relations of the characters to each other.  That being said, four out of the five episodes were extremely high-quality TV in my opinion (episode 4 being the one you can skip, ironically the one written by comic creator Robert Kirkman), so I was still going into the finale with an open mind as to the verdict for this season.

This lack of character development proved to be the show’s downfall, as we are treated to a scientific explanation of the zombie disease early on in the finale.  This felt similar to watching Star Wars Episode I and hearing Liam Neeson explain that The Force is just some microbes in your DNA!  People don’t like The Walking Dead because of the zombies, they enjoy the human case study of people trying to get by in a post-apocalyptic setting.  Zombies are the backdrop, so it was a disappointment to see this much time spent showcasing them as a plot focus.

That's right, I screwed Rick's wife and survived Season 1. Thank god we're focusing on zombies rather than the humans!

From there, the show went downhill fast.  During the scientific explanation, was there any doubt that patient TS-19 was secretly the doctor’s wife?  The doctor continued to cause the episode to stumble, with an end-of-the-world rant that includes France being awesome and slams the use of fossil fuels, all within 30 seconds.  Really, writers?  What time like the end of the world to make a veiled political statement.

As the action commenced in the episode’s final moments, it became clear that the writer’s room truly was flying by the seat of its pants.  As our heroes made their escape, with the facility having powered itself down to only the most essential functions, we still had active security cameras to enable the heartwarming moment back in CDC command.  The doctor, a man of science, is entertaining notions of god?  Also, if the entire facility had run out of fossil fuels, what exactly reacted with the air when it ignited to cause such a spectacular explosion?

I know some of these points get into the nit-picky range, but once the show made itself clear on what direction it was taking, I found it hard  not to notice all of the flaws.  The majority of viewers I’ve spoken to who have no experience with the comics have an overall high opinion of the show, and I can’t help but agree with them that even the worst AMC show is better than the average television series. That being said, the entire writing staff for this show has already been fired, so I’m not the only person who sees the series this way.

Season 2 has been a given since before the first episode even premiered, so hopefully this will lead to some major improvements with the plot.  Here are some predictions for what we will see in the upcoming episodes:

• The doctor whispered a secret in Rick’s ear during the closing moments of the finale.  This will turn out to be either a revelation that his wife is pregnant, or that all humans are already infected, and will eventually turn into zombies no matter how they die.
• Our man from Episode 1 who was left on the roof will return as a major villain, The General, the one-handed ruler of a Thunderdome-style society that our heroes will stumble upon and have to escape.

"4... 8... 15.. 16... 23... 42..."

The title says it all…and the length of this article shows what a true Christmas-loving nut I really am. All movies/specials are listed chronologically.

It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

A timeless classic film, this often spoofed tale tells of angel Clarence who, while trying to earn his wings, shows a frustrated businessman (played by James Stewart) what life would had been like if he had never been born. Heartwarming to the very end, kids everywhere now know that every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.  I used to find it long and boring as a kid, but now as an adult, it’s one I want to watch every year.

The ending gives me the warm fuzzies every time.

Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

A sweet old man who claims to be Santa Claus is institutionalized as insane and a young lawyer decides to argue in court that he is, in fact, the real thing.  One I’m ashamed I’m not more familiar with (as I know it’s been a Christmas classic since the 40’s), I clearly need to head out and pick up a copy.

Pluto’s Christmas Tree (1952)

Pluto comes bounding outside to help Mickey get a Christmas tree, and Chip and Dale (residents of the tree Mickey and Pluto chop down) taunt Pluto during the whole tree decorating process.  Of all Disney shorts of this nature, this one is definitely my favorite.

Awww

White Christmas (1954)

A 2-person male song-and-dance act team up with a 2-person female song-and-dance act in this tale of romantic mix-ups that showcases the 1950’s talents of Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen.  An adaptation of this movie came to Broadway as a musical during the 2009 season (and got terrible reviews, and did not return again this holiday season), but this classic movie version is far superior.

Dr. Suess’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1960)

Every child knows that every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville – did not.  Next to the Cat in the Hat, the Grinch is arguably one of Dr. Seuss’s most recognized and loved characters of all time.  This special always makes me want to learn how to play “noisy games like zoozit and kazay;” because really, they just sound like a ton of fun.  There is a live action version of this animated classic that debuted in 2000 starring Jim Carey as the Grinch, and while I don’t find it anywhere near as good as the original, it can be worth watching if you’re a Jim Carey fan (or a fan of a 45-minute classic special being expanded into a full length movie in ways it probably shouldn’t).

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

Rankin-Bass has produced many of these “claymation” Christmas specials and the herky-jerky movements of their characters have come to be known and loved by many.  Rudolph is by far the most popular of the Rankin-Bas

Hermie + Rudolph = biffs

s holiday productions, telling the story of the misfit reindeer and adorable oddball elf Hermie who discover togetherthe Island of Misfit Toys, a place full of other creatures that don’t quite know where they fit in.    Yukon Cornelius and the Abominable Snowman are just two of the hilarious and charming friends Rudolph and Hermie meet along the way. I think it’s absolutely adorable that Hermie wants to be a dentist instead of an elf, and his “Why Am I Such a Misfit?” song is one that’s sure to stay in my head for a good portion of December.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

By far my favorite of the Peanuts holiday specials, this one showcases the ever- melancholy Charlie Brown learning how to find the true meaning of Christmas. Linus, Snoopy, Lucy and a charmingly scrawny Christmas tree make this a Christmas classic to remember. Every year I marvel at 3 things: (1) When Charile Brown finds Snoopy atop his doghouse reading the newspaper and snacking on a stack of bones that reaches all the way to the doghouse roof, why does the piles of bones never decrease despite just how much Snoopy is eating? (2) Who taught those kids to dance, because I want to meet that dance teacher!  When the “extras” rock out to Schroeder’s music, I think it’s one of the most adorable Peanuts moments ever – and it doesn’t even star any of the main Peanuts charcters! and (3) I wish decorating/transforming a tiny stick of a Christmas tree could be as easy as waving your arms around wildly while holding decorations.

My favorite little dancers

Frosty the Snowman (1969)

Everyone’s favorite holiday snowman Frosty teams up with schoolgirl Karen to avoid the evil magician Professor Hinkle who is determined to steal back his magic top hat that made Frosty come to life in the first place (“I want that hat and I want it now!”).  Journey with Frosty, Karen and Professor Hinkle’s mischievous rabbit Hocus Pocus up to the North Pole.  My favorite part is when the policeman is so startled by a talking snowman that he swallows his whistle and can continue to communicate by somehow blowing the whistle in his throat; how he doesn’t choke and die is possibly the REAL Christmas miracle of this special.

Frosty’s Winter Wonderland (1970)

In this Frosty-centered special that is nowhere near as popular or well known as the 1969 Frosty the Snowman, Frosty is lonely being the only snowman – so the kids team up to build Frosty a wife named Crystal.  The kids

Frosty and his wife, Crystal

convince Parson Brown to marry them, but Jack Frost sets out  (for reasons I either don’t remember or are possibly ill-explained) to ruin Frosty’s marriage.  I just recently found this special on a DVD with Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974)  on an Amazon Cyber Monday deal, and am eager to watch both again; having them only be available on VHS was really unacceptable!

Santa Clause is Comin’ to Town (1970)

A lesser-known Rankin-Bass production, this one tells the origins of the beloved Santa Clause.  A mailman answers common questions about Santa Clause, beginning with Kris Kringle’s humble beginnings as a small baby left on the doorstep of the Kringle family who grew up to fulfill his dream of delivering toys to other children.  Not one I’m as familiar with as others, but I do know that you can listen for the voice talents of Fred Astaire and Mickey Rooney.

The Year Without a Santa Clause (1974)

Another Rankin-Bass production that has gained a name for itself in recent years thanks to its repeat showings on ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas every year.   Mrs. Claus tells of the time Santa had a bad cold and decided to take a vacation from Christmas. Jingle Bells and Jangle Bells, along with Vixen, head out to find children to convince Santa that the Christmas spirit is still important to everybody else, despite his head cold. However Heat Miser and Snow Miser (aka the Miser Brothers) provide obstacles for these 2 elves and their reindeer on their mission. Heat Miser and Snow Miser’s theme songs beat out “Why Am I Such a Misfit?” for the 2 Christmas songs from holiday specials that stay stuck in my head well into January.

Snow Miser and Heat Miser

T’was the Night Before Christmas (1974)

This lesser-known animated feature tells the story of a town learning that it has been crossed off of Santa’s delivery schedule due to an insulting letter (which, as it turns out, was sent by a town mouse!). The townsfolk must find a way to band together to change Santa’s mind before it is too late and Christmas is ruined. “Even a Miracle Needs a Hand” is a pretty catchy song from this special that I always find myself remembering the words to once it starts up.

Emmett Otter’s Jugband Christmas (1977)

Narrated by Kermit the Frog himself, this Christmas tale tells of poor (and adorable) otters Emmett and his Ma who work to raise enough money to buy the other a Christmas present. You can see the wires that work the puppets (so you know this special is old!) but I think this makes it all the more charming.  Plus, I think the members of the Riverbottom Nightmare Band are hilariously random and badass; never again do you see Muppets quite like this.

C'mon, how cool is the Riverbottom Nightmare Band?

Christmas Eve on Sesame Street (1978)

Big Bird worries when Oscar the Grouch says that if Santa Clause can’t fit down the chimney that no one will get presents.  Leave it to Oscar to try to ruin a warm and fuzzy holiday!  I remember a Feliz Navidad ice skating segment of this that I always thought was cool, and Cookie Monster eats a typewriter while trying to type a letter to Santa; Cookie Monster is never not awesome.  I’m pretty sure that since this one, there have been other Sesame Street movies pertaining to Christmas (like an Elmo’s Christmas Countdown in 2007 and A Sesame Street Christmas Carol in 2006) that might also be worth checking out.

Bugs Bunny’s Looney Christmas Tales (1979)

This compilation of a few Looney Tunes episodes centers on an episode of a Christmas Carol, with Yosemite Sam playing the part of Scrooge.  You can YouTube segments of all the cartoons included (what did the world do before YouTube?).  For another version of a Looney Tunes Christmas Carol, check out Bah Humduck (2006) that stars Daffy Duck as Scrooge, Tweety and Granny as the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Yosemite Sam as the Ghost of Christmas Present and Taz as the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Ziggy!

Ziggy’s Gift (1982)

This Emmy-winning special is based on Tom Wilson’s comic strip “Ziggy”  and known by nearly no one I’ve ever mentioned it to.  When he becomes a street side charity Santa for, Ziggy doesn’t realize the donations are really going straight into a crime bosses’ bank account; but this clueless little do-gooder winds up setting things straight anyway.  Ziggy himself doesn’t speak, but other characters do, and I think it’s a unique dynamic to have the main character not say a single word the entire time. A must-watch for me every year.

A Christmas Story (1983)

Shown in a 24-hour marathon every Christmas Day, journey with Ralphie as he tries to convince his parents, teachers and Santa himself that a Red Ryder BB gun would be the perfect holiday gift.  I can never decide if the leg lamp or Ralphie’s pink bunny footie pajamas are my favorite part of this holiday special; you could triple dog dare me, and I probably still wouldn’t be able to choose.

A Chipmunk Christmas (1981)

Alvin, Simon and Theodore are preparing for their holiday concert at Carnegie Hall, and Alvin learns the true meaning of giving at Christmastime when he gives his precious golden echo harmonica to a sick boy, Tommy, to cheer up his Christmas. If you buy the DVD with this special, included are also two other Chipmunks specials from the Chipmunks cartoon TV series; one where Alvin learns (Christmas Carol style) about the true meaning of being selfless at Christmas and another where Dave wonders (It’s a Wonderful Life style) if the Chipmunks would have been better off with out him. Don’t worry, that catchy Chipmunks Christmas song you can hear on the radio this time of year is obviously showcased.

Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983)

Scrooge McDuck is, obviously, Ebenezer Scrooge in this version, with Mickey as Bob Crachitt, Minnie as Mrs. Crachitt, Goofy as the Ghost of Jacob Marley and Jiminey Cricket as the Ghost of Christmas Past.  I think this is probably the first version of A Christmas Carol I ever saw as a kid; and since it’s Disney, it obviously ranks highly with me.

