Best Christmas album? Perhaps.

At work last week, I told my co-worker that “Merry Christmas,” the 1994 Mariah Carey album, is my favorite Christmas album ever. He looked at me strangely, and said, “In an ironic way, right?”

Nope. I wholeheartedly love “Merry Christmas” in a completely serious, unironic way. Every year, just after Thanksgiving, I pull it out and listen to Mariah croon her combination of high notes, gospel tunes, and sassy carols. I have thought long and hard about why I love this album, and there’s nothing scientific about it at all: I simply think it’s a solid album of easy-to-listen-to holiday songs.

That’s no easy feat. Think of other pop singers and their Christmas hits. Think of Wham!. Mariah Carey’s Christmas album isn’t just less terrible than that Wham! Christmas song; in comparison, Carey’s musical stylings are sheer masterpieces. I would voluntarily listen to a Mariah Carey Christmas song, whereas that Wham! song makes me want to punch someone. (While dancing… like most terrible songs, it infects your soul and makes it dance.)

Think you hate Carey’s over-reaching vocals and overambitious high notes? She doesn’t really do that this much on this album. She keeps traditional songs sounding fairly traditional, and gospel songs sounding like they should: soulful and rich. It’s definitely not a perfect album, but Carey’s voice doesn’t grate on me here like it does in most instances.

Christmas music, I think, should be judged on a completely separate plane from “normal” music. Criterion number one: does it make you want to jump out a window because it’s so sappy? Number two: how much jingle bell filler is there? (Someday, I’m going to burn all the jingle bells in the world, aside from the ones on the actual sleigh.) Number three: Did the artists just take a regular Christmas carol and add so many glissandos and vocal gymnastics as to make it sound “fancy?”

Huzzah, because Mariah does none of these. (Well, maybe a bit of number three, but she’s Mariah Carey, so you have to control for these things.) Plus, her use of actual gospel singers is nice and adds a bit more sacredness to a very secular album.

If you haven’t listened to any Christmas music yet this year, give “Merry Christmas” a try. You can pick up a cheap copy on Amazon for around six bucks. It’s worth a serious listen. And if you hate it, listen ironically.

Announcing MDP Yule Radio! We have packed a playlist full of over eight hours (one for each of Santa’s tiny reindeer) of the best and weirdest Christmas tunes and movie clips. It is the only holiday themed radio station you need for all your holiday activities like wrapping cats, writing elf ransom letters to Santa Claus, or just for some background music at work.

Whether you love the franchise or despise it, one thing everyone can admit about Rock Band is that it’s huge. In 2007, the game slowly was taking form as people could happily drum and play with a full-fledged group in their own living room. The rise didn’t stop there, as the original game and sequel were getting critical praise. It even started to pop up everywhere, in TV Shows to Bars across the country. Don’t expect it to stop either, as Rock Band 3 got a worldwide release this week to many fan’s delight.

But let’s get to one of the core reasons to why we love Rock Band 3…the variety. You can have 3 singers, a bassist, a drummer, a guitarist, and a soon-to-be keyboardist. Whatever instrument you play, there will be some songs that you will adore in the upcoming setlist with hits like “Roundabout” by Yes, “Rainbow in the Dark” by Dio, and “Good Vibrations” by The Beach Boys. But there’s a small snag with playing that 83-song setlist. No matter what console you own the game on, downloadable content is very crucial for keeping up interest in the rhythm-gaming genre. I believe any Rock Band player will attest that it feels a tad empty when you only have the core setlist, and some classic bands aren’t available such as Queen and Lynyrd Skynyrd.

The sheer amount of downloadable content in Rock Band has really kept the casual and the hardcore happy though, especially with recent announcements of gigantic 12-packs of The Doors (3 of the songs will be free!), Billy Joel, and Bon Jovi.  These have even made people who never played the game before turn their heads in interest, not to mention, the 360 and PS3 communities get to revel in the joy of Rock Band Network, the user-created DLC system that allows people to play more indie or niche songs. (And the occasional fan favorite, with artists like Jonathon Coulton and Seether) With over 2,000 songs to the list, you can always find that song that someone will enjoy.

But with a glut of THAT MANY SONGS, you have to think that some of those bands will be ignored by the community. The highest selling bands in the DLC Pipeline are Blink-182, Oasis, Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold, The Police and All-American Rejects. (However, this varies depending on when the song was released and discounted sales) But some of the bands really fade into obscurity due to lack of interest or popularity. So here’s a list to look at some of the bands that are rather fun to play, but have incredibly low sales numbers that one may have missed. Don’t worry, this will be for bands who are accessible for everyone, so Rock Band Network songs wouldn’t be included.