The Christmas Toy (1986)

Long before Toy Story came on the scene, in this Jim Henson feature you can experience toys that come to life when their children aren’t around and watch as they struggle to accept the new Christmas presents that arrive on the scene this Christmas.  Rugby the Tiger and Mew the cat toy are two of the cutest and most underrated Muppets in all of the Muppet family; it’s only fair that they balance out Meteora, the most terrifying toy I’ve ever seen (and I’m not even sure she was meant to be terrifying).

Meteora; look at her. Fear her.

A Muppet Family Christmas (1987)

This one ties for my favorite Christmas movie/special of all time (along with Muppet Christmas Carol).  Join Kermit, Fozzie, the classic Muppets gang as they crash Fozzie’s mom’s house and ruin her plans to head to the beach for the holidays.  Soon the Sesame Street gang shows up, Kermit and Robin discover the Fraggles, and once Miss Piggy makes it through the snowstorm, the whole Muppet gang is together for a nice, cozy Christmas.  Jim Henson himself makes a cameo at the very end of this special, which is twice as heartwarming now that Henson is no longer alive.  Just as a warning: be sure to watch out for the icy patch!

All Muppets together in harmony in Muppet Family Christmas

A Garfield Christmas Special (1987)

Just when I think I can’t love Garfield any more after his Halloween and Thanksgiving specials, I remember his Christmas special.  Oh man, talk about quality.  Everyone’s favorite fat cat heads out to John’s family farmhouse for the holidays, and amazing family moments ensue.  From John’s dad reading Binky the Clown Saves Christmas to John and his brother Doc Boy, to Odie constructing an adorable backscratcher out of miscellaneous items in the garage, this special is both humorous and touching all at once.  My favorite character is definitely John’s crazy Grandma; she knows how to get down with her bad self at the piano playing Christmas carols!

Scrooged (1988)

A bitter TV executive  (played by Bill Murray) has an upcoming segment on his TV station that is scheduled to be an adaptation of the classic Christmas Carol.  Due to his unpleasant childhood, he is cynical towards the entire Christmas season and isn’t fond of this plan for his station, until he’s taught a lesson by three ghosts like the real Christmas Carol story.  Not a Christmas movie I am overly familiar with by any means, but I’ve been told that if you’re a Bill Murray fan that you need to see it.  I don’t know much about Bill Murray (except that my dad met him on a golf course not long after he was charged with driving a golf cart drunk in 2007 and got his autograph on a scorecard) or his movies, but any version of a Christmas Carol is usually OK in my book.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

Probably the most loved of the National Lampoon comedies, Christmas Vacation puts you at the center of the Griswold family Christmas.  Clark’s (played by comedic genius Chevy Chase) continual bad luck makes preparing for the holiday a bit of a challenge, but he manages to keep his spirits high with the thought of his Christmas bonus; until he learns that his company is going to have to cut back on the Christmas bonuses this year.  Absolutely nothing can top the Griswold’s 20,000 light display and Christmas tree that is too big to fit in the living room; every year, no matter how much I decorate, I can never hope to achieve that level of festiveness.

Home Alone (1990) and Home Alone 2 (1992)

AAAHHH!

Anyone who was a kid in the 90’s is familiar with Kevin’s plight of being left alone by accident various times from his family’s Christmas vacation.  In the first one, Kevin (played by Macaulay Culkin; what the heck happened to him, by the way?) is accidentally left home at Christmastime when his family goes to France for the holidays and must outwit two robbers (Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern). In the sequel, Kevin mistakenly winds up in New York City at Christmastime (away from the rest of his family due to a mix up at the airport) and finds he has to outsmart the same two robbers again. I always loved the 2^nd one even more than the 1^st one since I love NYC at Christmas time and a lot of the places Kevin winds up (like Rockefeller Center and FAO Schwartz) are places I like to visit at Christmas.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

This one ties for my favorite Christmas movie/special of all time (along with Muppet Family Christmas).  This telling of the classic Christmas carol puts Jim Henson’s beloved characters at the center of this story, with narration by Gonzo and Rizzo the Rat, and Kermit the Frog starring as Bob Cratchitt alongside Michael Cane’s Ebenezer Scrooge.  Endearingly witty in only the way the Muppets can be, I can basically recite every line and song to this one.  I love Sam Eagle’s brief moments as Scrooge’s old headmaster, every line Rizzo has still makes he crack up…and I think this Muppet version of the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come is freakier than any other I’ve seen in any other version of A Christmas Carol.  I’ve been known to watch it in the summer months just because I feel like it.

!!!!!!! <3

A Flintstones Christmas Carol (1994)

Fred Flintstone is starring as Ebenezer Scrooge in a theater adaptation of the Christmas Carol classic, but is mirroring a bit too closely the personality traits of Scrooge in his every day life.  I wish I remembered more about this one; time for me to start tracking it down in a DVD bargain bin, I think.  For more Flintstones holiday fun, check out The Flintstones Christmas in Bedrock (1996) where a caveless (ha…cute) kid comes to live with the Flintstones on Christmas and ends up getting himself and Fred stuck in jail right before Fred is scheduled to appear as Santa Clause in the Bedrock Christmas parade.

The Santa Clause” (1994), The Santa Clause 2 (2002) and The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)

When Scott Calvin (played by Tim Allen) accidentally kills Santa Clause on Christmas Eve, he must take his place – and all the responsibilities that come with it. In the first one, he is less than willing to take on this task, but he (of course) eventually comes around.  In the second, he learns that he must take a wife (because the world needs a Mrs. Clause), and in the third he battles Jack Frost (played by Martin Short) to regain control of Christmas.  The first one is obviously the best, the second one is pretty good too, but by the third one they’re really stretching….and Martin Short gets annoying.  It’s worth watching the whole trilogy though, to watch this whole story play all the way out.

Jingle All the Way (1996)

Oh man, an Arnold movie. Not only an Arnold movie, but an Arnold Christmas movie.  Taking Arnold out of his typical badass action movie role Kindergarten Cop style, this Christmas movie showcases Arnold trying to make it up to his disappointed son that he’s been a distant and uninvolved father by tracking down the year’s hottest Christmas gift – Turbo Man.  A must see for any Arnold fan.

Chucklewood Critters!

Chucklewood Forest Critters: Twas the Day Before Christmas (1996)

Oh yes, I’m back to advocating the critters no one but me has ever heard of.  In this adventure, Buttons (bear cub) and Rusty (fox cub) search for festive Christmas ornaments throughout Chucklewood Forest .  They wind up discovering a “monster,” but soon find out this monster’s true identity and celebrate Christmas together as one big happy forest of friendly critters.  YouTube this one and watch it in 3 segments.

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1997)

Some argue this is only a Halloween special, but I’m an advocate of it being watched both in October and December (or, really, at any time of year, simply because I just like it that much).  Pumpkin King Jack Skellington searches for life outside of Halloweentown–and determines that Christmastown is just the place to give him the new perspective he needs. “What’s This?” is truly a Christmas song in it’s own right, and I feel should be played on the radio right alongside traditional songs like “Jingle Bells.”

Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas (1997)

Iffy on exactly when this takes place, but it seems to be during the middle of Belle’s time as a prisoner in the Beast’s castle.  Against the Beast’s wishes, Belle brings Christmas spirit to the castle. A pipe organ Forte (who doesn’t have any role in the main Beauty and the Beast cast of characters) fears that Belle’s Christmas cheer will end the curse and life will return to normal at the castle; and he’s probably the only enchanted item who does not want this.  He wants to stay an inanimate object, as he apparently feels more useful to the Beast as an organ than as a human (yeah…slightly confusing), so he sets out to destroy Belle’s efforts and get rid of her.  Not one that’s easily obtained nowadays, it’s often easiest to watch it in segments on YouTube.

It’s A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002)

Resembling “It’s A Wonderful Life,” a downtrodden Kermit the Frog is sent an angel (played by David Arquette) from God (played by Whoopi Goldberg) to show him what life for the rest of his Muppet pals would be like if he were never born. Endearing in ways that only the Muppets can be, look for a particularly funny cameo by the cast of Scrubs.

Elf (2003)

Will Ferrell stars as Buddy, a normal-sized man raised in Santa’s elf community who is sent away from the North Pole to the United States in search of his true identity. Will Ferrell can be hit or miss with me, but I adore his portrayal of Buddy the Elf in this movie (however, if you can’t stand Will Ferrell on any level, I suggest skipping this one).  “First we’ll make snow angels for a two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle!” Sounds like a perfect plan to me, Buddy.

The Polar Express (2004)

Tom Hanks took on the voices and animated faces of multiple characters to tell the story of a doubting boy on Christmas Eve who boards the magical train that’s headed to the North Pole. Based on the popular book by Chris Van Allsburg, I really like this movie version a lot – even though I think the Hero Girl is creepishly animated and that the Know-It-All-Kid has a mind-numbingly obnoxious voice that makes me want to kick something or someone every time he has a spoken line.

A Scooby Doo Christmas (2004)

Oh man. In doing my research for this article, I came across this Christmas special that I was unaware of; and it looks like it has the potential to be amazingly terrible (a quality I happen to love). On the way to Daphne’s relatives’ for the holidays, Scooby and the rest of the gang detours through the town of Winter Hollow, where the vengeful Headless Snowman has destroyed the town’s Christmas spirit. “Vengeful Headless Snowman” may just be something I have to check out…

Shrek the Halls (2007)

I actually didn’t even know this existed, and now I kind of want to watch it.  My Googling of it says it takes place between Shrek the Third and Shrek Ever After, when Fiona and Shrek’s children are babies.  Shrek sets out with his copy of “Christmas for Village Idiots” to make this Christmas the best ever for his family; but some squabbling with Donkey and Puss in Boots puts a snag in his perfect plans.  I’m a fan of the Shrek movies (I actually like the way they subtlety poke fun at Disney movies, even though I will advocate the awesomeness of Disney movies until the day I die), so this half hour special is probably worth checking out.

Fred Clause (2007)

Vince Vaughn stars as Fred, Santa’s bitter and spiteful older brother, who is agrees to go to the North Pole and help out his little brother (Paul Giamatti) with the Christmas rush.  Even though the elves kind of creep me out, I like Vince Vaughn’s style of comedy, so this movie was alright with me (but Elf with Will Ferrell is far funnier, in my opinion).

A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa (2008)

In the newest of the Muppet Christmas specials, Gonzo accidentally sidetracks three letters to Santa – so he talks Kermit and their pals into delivering them personally to the North Pole.  Look for cameos by Nathan Lane, Jane Krakowski, Whoopi Goldberg, Michael Bloomburg and Uma Thurman.  Probably my least favorite out of all the Muppets Christmas movies/specials; but hey, you still can’t go wrong with the Muppets.

Oh hey Nathan Lane

A Christmas Carol (2009)

The classic tale told starring Jim Carey, who pulls a Tom Hanks in the Polar Express and lends his voice to a huge majority of the characters from Scrooge at all ages to all 3 of the Ghosts.  Not one I’ve gotten around to seeing yet (and I must admit, I think the animated Scrooge that’s made to look a little bit like Jim Carey comes across slightly creepy), but the reviews have been very favorable.  Anyone seen it and care to weigh in an opinion?

Speaking of weighing in opinions…what Christmas favorite of yours would you like to add to my list?

"I know! I'll call Grandma! John, you're a genius!"

Garfield’s Thanksgiving

“That’s the day people celebrate food by eating as much of it as possible. Yes! That’s the day they try to eat every turkey, pumpkin, and cranberry on the face of the earth. It’s a tradition. And you know how I LOVE tradition!” Everyone’s favorite orange fat cat describes Thanksgiving perfectly with this statement.  In what’s probably myfavorite Thanksgiving special, John Arbuckle takes Garfield to the vet the day before Thanksgiving and she decides that Garfield should go on a diet – the day before the biggest eating holiday of the year.  John has a crush on the vet, and invites her over to his house for their first date – Thanksgiving dinner.  Surprisingly enough, she has no other Thanksgiving plans lined up with family or friends, so she agrees.  Look for an appearance by John’s endearingly crazy Grandma (who many remember from the Garfield Christmas special), who helps John cook an amazing Thanksgiving meal for his date.