The Rock Band Downloadable Content Tallies have been found thanks to Keldon’s Rock Band Score’s DLC Popularity Database: http://rockbandscores.com/popularity.cgi

1. The Mother Hips

The Mother Hips were a favorite of the HMX Developers since the series started, as their song “Time We Had” was apart of Rock Band 1′s setlist. It’s one of the easier tracks of the 58 songs, but it swayed many fans with it’s calm, melodic folk sound. Over the three years of Rock Band DLC, the band has had 4 songs released through DLC with: “Red Tandy”, “Time-Sick Son of a Grizzly Bear”, “White Falcon Fuzz”, and “Third Floor Story”. All of them have many things in common, with great psychedelic sounds and fun strings. But on the other side…

All of the songs from the band have rather low sales. The former two are for sale at 160 MSP, and have a combined total of over 29,000 downloads. This might sound great, but they were released in 2008, and it’s common for any song around that time to have sales of over 50,000 downloads.  The latter two were released at 80 MSP a piece, and yet only 4,000 downloads between the two. Many smaller bands tend to get ignored due to their lack of variety or popularity, but The Mother Hips really separates from the pack. With having fun instruments that could really benefit from Rock Band 3 and some notoriety among the community, this is one long-lasting band that deserves it’s time in the spotlight.

2. Bad Religion

Ahh, Bad Religion. A punk band that has been around for over three decades and still is in touch with their roots of fast riffs, great harmonies, and a large vocabulary in their lyrical catalog. This band has 4 songs available for Rock Band, with “21st Century Digital Boy”, “Sorrow”, “No Control”, and “New Dark Ages”. But this band is a really interesting case of song popularity. The two former songs are actually rather good sellers. But how many people caught those later tracks that came out 3 months ago? Only about 2,500 thousand each.

I’ll be the first to admit that punk isn’t the best band that translates over into Rock Band or Guitar Hero with very fast, chord-based structure. But Bad Religion particularly stands out from the difficulty and variety they give in drums and bass. While the band is still doing successful, it’s still very interesting when you look at a band popular tracks or what it’s being sold with.

3. Steely Dan

A classic rock band here? Surprisingly so. Steely Dan already made it’s splash into the Rock Band franchise with the infamous “Bodhisattva” and it’s blisteringly hard guitar track. But The Dan also had two of their well known tracks within DLC in the forms of “Black Friday” and “My Old School”. Combine the two, it’s a little bit over 20,000 downloads. That may sound good, but since the two had come out 17 months ago, it kind of pales in comparison to other singles.

That’s a shame, in the sense that Steely Dan is a total blast to play on all of the instruments. And it isn’t just this one reviewer’s opinion either, many people list “My Old School” as one of the best guitar songs to play within the Rock Band Community. While their style is not for everyone, it is certainly one that cannot be ignored from the sheer amount of talent or fun that you will have. (And a great candidate for keyboards…)

4. Shaimus

Not a very popular band, but it should be one that’s recognizable within the Rock Band/Guitar Hero community. Harmonix has a set of “Harmonix Bands” that they really seem to love. Some are involved within the actual company, such as Anarchy Club, Bang Camaro and Freezepop. Shaimus is one of those bands, with their insanely catchy song “All of This” being on Guitar Hero 1. The good note? That song, as well as two others are available up for download. They have a 3rd song that is even free in a 20-Free-DLC pack that came with the game.

It’s hard for an indie band no matter what period-of-time it is. But this is one of those few bands that could get some recognition with their wonderful vocals and fun guitar. A great bonus about this band, is that while one song is free, the other two songs are only sold at a buck. If you’ve been thinking about buying one random song on a whim, Shaimus may be a band to look out for. Support those indie artists!

5. British Artists in General

Supergrass, The Damned, Kula Shaker, Chemical Brothers,  The Jam…the list really goes on, and on, and on.

Now you might ask, why a slot for a long list of artists? The Beatles even got their own game! Something peculiar about the English artists listed and many others, is that their songs are sprinkled through the downloadable content history. It’s not common for Harmonix to release several singles at once, but that’s usually when some songs outshine others. (They released La Roux and KMFDM at the same time, they’ll do ANYTHING) Some songs sink through the cracks, but what makes Britain special? Well, turn back a year ago to the kid-friendly Lego: Rock Band…

An interesting tidbit about Lego: Rock Band and all of the Lego games is that they are developed by Traveler’s Tales, a British Company. And other than having many pop songs and classic rock staples, a large portion of the songlist is by English Artists. It even includes ones who were to return in future games or future DLC, such as Elton John, Iggy Pop, and T.Rex. The biggest thing about this is that many of these songs do have really, REALLY low sales numbers. Old or New, it’s surprising to see what the Rock Band buyers lean towards.