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving
As much as I love the Peanuts gang and have to watch this special every year, I can’t help but take issue with what a bitch Peppermint Patty is every time I watch it.  She calls up Charlie Brown in her husky man voice and informs him that she, her friend Marcie (aka, the girl with the glasses who calls Peppermint Patty “Sir” and raises eyebrows about both of their sexualities), and her friend Franklin (aka, the token black Peanuts character, who I’m not even positive has any spoken lines in this special) will be showing up at Charlie Brown’s house for a Thanksgiving meal. Who calls up their friends the day of a national holiday and demands they serve them a huge feast of food? Charlie Brown and Sally

Peppermint Patty: Worst Thanksgiving guest EVER

already have plans to go to their grandmother’s for Thanksgiving, but because Charlie Brown is “so wishy washy”  Peppermint Patty and her pals wind up coming over beforehand.  Enlisting the help of Snoopy and Woodstock, Charlie Brown and his trusty pal Linus use an obscene amount of toasters to make toast with butter, which they serve alongside pretzels, jelly beans, popcorn and ice cream as their Thanksgiving meal.  When their guests show up, Peppermint Patty bitches Charlie Brown out for not serving traditional Thanksgiving foods, such as stuffing and turkey.  Aren’t these kids, like, 5 years old?? I think that’s a fantastic meal for a 5 year old to throw together last minute!  And can’t Peppermint Patty at least marvel at the fact that Charlie Brown’s beagle is able to operate a toaster AND pop popcorn on a stovetop?  Sheesh!  In the end, Charlie Brown’s grandmother winds up inviting all the kids to her place for a REAL Thanksgiving meal; and as they sing “Over the River and Through the Woods to Grandmother’s House We Go” during the car ride there, Charlie Brown endearingly laments that the lyrics to the song aren’t correct in this case  because his grandmother lives in a condominium.

Why is no one more impressed with Snoopy's culinary abilities??

A Winnie the Pooh Thanksgiving
The adorable Hundred Acre Wood critters prepare for Thanksgiving dinner by bringing biscuits, acorns, lemonade, honey and ice cream. However, Rabbit sees the feast they’re putting together and yells at them that a real Thanksgiving dinner should include include turkey, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie – so Pooh and his friends set out to find these foods. Clearly Rabbit and Peppermint Patty should be locked in a room together (and maybe forced to battle it out – my money’s on the butch Peppermint Patty) as they seem to be sticklers for what can and cannot be served at Thanksgiving dinner!

God Bless Us Everyone! Wait...

I swear they're very cute critters!

Buttons & Rusty And The Turkey Gang: The Turkey Caper
Yes, this is another Chucklewood Forest Friends special from the 80s (if you read my Top Nonscary Halloween Movies/Specials post, I mentioned Which Witch Is Witch? starring these cartoon critters).  Join Rusty (fox cub) and Buttons (bear cub) in their quest to save the wild turkeys in their forest from becoming Thanksgiving dinner. I swear these specials really are adorable, and you can find them all on YouTube; I hope that one day I will not be the only person on the planet to have the slightest clue of their existence.

Bugs Bunny’s Thanksgiving Diet
Join Bugs and the rest of the Looney Tunes gang as they prepare for Turkey Day. This is one I know I watched as a kid, but don’t actually remember very well. I’ve even had some issues tracking down it down on YouTube; if anyone else is more successful than I am regarding where to find this one, definitely comment below!

Is this even out on DVD? I feel like Amazon only has it on VHS

Dynamic comedy duo

Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Yes, I realize this is a full-length movie and not a special, but it’s one of the few movies that actually centers around the Thanksgiving holiday.  Steve Martin plays Neal Page, a man desperate to get home to his family for Thanksgiving. However, his flight has been canceled due to inclement weather, so he must use other means of transportation. Neal find himself faced with Del Griffith (played by the late John Candy), a shower curtain ring salesman who never shuts up–and happens to be traveling in the same direction as Neal. If you like the comedic talents of Steve Martin and/or John Candy, you’ll get a good laugh at this movie.

Know of any other Thanksgiving specials/movies I missed? Post ‘em below!

I wasn’t sure what to expect from this movie when I first saw the teaser trailer. The design work and animation on the big blue guy himself looked great, but the “Durr hurr accidentally played embarrassing music in the wrong situation, whoopsie!” gag has been done to death, as has AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” for that matter. Also there was a quirky comedy sidekick involved. Great when done right, but done wrong often enough to make me wary when I catch wind of one. Lastly, there was the billing of Will Ferrell, who’s very hit or miss with me. Things looked a little better when the full trailer came out, but I still wasn’t totally sold. I resolved that I was probably going to see it out of curiosity, but wasn’t expecting anything spectacular.

I am happy to report that, while not totally spectacular, Megamind hit a lot more often than it missed. Not only was it funnier than I expected, but also a lot more heartfelt. I was pleasantly surprised. But then, at this point I probably should have expected to be surprised. This isn’t the first time I’ve enjoyed a Dreamworks movie more than the ads led me to believe I would (e.g.: Monsters vs. Aliens, How to Train Your Dragon). I really want to know why this happens. Why do the trailers and marketing for Dreamworks movies almost always seem to grossly under-represent the true quality of the material, especially for their recent non-sequel output? Is it because they think the more heartfelt, human side of these movies will drive away excitable young boys or something? I know they say to keep the very best material out of your trailers, but man, there’s still room to show off sometimes. Don’t leave me thinking your movie is going to be full of flat stereotypes and rehashed jokes when it’s not.

That said, Megamind does feature some stereotypes and rehashed jokes (as well as copious amounts of the much-maligned Dreamworks face). A lot of what’s done in this movie was done just as well, if not better back in 2008 by Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, including the ambitious supervillain who secretly wants the good girl, and the disgustingly smarmy superhero whom everyone worships despite his smarminess. Stylistically, it draws a lot from The Incredibles, too, most prominently in the character designs (very exaggerated and cartoon-y, but with some degree of realism too) and the over-the-top comic book tropes it plays off of. Then there’s the requisite pop culture jokes Dreamworks seems to love, though, to be fair, there aren’t as many as you would expect, and more of them work than don’t (e.g: the “No You Can’t” posters; one really great Donkey Kong gag).

Also, I was really hoping that Roxanne would bust out of the damsel in distress role a little bit more, but she ultimately didn’t. It was great to see that she wasn’t intimidated by any superheroes or villains in the movie, and that she was doing independent investigating while the plot was going on. In the end, though, she didn’t do much to help in the latter part of the movie, and she needed the male characters to rescue her from danger several times. I wouldn’t call this a huge feminist failure, at least, seeing as there’s only so much you can do when you need a character to fill the Lois Lane trope in your superhero parody movie; the creative team tried, and that’s commendable. Still, just a little, bitty bit more awesome stuff from Roxanne would have been nice to see.**

So, maybe Megamind isn’t the most original animated movie ever created. Heck, I would call it flat-out predictable. That doesn’t stop it from being a heck of a fun time at the theatre, though. You may be able to see broad plot points coming, but how you get to those points still feels inventive, especially with the action-y bits. And good god does this movie have some great action-y bits. Seriously, for a family film, there’s a lot of cool stuff to see. There are some really awesome flying scenes, especially later in the movie, and some neat mech-on-superhero fighting too.

Aside from the action, there are a bunch of really strong visual and verbal gags to appreciate as well, and they work largely thanks to the good chemistry between all the major characters. Megamind and Minion make a great “villainous” duo (much to my relief), Megamind and Roxanne bounce off each other in a myriad of interesting ways, and there’s a tangibly uncomfortable and yet hilarious tension between Roxanne and Hal. Those are just a few of the character combinations, too; just about any interaction you could conceive of works.

Music is another really strong point here. The score by Lorne Balfe and Hans Zimmer is big, loud, and unsubtle, but for this kind of over-the-top cartoon superhero movie, that’s fitting; it works. Then there’s the use of AC/DC tracks, which has the same unsubtle-and-yet-fitting feeling. There are about four of their songs used in total – just enough to give the character of Megamind a strong signature musical style, but not so many that the usage feels forced. I have a feeling that this movie is going to help turn more than a few kids into classic rock fans later in life. The only song choice I kind of tilted my head at was Michael Jackson’s “Bad” at the end. The lyrics are in theme with the other songs, sure, but the actual style of the music isn’t, so it made for a slightly abrupt change in tone. Eh. Not too big a deal, though.

This all looks fantastic with Dreamworks’ InTru3D, by the way. I’ve seen a lot of 3D movies over the past two years, and I am convinced that InTru3D is the best 3D anyone offers short of James Cameron’s stuff. There’s just something about it that makes depth seem deeper (if that makes sense) and texture/shapes seem more tangible. Even without obvious gimmick shots, you really feel like it’s worth spending the extra money to see these movies in 3D. This is the one area I’ve seen where Dreamworks has handily trumped Pixar every time, especially in How to Train Your Dragon and here in Megamind.

So, yes! Move over, Gru! There’s a new bald face of evil in town, his movie is surprisingly good, and there’s nothing you or your precious orphans can do to stop him! Muhahaha… Muhahahahahaha! MUHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—

Okay, I’m done now.

Rating: ★★★★☆ 

* – I’m sure Gru is a fine supervillain-turned-good-guy. He just doesn’t look like one in the ads. That’s all I’m saying.

** – Was it just me, or did any other Scott Pilgrim fans keep thinking “Roxie Richter” instead of “Roxanne Richie”?

In this edition of Outbreak Alert (where I analyze the newest meme going viral the web on a mission to become internet famous), I talk about something that is ready to explode through the internet like a diet pepsi full of mentos and this installment, we are talking about Conan O’ Brien. “Woah Brandon”, you may say, “hasn’t Conan been a viral sensation with a cult following for a long time?” and to you I say, you haven’t seen anything yet.

Conan O’Brien needs no introduction to those in the TNTML demographic. He is an inspiration to us pale tall Irish nerds since the mid-90′s and made a gigantic media splash when he was all but physically pushed from his dream job at The Tonight Show. What came next was a ground swell of internet support. The Conan crew had been active online with experiments such HornyManatee.com and posting behind the scenes videos on their blog, but had yet to totally embrace Social Media as a way to gain new viewers and not just talk to the ones they already had. When Conan’s supporters saw his job was threatened, the social web went bonkers.

Conan support pages like Team Coco (a nickname given to him on air by Tom Hanks) sprung up, he was in the trending topics on Twitter for weeks, yet he ratings failed to improve much except for his final shows.

When NBC’s contract said Conan could not appear on television in the months after leaving, he took to the web and began to test out the medium, joining Twitter and going on tour. During this time, Conan and his crew visited Twitter and Google to learn the ins and outs of the web. The whole time, his support grew in the social web and I don’t think its unfair to say that without his fans massive online support, he may not have winded up with the TBS show.

This time around, how Conan and his show are using the web is a case study in online marketing perfection. Leading up to the show’s launch, they set up a live video cam in their hallway doing bits for round the clock, gave away 1,000 t-shirts to the first people to reply on twitter daily, and posted youtube videos behind the scenes through every step of preproduction and answering viewer questions.

They also announced that full episodes will be posted on their website the day after they air. This is a key change to how the show views its viewers. TBS is owned by Ted Turner, the same man who owns CNN and Cartoon Network. CNN uses iReport to allow viewers to send in news video and information, while Cartoon Network owns the teen/20′s demographic with Adult Swim… Turner Broadcasting understands the web and that the young generations aren’t always tuning in to a live broadcast.

If you thought Conan was big before… look at the viral web right now and its plain to see that he is just getting started. The last few days, the web is returning to its previous Conan fanaticism. Even Yiying Lu, the creator of twitter’s Fail Whale, drew Conan into a Pale Whale. One of my favorite bits of the new Conan Wave has been Michelle Vargas’ Conan Intern Diaries:

Last night, it seemed like everyone in my Twitter and Facebook feeds were watching the first Conan show and based on the early ratings, Conan pulled higher ratings than any network late night network talk show, including The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

We are just getting started Team Coco, this is our chance to truly prove that television can’t play by the same rules anymore.

What really sealed the deal, though, was the talent involved. Spontaneous Combustion, I was told, starred Brad Dourif and was directed by Tobe Hooper. I didn’t recognize Dourif’s name offhand at the time, but in the Cinemassacre review, it was pointed out that he voiced Chucky in the Child’s Play series. I hadn’t ever seen those movies myself, but I knew about Chucky through cultural osmosis, and seeing any kind of famous voice talent doing on-camera work always gets me excited (if the 1998 Godzilla did anything cool, it was featuring Harry Shearer, Hank Azaria, and Nancy Cartwright on-screen in the same movie). And Tobe Hooper I knew for directing one of my all-time favourite PG-rated horror movies, Poltergeist. I had always meant to see more of his work, and was curious to know why he hadn’t done more I had heard of in recent years.

I’ll get into what I thought of the movie itself later (short version: WHAT). The more important result of watching it was a spike in interest in these two men and their work. Obsessions can be weird and out of the blue for me – spontaneous, you might even call them (ba-dum-tish). In any case, I want to feel like I’m getting something productive out of all this movie-watching I’ve been doing, so I’m taking you guys with me on this random little retrospective of mine. Who knows? Maybe you’ll be as interested as I am. Or maybe you’ll just look at me funny afterward. Either way, you might learn something.

(Note: All clips linked are presented under Fair Use for review purposes only. Some clips for Spontaneous Combustion, Child’s Play, and Wise Blood may contain profanity and/or violence.)

We’ll start with the actor here, Brad Dourif. I won’t get too much into his or Tobe Hooper’s life story or complete filmography in these articles. That’s what Wikipedia and IMDb are for. Long story short for the lazy: Dourif was an unknown working off-Broadway and at Woodstock, NY in the 1970′s when he was discovered by Miloš Forman and cast in a little movie you might have heard of – One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Playing the role of sweet, stuttering Billy Bibbit in that movie was a huge break for him, earning him a few awards (including a Golden Globe for Best Actor Debut) and an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor. He didn’t get to stick with sweet parts for long, though. If there’s one thing you start to notice about Brad Dourif as you see more of his movies, it’s that he’s got this intensity that makes him scarily good at being, well, scary.

Dourif stated in an interview some years back that one of the most important things about acting is bringing a strong inner life to a character. As it turns out, he’s so good at doing this that said inner life often just overflows out of him, making his characters come off as just a little bit kuh-raaazy. He can do this kind of intense, high-strung performance while remaining completely compelling and believable, though, which is a difficult feat for many. Unfortunately for him, being super-good at a particular kind of performance tends to mean only one thing in Hollywood: typecasting. Studios have found it convenient time and time again to cast Dourif in disturbed, psychopathic, and sometimes downright demonic roles. In the interests of paying the bills, he hasn’t been able to strive for variety at all times, either. Quotes from IMDb:

“Well, I’ve been cast as [edgy, twisted characters] . . . and I like to work, so I take those roles.”

“I’m a whore. If they have a check and camera and a script and stuff for me to say, I am mostly there, unless I just can’t take it. No, really, I do like to work. It just depends on whether there is a whole lot of stuff for me to choose from, because if there is I am choosy. If there’s not a lot of work, then I try to find some redeeming value in the parts being offered. If it is awful, then, of course, I can’t do it. But I have to say, I am pretty lucky in that there are usually things coming in. That said, sometimes it is slow.”

Well, at least the man’s honest. I’m guessing Critters 4 came along during a slow period, then.

Anyway, I should move on to the main event here. What all did I end up watching that featured this dude in it, and what did I think?

Spontaneous Combustion (1990)

All right, the kickoff for this whole exercise. I have actually seen this movie about three times now – twice all the way through plus enough reviews of key scenes to add up to a third. That isn’t because I think I’ve got a masterpiece on my hands, though. On the contrary: Spontaneous Combustion is actually pretty bad. Most of the acting is forgettable at best, and unintentionally hilarious at worst (“HE JUST CALLED ME, LEW, AND FIRE CAME OUT OF THE PHONE!”); some of the interior locations, like the “fancy café,” look like the best the crew could rent for about $5; and most of the special effects are either poor compositing jobs or obvious animatronics.

The worst thing here, though, has got to be the plot. Remember how I said this was about a man with SHC powers? Sounds simple enough, right? Well how about we add a little backstory to that premise so that we don’t just end up with a string of unconnected burning scenes? “Okay,” you say, “that sounds reasonable.” But! A man with SHC powers is kind of out there, right? So how about we make this backstory extra science-y to give it more credibility? “Um, okay. There have been sillier horror concepts with less justification that still worked, but that’s not unreasonable, I guess.” All right, and now, just for kicks, why don’t we make the science and motivations of everyone involved so ludicrously complicated and under-explained that moviegoers will just give up questioning things and accept anything we throw at them? “Hey, wait a min—” Too late! Movie’s made, let’s go!

This thing gives me a headache.

Yet, in spite of the things going against it, I’ve found myself fascinated by this movie. The premise is still interesting at core, complications aside; the strength of the idea was still enough to make me adapt it for the purposes of my game (hence the re-watches). The score by Graeme Revell sets an ominous mood right from the opening credits (which he described in an interview as “a version of the 1812 Overture only using flamethrowers, flack bursts and stuff like that”). There’s a genuinely funny cameo from director John Landis as a radio technician whose kneecaps explode in spectacular fashion.

And then there’s our boy Brad. Oh wow. This was the first time I paid attention to who he was in a film, making this a chance for a new first impression, as it were. That impression? He nailed it. He made his character likable from the get-go with some cheerful mangling of Shakespeare, followed by a fun, natural-sounding (if overly expository) conversation with Cynthia Bane in the next scene. I found it very easy to follow his character, Sam, as the plot began to heat up and build its labyrinthine conspiracy. Even after Sam starts to lose his grip on sanity and commits acts that approach the Moral Event Horizon, he’s still sympathetic; you really don’t want anything bad to happen to him, even though there’s only one direction things can go for him. (That being up. In flames.)

I’ll get more into the details of where this movie fails and succeeds in Part 2 of this article. The important bit here is that Dourif almost single-handedly saves it from the scrap heap. Sure, there are some parts where he really hams it up Shatner style (“Two. People. Died. Two people. I know. Burned to death.”), but I would blame that more on sloppy editors choosing bad takes when that happens (again, more on that later). If you end up seeing this movie for any reason, see it for him.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

I had already seen Cuckoo’s Nest a few times before this, but that is no reason to turn down an opportunity to watch it again. It really is deserving of its spot on all lists of great movies, including IMBb’s Top 250, where it currently sits at #9. There are plenty of classic movies that I just can’t watch more than once. Maybe I’m a product of flashy cartoons and superhero movies, but I can think of several classic movies where I can objectively acknowledge their quality while not personally being that interested in them (e.g.: Lawrence of Arabia, The Godfather, even Citizen Kane; am I a terrible person yet?). Not so with Cuckoo’s Nest. The first time I saw it, I wanted to see it again as soon as possible. It was just too compelling, too well-acted and cast, too touching to leave it at just one viewing. For me, an unrepentant film re-watcher, that is a huge mark of quality right there.

You don’t need me to tell you to watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (though, you totally should if you haven’t). What you do need me to tell you is that Brad Dourif had an amazing debut here. It’s easy to see why Billy Bibbit was the role that earned him all those award nods. He plays the mentally challenged part well without going “full retard,” as Tropic Thunder so eloquently put it. That could be said of most of the cast here, but Dourif I think would stand out on the “d’awwww” factor alone even without that. You just can’t help but care about this poor, stutter-filled momma’s boy. And I won’t spoil his fate in the movie, but trust me: it’s going to make you want to stab Nurse Ratched in the face with a soldering iron.

If you need one more clinching piece of evidence that this is a great film and Dourif is great in it, check out this clip from Spaced. Forget awards and scholarly analysis: if your movie/performance gets parodied by Edgar Wright, that’s when you really know you’ve made it.

The Exorcist III (1990)

I didn’t watch Exorcist II: The Heretic, but I’m told you don’t need to in order to see this threequel. If one of Cinemassacre’s other reviews is any indicator, I think I’m better off leaving that one be, anyway. The third instalment in the series is based on William Peter Blatty’s follow-up to the original Exorcist novel, entitled Legion (not to be confused with certain terrible Paul Bettany movies). In fact, this movie was just going to be called Legion. Hollywood execs, however, figured it would sell better under the big “E” title. …Despite the fact that Exorcist II was a disaster. And would probably dissuade people from seeing a third movie. And that’s totally what happened. Who’s in charge here again?

Don’t let the box office numbers or the “III” in the title fool you, though. Exorcist III is a surprisingly effective movie, and doesn’t feel like a cash-in at all. It’s not as good as the original, of course, but it’s serious, it’s ponderous, it’s grisly, and it’s chilling. The only big criticism I have is that the “author-as-director” thing can really be felt sometimes; it often seems more like a stage play or a dramatic reading than a film, especially in dialogue scenes (which you could call “legion,” for they are many).

Dourif’s part in this one is that of a deceased serial murderer known as the Gemini Killer. Satan was feeling a tad put out following the events of The Exorcist, so in a cosmic “screw you” move, he slipped the soul of the Gemini inside (spoiler!) the dying body of Damien Karras. It takes the Gemini fifteen years to regenerate Karras’s brain cells, but now that he’s done it, he’s in the mood for a good old-fashioned killing spree. He’s all too happy to talk about it with our new-old protagonist, Lt. Kinderman (played by George C. Scott), too. At first we see the killer in the guise of Karras himself, played by Jason Miller from the original film. As he becomes more adamant about convincing Kinderman that he is the Gemini, however, we see him as he looked in life, played by Dourif. It’s an interesting way to get the possession across to the audience; we see Karras either when Karras’s soul is closer to the surface or when Kinderman wants to believe it’s him, and we see the Gemini when there’s nothing of Karras there at all. It’s unclear what Kinderman is really seeing, too, which makes the blurring of reality more effective.

This is the scariest performance I’ve seen out of Dourif so far. Even if his voice hadn’t been distorted, it would still be disturbing, and there’s a part of his performance where the voice distortion lifts briefly to prove that. Some have said that he had to have been possessed for real in order to sound this convincingly evil, though how serious they were being, I’m not sure. I wouldn’t put it on quite that level, but you can judge for yourself in this clip of Dourif’s first appearance in the film. Warning: contains graphic descriptions of violence, creepy singing, and an unsettling amount of leaning back and forth.

Child’s Play Series (1988-2004)

“DON’T **** WITH THE CHUCK.”

Chucky the Killer Good Guy Doll (™) is probably the Dourif role most people are going to be familiar with already, so I won’t spend too much time explaining the plot of Child’s Play and its string of sequels. If you’re unfamiliar with the series, here’s the gist of a typical instalment: Hollywood Voodoo, Creepy Doll/Perverse Puppet, Cassandra Truth, Grand Theft Me, High Octane Nightmare Fuel. The last two sequels, Bride of Chucky and Seed of Chucky, are self-parodies rather than typical instalments, but that’s besides the point.

For most of my life, I was under the impression that I would never see a Chucky movie. That’s not because I thought he would be scary, but because I was shallow. I thought the design of Chucky was butt-ugly and not the least bit cool or scary. Freddy Krueger had awesome finger knives; Michael Myers had that spooky mask; Jason Voorhees… well I’ve yet to warm up to Jason either, to be honest. I’m not really a hockey fan. But yeah, what did Chucky have? A big stupid head, a stubby little body, and fugly orange hair. Ughh. WhatEVER. So last millennium. </valley girl>

I’m glad I finally did see a few of these films, though. Are they revelatory? No. Are they predictable? To a tee. Are they scary? Spottily. The climaxes of the first two movies are actually pretty tense, and there’s a bit of Eye Scream in the second movie that made me have to cover my face and peek through my fingers like a little girl. You know what, though? It happened: I gave in to the twisted charm of the Chuck. He’s still butt-ugly, but I found the animatronics work in these movies way more impressive than expected. All the little articulations and movements the doll is capable of give the guy a heck of a lot of character.