Rock Band is a revolutionary game in many ways, but the other way it is huge is how it introduces a new generation to all kinds of music. Songs from 4 decades ago will be played throughout buildings across the country. Even Rock Band 3 is going to have many people commenting “Oooh, I recognize that song!” or “That song ROCKS! I need to check out the album!” The way music has evolved and is spread is great influenced by the technology it’s writing on. It used to be 8 Tracks and Vinyl, but now it’s Computers and Consoles. Just because the technology is new, it doesn’t mean the older bands or smaller bands can’t bask in a bit of glory.

For me, listening to The Killers and autumn go hand in hand. Three of their four albums were released in the fall and its not surprising. For the last six years, their thickly layered music filled with sweeping deep sound over lyrics full of of lost love, moving on, and recollection with a tinge of brightness have been my perfect soundtrack for when the leaves start to descend and the chill begins to fill the air.

This year, with the rest of the band members desiring to take a break, lead singer and song writer Brandon Flowers decided to take most of the material that was to become the fifth The Killers album and record a solo outing, Flamingo. In interviews Brandon Flowers has said that the band will soon be going back to the studio to record the next The Killers album and he had saved “an ace” for that album.

I think this background is pretty important when talking about Flamingo, as it flat out sounds like The Killers. This isn’t a bad thing, according to Last.fm, I have The Killers is my number one listened to band in history. The same Bruce Springsteen and David Bowie influenced mashup I have always loved is plain to hear. The shame is I wish I could have heard Brandon Flowers experiment and do some things he hasn’t had a chance to explore in a true band. There are some unique moments, like “Hard Enough”, where Flowers is joined by Jenny Lewis (lead singer of Rilo Kiley and one of my major nerd crushes.. she was in The Wizard!), but they are few and far between.

I would say the biggest difference is the real hit you on the head hooks, choruses such as the stadium rock anthem-like “When you were young” or “Human” are absent. The whole Flamingo album is a solid listen, but never breaks through to the stratosphere like The Killers can do when they are a whole. On even the second listen of the past The Killers albums, I had started to sing along and know the lyrics and stand out songs. As of writing this review, I am on my third straight listen and don’t feel even close to that point.

Flamingo gives me the impression that Brandon Flowers is a top-selling comedian in a small bar doing workouts on jokes to see which one gets laughs. I like this album, I really do and I can recommend it to any The Killers fan, I just wish it either was a new The Killers album or showed Brandon Flowers really branching out, not something in between.

I have said it again and again, in the last decade there has been only a few bands with the talent, presence, and power to make proper stadium filling music. Who is going to inherit U2 and Bruce’s stadium shows when they go? Coldplay is an obvious answer, MUSE is a close second, but I think The Killers are a dark-horse if they can continue evolving. Flamingo is not the next step in this progression, but a nice way to keep Brandon Flowers and his fans happy until he decides to pull that ace out of his hand.

Rating: ★★★½☆ 

It was 1994, I was in fourth grade and on a field trip bus My friend sitting next to me was listening to his Sony Walkman and let me borrow it for a few minutes. When I hit play, I heard a man sing about his sweater falling apart and was immediately hooked like it was a drug. I didn’t get the deeper meaning, but I was hooked on the catchy melody and rushed to buy my first copy of The Blue Album. Not long after that, we would find the “secret” Weezer “Buddy Holly” music video on our Windows 95 cd and watch it 47,000 times.

16 years later, Weezer is releasing their eighth album, Hurley and you know what? I still get that same rush from listening. Looking at how far from their roots one of their few remaining mid-90′s pop punk contemporaries, Green Day has become and it is absolutely amazing that not only is Weezer still around, but they still (after a few rough patches) sound like Weezer.

I would be lying if I didn’t say that their sound has evolved to sound fuller and their subject matter has slightly matured in places. Throughout Hurley it is plain to see the album has a tone of growing older and moving on. The album opens with a song called “Memories” and ends with another called “Time Flies!”

Yet, it seems that Weezer is having more fun than ever with making music and there are still plenty of the light hearted geeky touches of River Cuomo. Weezer have always been a nerd band at heart and the fact they named the album after a character from LOST pretty much proves they still have a great grasp on who their fans are. It has always seemed to me that Weezer is a band that if they weren’t members, would be fans themselves. This shows itself in how involved Weezer has made themselves with the promotion of the album, using grassroots promotions like guesting on Auto Tune the News.

A perfect example of classic Weezer manifest itself in what is the stand out song on the whole album to me, “Smart Girls.” Rivers sings “Where did all these smart girls come from? I don’t think I could choose just one. Where did all these smart girls come from? Someone show me how to get me some.” This song could easily have been written by Weezer in 1994, but sounds fresh and is absolutely hilarious.