And that’s to say nothing of the voice performance; the Chucky doll needs a soul to live, and that soul is in Brad Dourif’s vocal chords. It’s not always a perfect performance, mind you. In most of the first movie, Chucky’s voice isn’t that distinct from Dourif’s natural speaking voice (makes some sense, though, considering Dourif also plays human Chucky in the opening of that movie). By Seed, he sounds more like a chain-smoking cartoon character than a serial killer. There’s a happy medium in the second and third movies, though, and that sound is just perfect for the character. By the time Dourif hits that stride, it’s hard to imagine anyone else in the role. A natural-sounding, darkly humorous Chucky works a lot better than the played-up version of recent years, so if that remake of Child’s Play ever gets made, I hope his voice is dialled back a bit from what it’s become.

Wise Blood (1979)

When you start looking into an actor in-depth, one question that’s bound to come up is “What’s the best performance they’ve ever done?” We already know that Dourif had a great debut in Cuckoo’s Nest, but did he ever top that? I looked around a bit, and a few sources cited John Huston’s Wise Blood as his best performance. All right, then let’s see Wise Blood, I thought. …Wow, it figures that the last movie I picked would be the hardest to talk about. So Wise Blood is a black comedy. I think? It’s a harsh critique of religion. Annnnd also about the perils of believing in nothing? The acting is great on all parts, if a bit theatrical. So why does it feel like I’ve missed a bunch of dialogue when I haven’t?

Dourif plays Hazel Motes, a young man recently returned from war (possibly the Korean War, though we’re never told). He finds his family homestead in shambles and so packs up and heads to the city of Taulkinham to do things he’s never done before. In town, he buys a new suit and hat, and to his chagrin, several people tell him he looks like a preacher. Hazel hates preachers something fierce (see: disturbing childhood flashbacks), and this comes to a head when he comes across a blind preacher and his fifteen-year-old daughter. In a fit of frustration, Hazel starts spouting off to people about forming his own church, the Church of Christ Without Christ, and we go from there. A gorilla suit is involved at one point. Not even kidding.

I am honestly not sure whether I liked this or not. It seems like the sort of thing that should have amazed me. The story revolves around very heavy themes, the characters serve well-thought-out purposes, the portrait painted of the mid-twentieth-century Deep South is harsh and thought-provoking, the use of symbolism is masterful, and there’s a lot of allegory going on. It would be a quintessential high school English class movie if not for the inclusion of prostitution and sex with a minor. Feels like it has some very significant things to say, and can be analyzed on several different levels.

Still, I found myself frustrated a lot while watching this. The dialogue often seems like a series of non-sequiters, and because I didn’t grow up in that time period in the Deep South, I can’t tell if I just don’t get it or if it’s badly written/directed. Also, the music is awful. Many times throughout, the film uses “derp-da-derp hurr hurr silly hicks!” music when it seems to have no business being there. The weird part is that I think that disconnect was intentional. Still really bugged me, either way. Lastly, this is yet another story that portrays non-believers not as non-believers, but as people who are angry at God (or Jesus in this case). To be fair, that’s not a fault of this specific movie since I don’t think it was trying to be about atheism so much as hypocrisy, but it’s still a trope that grinds my gears.

Anyway, Dourif. Is this his best performance? It’s certainly a complex one, requiring him to alternate between low-key and high and to communicate much through facial expressions and body language alone. He gets across how deeply haunted Hazel Motes is by Christ, and it’s often very striking and disturbing. Definitely a different kind of disturbing from Dourif’s horror roles, too. It’s the kind of disturbing that makes you question the human race, not just body horror or supernatural scares. Still, that dialogue… Sometimes I just really had problems with it. For that reason, I think I’d tie Hazel with Billy Bibbit. Hazel is a stronger, more demanding performance marred by bizarre directing choices, while Billy is slightly less complex but in a better movie. If there’s a better performance of than either of these that I’ve haven’t seen yet, someone let me know.

Recent Work

This article’s already pretty dang long, so I’ll keep this super short. Brad Dourif is a whole lot less well-known than he ought to be. The biggest role he’s had other than Chucky in the past decade has been Grima Wormtongue in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, and that was almost eight years ago now. The most recent mainstream Hollywood movies I can find with him in them are the Rob Zombie Halloween remakes, in which he played Sheriff Lee Brackett alongside fellow “where has my career gone?” refugee Malcolm McDowell. Some of his best work nowadays, it seems, is in television rather than movies. Hardcore nerds may know him as Lon Suder from a few episodes of Star Trek: Voyager; this year he guested on an episode of Law & Order: SVU as Dr. Iggy Drexel; and the biggest so far was the recurring role of Doc Cochran on HBO’s Deadwood. I haven’t seen the show yet, but a friend showed me a clip of the character, and seeing that made me feel like tearing up even without knowing its context, good god. More of that, please.

So what did I get out of all of this? Predictably, that I think Brad Dourif is a cool guy and a great actor. His quality hasn’t gone off at all since his start from what I can see (save for the direction Chucky has gone in, but that’s just my opinion). He deserves a lot more visible and varied work. Go Brad. You the man.

Can’t really say the same for the quality of my next subject, Tobe Hooper. But that’s for Part 2 of this retrospective. Look for it within the next week or two – same Pirate Time, same Pirate Channel.

Rubicon is AMC’s antithetical answer to 24′s extreme, over-the-top terrorism-based thriller.  The show’s first season unfolds like an four course meal.  It artfully constructs its story over thirteen episodes and closes in a challenging and bold way, leaving viewers eager to see where it could go next.

Now you may read that and think that I didn’t like 24, but that’s not at all true.  I did enjoy the first few seasons of the show before its repetitive nature and need to push Jack Bauer to even more ridiculous courses of action turned the enjoyment once derived to a general apathy.  When I was recommended to check out AMC’s series Rubicon, I didn’t know what I was getting into, but what I was getting into was something unique, and truly excellent.

Focusing around a group of intelligence analysts working for the fictional American Policy Instistute, the show follows two main plots:  the analysts as a group tracking a notorious terrorist, and the central character, Will Travers unraveling a conspiracy that has jarring international implications.

The show is admittedly slow-moving, which I think is ultimately to its credit.  Violent moments are sparse at best, used as effective punctuation to the inter-weaving stories.  Character-based subplots are frequent, but never drag down the show’s story, they are used to give depth to a cast of believable people, not fill time and draw out the central plot.

With a plot that doesn’t rely on action sequences, Rubicon is carried by stellar acting, through and through.  The protagonists, are Will, played by James Badge Dale (24, The Pacific) is an emotionally-distant intellectual, not a generically-brooding action hero.  His story ist paralleled by that of the newly widowed Katherine Rhumor (Miranda Richardson) whose late-husband’s involvement in the central conspiracy of the show has left her with a dangerous mystery to unravel.  Will’s boss, Truxton Spengler (Michael Ivan Cristofer) is twitchy, intimidating and disarming at times.  His  opposite is Kale Ingram, played with an ice-cold intensity by Arliss Howard (Full Metal Jacket, The Time Traveller’s Wife), is a former black-ops operative who sticks out like as sore thumb in an office building full of analysts.  Will’s team is rounded out by Grant Test, Tanya MacGaffin and the nerdy but–not stereotypically so–Miles Fiedler (played respectively by Christopher Evan Welch, Lauren Hodges and Dallas Roberts), a pack of bookish analysts whose interactions while tracking an enigmatic terrorist carry much of the show in lieu of generic action-TV fare.

Rubicon is challenging, but ultimately very much worth it.  Clear-cut heroes and villains do not populate this show; the shades of gray of the world are the shadows of the choices made by the characters that live there.  Episodes do not end with intense, bullet-ridden conflict.  Rubicon takes its sweet time, and rewards the viewer’s patience with some of the best acting, writing and directing on television–something AMC manages to do with every new show it produces.  It may not grab you after a single episode, but after three or four, Rubicon will have your undivided attention.

Rating: ★★★★☆ 

A Few Descriptive Words: A measured, intelligent and rewarding conspiracy-heavy thriller.

It’s amazing how much advertising there is for insurance. Progressive’s cute but annoying “Flo,” the googley eyes money, the cavemen, the duck, the scary, intimidating All State man, and so on. Everywhere you go – insurance, IN YO FACE.

But State Farm – who knew? I started digging on State Farm when they did those two young, fun commercials. You remember, the guys in the apartment and the “AND CAN I GET A HOT TUB?!” Or the girls in the parking lot with the dented up car and hot, sensitive badass. While I’m a Geico girl myself, but I felt their advertising campaign was getting interesting. Appealing to a 20 something demographic? Smart move. Comedic? Awesome. Catchy jingle? You betcha.

And then they hired this resident douchebag.

Dude, what is your deal? You seem like that asshole who spills your beer and steps on my feet at concerts. Who butts in front of me at the bar and tries to pick a fight at parties over dumb stuff. Who chants E-A-G-L-E-S at every freaking sporting event. That JERK in class who has a story for everything. Who are you trying to talk to? Are you supposed to be hot? Are you a ghost? You’re always eating and walking alone. Are you Asian? Are you the ugly cousin of Keanu Reeves? I feel bullied by your smart ass comments and creepy looks. Don’t be an ass, or talk down to me. “40 million? YEAAAAHHHH that’s more than Progressive and Geico combined.” Don’t throw out BS numbers, or act like I should already know this crap. “Hahahah like baseball, Americans love us” GTFO. DON’T try to be my buddy. You’ve got “CREEPY CAKES” written AAALLLLLL over you.

The man sitting down? He’s obviously annoyed, too.

He’s got a face on, similar to the resident black guy in the Aflac duck commercials…coincidence? I think not.

Then, State Farm tried to partner him up with an attractive professional lady like “Carrie” here, who he interrupts and stands beside…lookin’ like a dumb ass.

Easily the best part of this commercial are the YouTube Comments…

DrBiggieBalls : his fake ass Dean Kane sucks. All State is killing it with there commericals lol

Dr. Balls raises a good point. He does look like Superman.

But after reading pages of comments, this guy sums up what everyone was thinking….

FungusMaster : Carrie is hot. Build your commercials around her in a bikini. Making out with me. Then I’ll buy your insurance. Until then, no deal. Also that guy is annoying.

There’s even a “I Hate The State Farm Guy” facebook page.  Now, I don’t know this guy. I DO know his name is Eddie Matos, and even that’s too much info. Maybe he’s awesome. Maybe he’s a classically trained actor, who is really nice and donates to charities or something. But he comes off as smug, and he gives me the heebie jeebies. So screw him.

Even though I am sure most people have seen Hocus Pocus, it doesn’t hurt to have a refresher. Released in 1993 by Disney, Hocus Pocus was directed by Kenny Ortega, who also directed Newsies and the High School Musicals (Disney must really like this guy).

The movie opens in Salem, Massachusetts, where three witches, Winifred (Bette Midler), Sarah (Sarah Jessica Parker), and Mary (the fat nun from Sister Act) enacting a spell to suck the life out of a young girl. In the process, they are interrupted by the brother of the girl and things go wrong. Winifred only gains some youth, Mary becomes young, but is still the fat nun from Sister Act, and Sarah becomes a young woman, but has some interesting side effects. Upon seeing herself, Sarah states “boys are going to love me” and starts rubbing her body. After Sarah asks to “play” with the brother of the girl they just killed, the witches turn him into an immortal cat. On cue, the villagers show up, take the witches away, and hang them.

Now, there are several things to address in just the opening scene of this movie, but since it is Disney produced, these themes will be repeated. I have found the following is true of all Disney movies:

1. Big-name stars and forced celebrity cameos.
2. Dance numbers break out naturally.
3. In a world with no sex (although strange things sneak in), but any violence is absolutely fine.

The third rule is repeatedly broken by Sarah Jessica Parker. I vividly remember having a crush on her in this movie when I was a child and watching it now its not surprising. Not only does it seem like she never takes her hands off her body, but she talks in an extremely breathy voice, and her breasts are nearly popping out of her colonial style bodice. This character would have been more suited for high production adult films and not a Disney movie.

Next we are introduced to new kid at school Max, but he isn’t the normal new kid at school… he’s from California. Now, if you didn’t catch that he was from California from his shaggy hair, tie-dye shirt, acid-washed jeans, and “tude”, don’t worry, because the writers were sure to make have characters call him “California” at every opportunity. That is, until they find out something else about him.

While taking his sister Dani Trick or Treating, they walk into a house that doesn’t answer the door (who does that?!?) and find Max’s crush, Allison, whose family is having a Halloween so elaborate it could only be in a movie where people spend upwards of $7000 on their Halloween costumes. Conveniently Allison’s mom used to run the museum at the witch’s house and the three of them head off to break in, as it wouldn’t be a horror movie without some trespassing.

At the witch’s house, Allison tells Max that if this one candle is lit by a virgin on Halloween with a full moon, it will bring the dead back to life. So Max lights the candle. Here is where the movie goes all wrong. Max must have no been ignorant to his virgin status and was trying to impress Allison, so he lights the candle? What was he thinking!?! So guess who comes back from the dead? Good thing that immortal magic cat was waiting for 300 years to save them. From here on in “Max from California” becomes “the virgin” and every one makes fun of him for it about every five minutes. The witches, the cat, the cops, Allison, even his nine year old sister… which is just odd.

The kids run away and immortal magic cat, who we find out is named Binx and talk and acts as exposition in feline form giving the audience all they need to know in 3 minutes. Funny enough, Binx the Magical Immortal Exposition Cat is so effective that on this re-watch, we learned that even though my friend who I was watching Hocus Pocus with had seen it several times, she had never watched the first half hour of the movie, yet understood it as a child enough that she had always counted among her favorite movies. Thanks Binx.

Now to make the long story short, the witches need to find more children to make them younger (and I assume Sarah sluttier), as those meddlesome kids and their cat try to stop them. Of course, the adults don’t listen to the children as they repeatedly warn them, a common theme in kid’s horror movies, because as Will Smith once said “Parents just don’t understand” (on a side note, I wonder if he understands his daughter whipping her hair back and forth).

As the witches have been dead for 300 years, there is of course the required scenes with them being confused by what a road, car, tv, etc is. This device is soon forgotten and in no time they are cracking jokes like “pull this car over” and singing rock songs.

Through the whole night, Max (the virgin) and Allison grow closer as expected. All it ever takes is for the nerdy guy and the hot girl, yet smart girl to get stuck saving the world for them to fall in love. If only it were that easy! In one very weird Disney moment, after they think they have killed the witches in a pottery kiln and head back home. Binx and Max’s sister Dani are sleeping together in Max’s bed. The fact that the cat is actually a 300 year old man and is sleeping with a nine year old is never raised. In fact, the Dani/Binx relationship has a strange creepy overtone to it that is only trumped by the constant virgin references.

Meanwhile, Max and Allison fall asleep in each-other’s arms, but they are both completely wrapped in separate blankets. Thanks for protecting our children’s minds Disney. Its not like parents didn’t have to explain to them what a Virgin was and why they felt so funny about Sarah Jessica Parker!

So the witches come back and steal Dani and Max. They need more children, so Sarah takes off on her broom and starts singing and guiding the town’s children to her sisters. I am not exactly sure how Sarah Jessica Parker was directed, but in this scene her character seems to be enjoying this act so much that she starts riving on the broom stick and lets just say, having a VERY good time at it. It is not surprising that the one scene I remembered from my childhood before re-watching was this very one.

In one of the strangest moments in the whole movie, the zombie that the witches raise that has been chasing the children the entire movie gets a hold of scissors and cuts the stitches on his mouth. All of a sudden, he can talk and hates the witches openly, siding with the children he has been trying to kill all night. What? With his help the kids are able to escape to the scared cemetery and delay the witches until the sun comes up and they explode into glitter.

In a surprisingly dark moment, Binx the Immortal Magical Exposition Cat dies on his sister’s grave. Don’t worry, if the sight of a dead cat is too much for your children, as he is soon back in human spirit form to say goodbye and thank everyone. Dani quickly forgets the dead cat and becomes even more emotional, completely cementing that there is a weird vibe to that relationship. Binx joins his sister, but as he walks away into the light of the great beyond is able to get in one more stab at Max’s virginity.

Even with all these faults, Hocus Pocus is still a fun nostalgic watch. In fact, Bette Midler regards this as her favorite movie she was ever in. If the parents are ready to explain to their children in detail what virginity is (I was raised Catholic, so I never had any questions about that one), I can even recommend it to families with children, as the special effects and story still hold up really well. If there is one thing Disney seems to understand its timelessness and it doesn’t surprise me that it is a staple of ABC Family in October.

Eagerly awaiting the Great Pumpkin

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
Who doesn’t love the Peanuts gang?  This 1966 animated classic is always associated with Halloween as Linus spends the night in a pumpkin patch waiting for the appearance of the mysterious Great Pumpkin. Charlie Brown and the rest of the gang go trick-or-treating while Sally waits it out with Linus, hoping to catch a glimpse of the legend Linus claims is real. The subplot includes Snoopy dressing up as infamous World War II flying ace the Red Baron, trying to avoid being gunned down during flight (kind of a trippy/violent fantasy for a cartoon dog to have, but whatever).  Not my number one favorite of the Peanuts holiday specials (nothing can top A Charlie Brown Christmas for me), but definitely a must-see every Halloween season.

Garfield in Disguise (sometimes referred to as Garfield’s Halloween Adventure)
I have friends who will argue with me that this 1985 Garfield special is, in fact, scary, but it never scared me at any age.  Dressed as a pirate, Garfield takes Odie out trick-or-treating and they wind up at a haunted house for an adventure all their own.  Sure, the old dude they meet at the haunted house is kind of creepy, but he’s a cartoon, so I can deal with him.  The main thing that I take away from this viewing each year: the “What Should I Be?” song being stuck in my head for the next two weeks.

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad
This 1949 Disney animated classic provides two animated films on one DVD: “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” and “The Wind in the Willows.” “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” is obviously best for Halloween as it’s based on on Washinton Irving’s “The Headless Horseman” where schoolteacher Ichabod Crane rides home through Sleepy Hollow late at night and finds himself confronted by the Headless Horseman.  Again, a cartoon Headless Horseman was always much easier for me to deal with than any kind of live-action representation!

See? Chucklewood Critters exist, I swear

Which Witch is Which
OK, I feel like no one is familiar with this special from 1984 besides me; it makes me wonder exactly what channel my mother recorded it off of all those years ago. It stars Rusty and Buttons, a fox and bear cub (who can also be seen in other Chucklewood Forest holiday specials that I also used to have on taped-off-television VHS tapes as a kid), out to attend the Halloween party the park ranger is throwing in Chucklewood Forest. However, they run into a few obstacles; turns out the party is just for humans and Rusty and Buttons aren’t allowed in.  They soon discover that there are two robbers loose in the park that need to be stopped, and wind up becoming heroes. If you YouTube “Chucklewood Critters – Which Witch Is Witch” you can watch this special in 3 segments.

Sup, Judd Hirsch?

The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t
Oh. Man. This one is, without a doubt, my absolute favorite thing to watch around Halloween.  In 1979, Dracula (played by Judd Hirsch) calls his “mild-mannered monsters” (Wolfman, Igor, Winnie the Witch, Mummy and Zabaar the Zombie) together and delivers an ultimatum: they either regain their frightening images, or leave his Transylvania castle forever – for without them, Halloween will cease to exist.  If you love horribly cheesy 80′s anything, I’m pretty certain you’ll like this special – it is, without a doubt, one of the most randomly amazing things you’ll ever watch.  If you YouTube “The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t” you can watch this special in 4 segments…I do it every year without fail.

*insert dreamy teenage girl sigh*

Casper
This movie starred Christina Ricci as the daughter of a paranormal expert (played by Bill Pullman, an actor I consistently forget exists at all) who was sent to live in an abandoned house populated by three mischievous ghosts (Stretch, Fatso and Stinkie) and one friendly one (Casper). Many pre-teen girls (or girls who were pre-teens in 1995 when this movie was released) will wait for the last 10 minutes of the movie, when Casper turns into a real boy and the forgotten teen actor, Devon Sawa, can be seen. Hey, Devon Sawa, where are you now?

This is Halloween

The Nightmare Before Christmas
Looooove this one.  Bored and unhappy in Halloween Town, Pumpkin King Jack Skellington sets out to find something exciting. He discovers Christmas Town and takes it upon himself to take over as Santa Claus and deliver toys to children across the world. This one’s so versatile because it works for both Halloween and Christmas, so you get to watch it twice within a two month time period.  Originally released in 1993, this film was re-released in Disney 3-D in 2007 (totally saw it, totally loved it) and is still a crowd pleaser. Side note: “What’s This?” is an awesome song, as is Fall Out Boy’s cover of it.

Corpse Bride
Not as good as Nightmare Before Christmas (but then, what is?), this Tim Burton animated movie is still very good in its own right.  Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter (ever the creepy pair in Tim Burton movies) lend their voices to tell the story of shy groom Vincent who practices his wedding vows in the inadvertent presence of a deceased young bride; and she rises from the grave assuming they are legitimately married.

Monster House
Three kids learn that their neighbor’s house is really a living, breathing monster, and have a cute little adventure learning about it.  Listen for Kevin James lending his voice to the hilarious, scene-stealing Officer Landers; I’m probably bias because I love Kevin James like whoa, but his character really is pretty amusing.

Gromit + bunnies = <3

Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit
This little British man and dog claymation team are too cute for me to handle.  Wallace and his dog, Gromit, set out to discover the mystery behind the huge “beast” who attacks the town’s vegetable gardens at nightfall. If you don’t fall in love with the claymation rabbits in this movie, it’s possible you don’t have a soul.

Have any other non-scary Halloween specials/movies in mind? Comment below!

Ah, Full House. Not since The Brady Bunch has such a large family all lived under the same roof.  Anyone alive between 1987 and 1995 remembers widowed Danny Tanner (played by the highly inappropriate Bog Saget…go see him do stand-up sometime, you’ll see what I mean) who enlists the help of his brother-in-law Jesse Katsopolis (played by the still-hot today John Stamos) and his best friend Joey Gladstone (played by Dave Coulier, aka the inspiration to basically all of the angry songs on Alanis Morisette’s Jagged Little Pill album) to help him raise his three girls DJ (Candace Cameron, aka The One Normal Child Star to Emerge From This Show), Stephanie (Jodie Sweetin, aka The Meth Addict) and Michelle (played by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, aka The Richest Twin Franchise Ever). Jesse marries Rebecca Donaldson (played by Lori Laughlin, aka The One Consistently Hot Female on This Show) and she for some unknown reason agrees to move into the attic with Jesse and start a family with him up there, and their twin boys Nicky and Alex (played by Blake Tuomy-Wilhoit  and Dylan Tuomy-Wilhot, aka The Forgotten Child Stars Who Never Did Anything Ever Again and Never Capitalized on Their Twin-ness Like The Olsen Twins Did) become full time members of the house by Season 5. Other recurring familiar faces include next door neighbor Kimmy Gibbler and DJ’s steady boyfriend Steve Hale (yeah, who knew he had a last name? I admit, I totally had to IMDB that). With so many people living in one house, hi-jinx are of course going to ensue – and, because it’s a sitcom, majority of them are going to be outrageous.

A point I’d like to re-iterate before I begin my review: Joey is Danny’s BEST FRIEND. Everyone on the show calls him Joey, including the girls.  So if you’re one of those misinformed fans who refer to him as Uncle Joey; Cut It Out (oh come on, I had to).

Season 3 Episode 1: Tanner’s Island

Tanners’ vacation to Hawaii!  Danny’s OCD truly shines through via his Clipboard of Fun that everyone judges (best moment is when Jesse flings it into the ocean while wearing his totally 90′s style hot yellow bathing suit), Joey hallucinates a hot hula girl everywhere they go (legit, how is he not on meds?), and Jesse endearingly makes them all

Uncle Jesse is too cool for Hawaiian gear, obvi.

check out where Elvis filmed Blue Hawaii and Paradise Hawaiian style (hey, I’d be into it, yet everyone else seemed annoyed at it during this episode). Danny forgets to tie their boat Gilligan’s Island style and they all wind up stranded on an island.  Stephanie seems to think that some island people called the menihuni  are going to save them, and somehow she turns out to be correct….and the Tanners all follow them to the luau they were trying to get to in the first place. And, of course, the entire Tanner clan winds up a part of the show, because that’s always how things work out in life, and Jesse even gets a solo!  Also, doesn’t anyone notice that they all change their clothes halfway through their time being stranded? How’d those extra clothes get on the island??

Season 3 Episode 20: Honey I Broke the House

I originally wasn’t going to choose two episodes out of the same season, but this one is a Full House classic that even a good majority of non-Full House aficionados remember – Stephanie drives Joey’s car into the kitchen.  Stephanie’s basically being annoying throughout the duration of the episode, trying to get everyone in the house to pay attention to her (a common theme among the early Full House seasons) by telling a long-winded story about eye crispies (yeah…what?), and everyone ignores her.  She decides to play in Joey’s brand new car, turns it on, decides that R must mean “radio” and not “reverse”, and winds up backing the car into the kitchen.  I am pretty sure there are still other people in the house (for certain DJ and Kimmy, who are upstairs) and somehow they all don’t come running into the

Pre-meth addiction

kitchen at the extremely loud noise this must have made.  Jesse comes in the back door and somehow manages to totally miss all the damage to the back of the house until he’s fully inside.  Is everyone in this family slow? Anyway, Stephanie decides to run away and stops by Becky’s apartment (which, by the way, is totally sweet, and she should have NEVER given it up to live in the attic in later seasons) to say goodbye, and she winds up hiding in the closet when Jesse stops by to visit. Stephanie is apparently very acrobatic for her age, as she is somehow able to stuff herself into a coat that is hanging on a hanger on the back of the closet door with absolutely no adult assistance…does she have magical powers? There’s NO possible way she could have done this herself. Jesse of course finds her there and brings her back home, Stephanie gets overly dramatic (Jodie Sweetin is a perfect example of child overacting), and everything gets worked out because this is a family friendly sitcom – and the kitchen is fixed in time for the next episode.

Season 4 Episodes 18 and 19: The Wedding Part I and II

Do your thing, fast learning Hallelujah Choir!

Jesse and Becky are finally getting married (and yes, I’m counting this two-parter as one episode). However…Becky’s dad freaks Jesse out a little bit, and he decides he needs to have one last adventure as a single man – and that adventure apparently needs to be skydiving. Jesse claims he took all the necessary lessons, but never actually went (which is in direct contradiction with Season 1 Episode 6 [titled Daddy's Home] in which he tells of a girl he met while he was skydiving….come on Full House writers, where were you on that?).  So, he enlists Joey to take him (because apparently Joey is qualified to pilot a plane?) and winds up getting his parachute stuck in a tree on his landing. What’s amazing is that Joey shows up at the church after Jesse jumps out, just as curious as everyone else regarding his whereabouts; what kind of friend is he to not even make sure Jesse landed safely??  A guy driving a tomato truck (played by Glenn Morshower, who can now be seen on the respectable TV show “24”) notices Jesse stuck up in the tree and stops to try to help him down – but then Jesse thinks to pull the rip-cord and winds up landing amongst the tomatoes. Crazy Tomato Guy made a big stink that his tomatoes were potentially ruined, Jesse tried to steal his tomato truck to make it to the church on time and there just so conveniently happened to be a cop (played by Kin Shriner, who had worked with John Stamos previously on “General Hospital” – how’s that for a fun fact!)  nearby to deal with this whole situation by throwing Jesse in jail.  He uses his one phone call to, of course, call Becky, who has to borrow her dad’s car and bail him out.  They share a typical sitcom music-swelling tender moment that reassures Jesse that marriage will be fine (and, frankly, Becky is a lot less upset/pissed than I’d be), and then discover that Becky’s dad’s car was towed from in front of the courthouse and they have no way to get back to the church. Enter….the Hallelujah Choir bus. That’s right…a gospel group known as the Hallelujah Choir happens to be driving by the court house at this exact minute, and they allow Jesse and Becky to flag them down and hijack their bus back to the church.  Then, the Hallelujah Choir abandons whatever their plans were (one can only assume they had plans, seeing as they were all traveling together on a bus, likely on the way to some event) to attend the wedding and sing backup for Jesse while he sings “Forever” to Becky during their wedding vows.  How’d they learn all the words that quickly and accurately?? The reception (which the Hallelujah Choir also attends; they must have really not been very invested in whatever event they were presumably traveling to!) winds up being back at the house since they lost the hall due to everything being so late, and, of course, the first dance is to an Elvis song (like Jesse would have it any other way). Biggest question on my mind: what is the time frame of this entire wedding day? Jesse mentions early on in Part I that the wedding itself was taking place at 10am…so are we to assume he went skydiving at 5am? If so, the sun was absolutely not at the appropriate spot in the sky in the very-obviously-taken-from-someplace-else shots of the plane in the air/”Jesse” (read: some stunt actor who is clearly not John Stamos) parachuting over land formations that I am pretty certain is not in San Francisco anywhere.

Season 6 Episodes 23 and 24: The House Meets the Mouse Parts I and II

The Tanners vacation to Disney World! Yes, another two-part episode I’m counting as one…it’s only fair, seeing as viewing only one part of these episodes leaves the story incomplete.  Somehow it all works out perfectly that the ENTIRE cast of characters, including Kimmy Gibbler (because all large families of 9 allow the neighbor kid to tag along), can vacation together down to Disney World the same week – and stay at the Grand Floridian. Overall, that tiny house in San Fran they’re all crammed into is not that impressive (I mean, Jesse, Becky, and the twins are living in the converted attic as they are apparently in favor of family togetherness more than personal space), yet they somehow all have the money to stay at Disney’s most luxuriously expensive resort…suuuure.  Joey gets a special one-on-one tour of the animation studios thanks to some guy he knows, and plops himself down and starts animating at one of the artist’s stations – an action I’m pretty sure would get you tossed out, even if you do have a connection who hooked you up with the tour in the first place. Danny keeps trying to ask Vicky (remember her?) to marry him, but gets interrupted in lame ways (like by a German oompa-band….just tell them to buzz off already!). Jesse is down in Disney with his band and Becky gets annoyed he is too busy to celebrate their anniversary; she winds up giving their picnic lunch to Chip and Dale, two characters who were somehow unattended at the lone dock she was waiting for Jesse on.  Disney characters are never unattended/not swarmed by millions of kids, and I’d frankly be super creeped out if two of them found me on a lone dock and harassed me for my abandoned picnic lunch.  But, Jesse plays the grand piano back at the Grand Floridian (and somehow doesn’t get in trouble) and sings Becky a song to win her affections back after he totally blew off their anniversary plans.  Meanwhile, Michelle cuts in front of Stephanie at the random “rub the lamp and make the genie appear” display (looks like part of an Aladdin parade float maybe?) in the middle of Magic Kingdom’s Main Street and winds up being crowned Princess for the day. Stephanie (who, honestly, seems a little too old at this point to be caring that she lost) mopes around for the rest of the day and complains about how bossy Michelle is being to DJ and Kimmy; Michelle then overhears and runs away. Somehow, the Disney employees (or maybe it’s the Tanners themselves….who knows!) manage to make, reproduce, and hang about a zillion Lost Child posters with Michelle’s picture on them, and Snow White is easily able to locate Michelle (who, I think, winds up in Epcot, despite initially running away in Magic Kingdom…what a smart 7-year old she is to be able to figure out the Disney transport system to get her from park to park! Clearly they shouldn’t even be worried she’s out on her own!).  Michelle wishes for a tea party with Mickey and Minnie and all their friends, which Snow White makes happen. She winds up reunited with her family, and really gets in a minimal amount of trouble despite the fact that she had everyone looking around for her. Stephanie still mopes around

Which Olsen twin are you?? I can never tell!

but then Michelle makes it better by wishing that Stephanie can be princess for the rest of the day, and Snow White (who has a TON of decision making authority, I might add) says that because she has been so selfless, the entire family can ride in the parade later that day.  Of course! Because Disney lets random guests ride in parades all the time! In a random subplot to this episode, DJ keeps seeing Steve everywhere around the parks; including in the guy dressed as Aladdin, which is actually quite clever because Scott Weigner (the actor who plays Steve) was the voice of Aladdin in the hit Disney-animated classic. Apparently Steve was home missing DJ too, and flew himself down to Disney World and checked himself into the Grand Floridian to be with her. What high school kid has the funds to fly to Orlando AND check himself into the most expensive Disney resort?? This is less believable than the entire Tanner family staying there!! Oh, almost forgot: Joey and Jesse do an episode of their radio show from inside some strange time capsule-looking thing in the big ocean tank at Epcot’s Living Seas restaurant, and Joey irrationally thinks all the sharks in the tank are going to eat them during the 5 second swim back to the top of the tank.  This big two-part episode ends with Jesse and his band playing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom (and Captain Hook, Baloo, Mickey, and Minnie are among those in the audience of this show, again unsupervised and not being mobbed by kids – would never happen in real Disney World life!) and Danny finally proposes to Vicky via fireworks -another thing that probably cost a big chunk of change!  I really judge how the Tanners spend their funds after watching this episode! Can’t they upgrade that house they all live in??

Season 8 Episode 6: You Pet It You Bought It

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Michelle uses the insane amount of money she makes selling lemonade to the construction workers outside (who very well might be pedophiles, seeing as they dropped $221 to a little girl selling lemonade) to buy….wait for it….a donkey. That’s right. A donkey. Obviously an episode involving farm animals had to make my list.  Apparently Michelle bought this donkey off a man running a traveling petting zoo, and she can’t return the donkey, so Danny lets her keep it overnight while they figure out what to do with it.  The donkey is up all night making crazy donkey noises outside and Danny has to let the donkey back in the house lest the neighbors get REALLY mad.  Turns out that the only way to keep the donkey quiet is to have Jesse sing the theme song to Three’s Company (he doesn’t even know all the words) to the donkey all night.  How does that make sense in any universe??  I’m going to have to guess that it was at some point during this episode when John Stamos became incredibly happy that this was the last season of Full House, since he’d been reduced to singing to donkeys on television.

Donkey in the kitchen!

Honorary mentions:

Season 7 Episode 2: The Apartment – DJ and Steve decide to make out in the cement truck parked in the Tanners’ backyard that Joey and Jesse rented to cement the driveway and wind up dumping cement into the kitchen (where Joey is sitting but can’t hear/see/feel it b/c he’s listening to some meditation tape…those meditation tapes, they’re so mind altering).

Season 8 Episodes 23 and 24: Michelle Rides Again Parts I and II – Season finales tend to be ridiculous, and this one is no exception.  Michelle gets thrown off the horse she’s riding and loses her memory and the whole family has to band together to help her get her memory back.  Anything involving something dramatic like memory loss on a sitcom always winds up coming across ridiculous.

Any other ridiculous Full House episodes you can think of? Post ‘em below

The following five titles aren’t necessarily my top five favourites (though, some do fall in that range). There are other movies I hold in equal regard or higher as far as quality goes. These are, however, the movies that I feel have been the most influential on me as a person and as a movie geek. They’re all pretty great movies to boot, anyway, so all the better!

(Note: All clips linked are presented under Fair Use for review purposes only.)

Beetlejuice (1988)

When I was a little girl, I had a neighbourhood friend named Jenny. Sadly, I don’t remember much about her nowadays, but I do remember that she liked scary things a lot more than I did. She would get me to watch scary kids’ fare such as Are You Afraid of the Dark? all the time, especially episodes I found too scary to watch on my own (“Tale of the Crimson Clown,” I am looking right at you!). One day, she noticed my parents had a copy of Beetlejuice on VHS and demanded we watch it. I think I either barely made it through or I quit halfway, scared to death of the freaky make-up effects and the giant snake scene. …Yeah, I was a big baby. The laser-shooting sphinxes in The NeverEnding Story were a problem for me too. …Sh-shut up! They were scary, okay?!

Anyway, I was wary about ever seeing the movie again, but even at that age, I was a consummate movie re-watcher. Eventually, I did pop the tape back in, a combination of curiosity and the influence of the 1990′s Beetlejuice cartoon series. Sure enough, I started to enjoy the movie more each time. I loved the make-up, costumes, and sets (Tim Burton at his best), the odd personalities of characters both living and dead, the surprisingly interesting vision of the afterlife, and, probably most of all, the music. That was my first time hearing the work of composer Danny Elfman, and to this day, “Beetlejuice: Main Titles” is my favourite Elfman track. In addition, there were some upbeat and yet fitting tracks, including the infamous “Day-O (Banana Boat Song)” by Harry Belafonte, which I think will be playing in the back of my head until the day I die.

The two musical styles worked in concert with the unique visuals, strong script, and ace performances (Michael Keaton for life!) to create a package that hadn’t been seen before and hasn’t really been seen since. It cemented my admiration of Tim Burton and Danny Elfman, set early building blocks for my sense of humour, and did a darn good job desensitizing me against grotesque imagery. Thanks, Jenny, wherever you are. I might not have watched this without you.

On a side note: it took me entirely too long to figure out that Betelgeuse was saying “NICE F***ING MODEL.”

Return to Oz (1985)

You would think that if I was scared by a movie like Beetlejuice, then a movie frequently cited for causing childhood nightmares would be a no-go for me. But no, I saw Return to Oz early and often enough that the scary parts didn’t affect me, and it quickly became one of the defining movies of my childhood. When I went to my grandma’s house, I would often ask to be taken to the nearby video store, and almost every time, I would end up renting this movie. I saw it so many times, I’m surprised my family didn’t take me to see someone about a serious obsession going on there.

I think I just couldn’t get over how different Return to Oz was from the other kids’ movies I was growing up with. It was just so dark, and yet it built up a weird sense of whimsy amidst the scares and dangers. It also felt very realistic, both in the real world scenes at the Gale farm and the mental institution (yes, Dorothy goes to a mental institution in this movie) and through the use of sophisticated puppets, costumes, hydraulics, sets, and stop-motion animation in the Oz scenes. It’s movies like this that make me lament the fact that you don’t see this many in-camera effects in comparable movies nowadays. I’m not kidding; look up behind-the-scenes information on this movie sometime. It’s kind of crazy how much work went into it. You think Kenny Baker had it rough in the R2-D2 can? Try being the guy inside Tik-Tok, a 5’5″ man who had to bend over and walk backwards inside a 4’0″ metal sphere with legs.

If you’re still not sure about seeing Return to Oz, check out this excellent fan-made trailer for it. If you still don’t want to see the movie by the time it’s done, then I don’t think we can be friends anymore.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001)

I am a little ashamed to admit that I originally saw this at the height of my yaoi fangirl days. Not sure what “yaoi” means? Google it sometime. Or don’t. Either way, it’s a genre I still enjoy, but the sheer rabidity with which I used to be into it is best left in the distant past. And no, you won’t get my old usernames out of me. You can’t make me talk. You’ll never take me alive! You can’t handle the truth! You—

Sorry. Fangirl flashbacks take me to some weird places. Moving on.

I really should have watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch on its own merits, in any case. I’ve always loved musicals, growing up on a steady diet of Sondheim and Disney Renaissance movies, and I’ve always loved movies that present a lead character as standout as Hedwig. The songs range from rockin’ to tongue-in-cheek to heartbreaking. My favourite song here is probably “The Origin of Love” (warning: here be tasteful animated nudity). The lyrics in that song are at once removed from the main plot and intrinsically tied to it. It works very well whether you’re watching the movie or just listening to the song on its own. Really, every song on the soundtrack is great. I could listen to them forever and not get bored.

Even without the music, the movie has a lot to offer. John Cameron Mitchell’s Hedwig is someone you will probably never forget for the rest of your life, and the portrait of her life is rendered in such a loving and daring way that I really can’t find the words to describe it in a blurb like this. She is engaging, sweet, hilarious, tragic, ugly, and beautiful, all rolled up into one big wigbox. Never mind the excellent handling of all the sexuality and gender issues raised by this kind of blatantly transsexual character. If you’re uncomfortable with trans or gay subject matter, I would still strongly urge you to give this movie a shot. You might be surprised by what you find.

Run Lola Run (1998)

The first time I caught wind of this movie, it was at a summer movie camp in junior high. At one point, someone started explaining different types of cuts to us, and he brought out Run Lola Run (or Lola Rennt in the original German) as an example of a movie that used many different types. The part that sticks out in my memory is during Lola’s first run. She gets out of her apartment building and the movie accentuates the feeling of speed by first showing her closer to the camera, then cutting to her further away on the same road, then cutting again to further away still. The instructor said that these were called “jump cuts.” That was my first time hearing such a term, and that was the moment I really started getting into filmmaking terminology and looking at films in a whole different way. (By the way, if you want someone to further explain jump cuts using that same scene as an example, check out this video by EricsEveryNewDay.)

It took a little while to actually track the movie down after camp, but eventually, I did. And boy oh boy, was I blown away. Not only did I appreciate the different cuts, but the entire scope of the film’s editing was astounding to me. Being a movie that presented three alternate timelines branching off of a single event, it cemented a fascination with non-linear storytelling and creative editing in film. Not only that, but the thumping techno soundtrack hardly ever let up and kept me pumped, with the quiet scenes between runs being short, but effective breathers that kept me from feeling exhausted. The vision of red-haired Franka Potente as Lola running at Mach 1 down the streets of Berlin was an unforgettable visual, too, and she (along with all the other actors) turned in a great performance when she could catch a breath.

There’s not much else I can say here, as the movie is very visual. Description alone doesn’t do it justice. Just go see it if you haven’t already. You’ll thank me when your heart’s still racing at the end.

Murder by Death (1976)

Murder by Death is not the funniest movie I have ever seen. It is not the most well-shot movie ever made. It doesn’t have the greatest music I’ve ever heard. I’d even say that the ending is one of the more disappointing I’ve ever seen, at least in a comedy. Yet this movie has achieved in my mind the highest status I can grant: it is possibly the single most quotable movie I have ever seen. Your mileage may vary on that point, which is understandable. Everyone’s taste is different. Of course, you would be flat stinking wrong if you disagree with me, but hey, different strokes, right?

I originally saw this after my dad saw it on TV and remembered that he had been an usher at the time of its theatrical release. Presumably in a fit of nostalgia, he dug up the movie on VHS and showed it to me and my little brother. I can’t remember how old we were at the time, but I can tell you that we’ve been re-watching this movie together at least once a year ever since then (more often when we were younger, even), and I’ve long lost hope of guessing how many times we’ve collectively seen it now. There are a ton of lines that we can quote back and forth with each other for ages, some recognizable at only a couple of words and an accent. “Fuhget it. Ya ruined it,” is a favourite of ours in just about any context. My personal favourites are Lionel Twain’s digs at Inspector Sydney Wang’s constant and improbable misuse of prepositions and articles (“‘It’! ‘It’ is confusing! Say your goddamn pronouns!“)

Even if you don’t have the family tradition and nostalgia working for you, though, Murder by Death is very much worth seeing. Though it may sometimes be cornball and politically incorrect (see: making fun of deaf/blind people; Peter Sellers’s entire performance), big laughs are still frequent throughout, whether you’re familiar with the mystery tropes it parodies or not. There’s slapstick, one-liners, subtle puns and wit, and a load of other forms of humour that work more often than they don’t. The entire cast is phenomenal, too. It’s a 70′s A-list ensemble, featuring the likes of Peter Falk (Columbo), Peter Sellers (The Pink Panther), Alec Guinness (Star Wars), a young and hot Maggie Smith (Harry Potter), Eileen Brennan (Clue), and the one and only film role of Truman Capote (author of In Cold Blood; extremely funny performance here). It’s cliché to say, but I can’t recommend this movie enough. Check it out.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go to the can. Type so much sometimes I fuhget to go.

When we last saw Barnebus his operation was significantly disrupted by Clarice but now he is leading the brat pack version of Al Qaeda  in a green house.

Then we have Clarice whose storyline significantly expanded the view we have gotten of the 12 Colonies thus far.  Did we have any indication that an entire colony was under the control of the Church of the One?  Based on the conversation between Clarice and the STO general, it would seem that Gemenon at this point in the series is governed by a monotheistic cult.  This government is under threat of being toppled by the polytheistic rebels, internal strife, and weak leadership at the top.   Side note, the execution at the hands of the STO was very Caesar on the floor of the Senate.

How did Amanda survive her jump off the bridge with only a broken foot?  Why is she shacking up with Clarice?  Was anyone else really happy when it seemed that Amanda would be dead, for good?

Zoe’s metallic body was destroyed when her truck blew up.  Once the body was destroyed the chip became reprogrammable and Virgis was able to create a dumb Cylon army.  Is this Cylon army being made to invade Gemenon?  Why build an army if you do not plan to use it?  Considering the people of Gemenon were literal believers in the pagan prophecies on the Battlestar Galactica, I’m thinking the STO might be the first victims of the Cylons.

The erasure of the chip thankfully did not kill Zoe, she managed to somehow escape into New Cap City where she is now one of two immortal beings.  Tamara being the other immortal seems to have begun recruiting and branding players with her flower symbol.  Zoe knows that Tamara is important, I wonder how she plans to use her.

What is up with Joseph Adama?  He has completely given into his Turon mobster roots?  What was the deal with the car bomb gag?  He said he was trying to prove that Daniel was more humane than he was because he could not kill his own mother, but I think he was just messing with Dan.  While on the subject of Turon mobsters, I would definitely have enjoyed this episode a bit more if Sam had a bigger role.

Why does Clairce think she can recreate the Zoe program?  More importantly what makes her think that Zoe will help her bring eternal life to people that killed her human counterpart?  I am betting that Daniel thinks he can re-create the program for the Turons because if his teenage daughter could do it, with enough time he must be able to as well.

X-Men:

Just yesterday, Marvel announced that all 76 episodes of this 90′s classic are now available for free via online streaming.  As the only superhero show that could give Batman: The Animated Series a run for it’s money, X-Men was most likely the best depiction of Marvel superheroes that the 90s saw.  This show is actually the only known cure for having watched X-Men 3: The Last Stand, so it’s great to have it so readily available in case of emergency.  What’s even better is that Marvel has promised to begin streaming The Marvel Action Hour next Tuesday, October 12th.  Head on over to Marvel’s streaming home, or watch some of the first episode below.  My goal here is to get that theme song stuck in your head all day.

Ren and Stimpy:

Sunday’s used to be “days where you had to sit in church, missing Doug and Rugrats, but hoping to get home in time for Ren & Stimpy”.  That’s right.  Wash away all that holy with the crudest, most bizarre cartoon to hit morning airwaves since… well, ever.  Ren & Stimpy served as the foundation for many off-beat senses of humor, and now you can stream 36 full episodes (Netflix subscription required).

Early Anime: Speed Racer and Voltron

Let’s just get this out there.  People don’t watch enough anime.  Just because a story is told through drawn lines and comes from another country does not mean that it cannot be as compelling and well-crafted as any of this year’s Oscar nominees.  I’m not saying that the non-anime fan should run out and stream Speed Racer or Voltron (there are numerous better modern starting points), but this is a nice nod by sites like Hulu and Netflix to give some nostalgia for today’s fans, as one of these shows is likely the root of their love for the genre.  Both of these shows are available on both sites mentioned above.

The WB Treasure Trove:

Head on over to the Kids WB video page and a world of classic cartoons awaits you:  Looney Tunes, The Flintstones, The Jetsons, The Smurfs, and Thundercats.  These are classics in every sense of the word, and if nothing has caught your eye on this list yet, something here surely will.  If you’ve got little geeklings of your own, I highly suggest getting in the car, pulling them out of school right now, and subjecting them to hours upon hours of Looney Tunes viewings.  They’ll thank you when they’re older.

Honorable Mentions:

Inspector Gadget

Super Mario Bros. Super Show & The Legend of Zelda