Even after two listens, I can easily call Hurley one of my favorite Weezer albums. From start to finish, it delivers pure Weezer goodness with each song having layers of honest heart and comedy. This is the same band that played with the Muppets and Fonzi, I fell for in grade school, and made me excited when I was told I had to get glasses in high school. Add all this to the the quality of their last two albums and it seems to me that Weezer may be one of the rare bands that improves with age and I’ll be there as long as they keep making music.

Rating: ★★★★½ 

Anamanaguchi is a band that also thrives on video game nostalgia, but doesn’t actually require you to have played the game.  They use NES and GameBoy sound chips (along with some guitars and a drum kit) to create modern music, the result being full-length songs that can fill a real album.  So the question at hand is whether Anamanaguchi, when limiting themselves to the confines of the video game soundtrack art form, can produce an album still worth listening to on it’s own.  First, let me make it clear that every single track the band put together is perfect play-along music for the Scott Pilgrim Video Game.  This is the best possible set of tunes the game could wish for.  However, if it’s going to be published as an album, I’m going to judge it (mostly) on it’s own two feet.  What is it like to listen to this if you are just a fan of chip music, but have no experience with the Scott Pilgrim game?

The 23 track count can seem staggering, but know what about half of them are game-driven filler.  Mostly these tracks complement atmosphere and style of play when used, but do not stand on their own.  They are just over a minute long, very repetitive, and intended to be looped over and over again for those situations in a game where the music shouldn’t be stealing all of the attention.

True love involves a fighting stance

That being said, there are some real gems in this album.  The opening theme is powerful and driving, while “Another Winter” manages to use those same trademark Anamanaguchi qualities to craft a song that winds up feeling mellow, even as the beats are hitting fast.  A deviation from typical Anamanaguchi style pays off for “Bollywood” and “Cheap Shop”; “Bollywood” mixes it up with syncopation and puts percussion as the focus, while “Cheap Shop” offer some excellent jazz guitar over 8-bit rythyms.

Other tracks that the casual listener may enjoy would the “The Dark One” and “Subboss Theme”, but the selection begins to tail off there.  For the Anamanaguchi fan, or those interested in video game soundtracks as a medium, I would highly recommend picking up this entire album.  I would still urge others to head on over to your mp3-dealing website of choice to pick up at least a few of these single tracks I have mentioned above.  Everyone needs a little chiptune love on their iPods!

Rating: ★★★☆☆ 

P.S. It’s worth noting that the video game pun humor of the Scott Pilgrim comic books is alive and well even in the video game soundtrack.  The title of at least one track,  “Skate or Live” gave me a pretty good chuckle.

If Scott Pilgrim were real, and if I were a girl,  and the soundtrack to this movie was the mix-tape he made to get into my pants, he scored.

The soundtrack is a magnificent mix of tracks that inspired author Brian Lee O’Malley,music written for the fictional bands in this movie and music inspired by the movie itself. The album blasts off with a two-minute crunchy rock song by Scott Pilgrim’s fictional band Sex Bob-omb, whose lyrics and music were brought to life, appropriately enough, by alt-icon Beck. The album moves at a quick pace through the rest of the tracks, dancing between fictional bands and real indie music heavy-weights. Metric, Broken Social Scene and The Black Lips have all lent their talents to this project.

The two best songs on the album are written by Beck: “Ramona” and “Garbage Truck”. “Ramona” is a haunting love song that blends an acoustic guitar with an elegant string section, while “Garbage Truck”– another Sex Bob-omb song–is a gritty, whinny, unsophisticated but hilarious love song.

On a side note, if any of you pirates love vinyl, the soundtrack is available in candy apple red!

Make sure you pick up “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: the Original Motion Picture Soundtrack” on ABKCO Records and hit up your local theater to see the film this weekend!

You can stream the soundtrack and the score at www.spinner.com.

I initially found ALL CAPS after one of the YouTubers I subscribed to, MeekaKitty, made a music video for one of their songs “Don’t Unplug Me” (see below!). It is a synth-pop love song sung by robots, so therefore, they had me hooked from the first verse: “I remember, our software was compatible, I think I felt my circuit board ignite.”

This video led me straight to their song “World of Warcraft Ruined My Life” (a song of a girl’s frustrations over her raiding boyfriend) and right away, I knew I found my favorite new band.

ALL CAPS consists of Kristina Horner and Luke Conard, who according to their website met through their respective Wizard Rock bands (my obsession with Wizard Rock is a whole other post entirely) and started to collaborate online through e-mail to make the songs that would grow into ALL CAPS. That background is so full of win, its not even funny. Their sound can best be described as synth-pop with shades of Her Space Holiday and the infamous Owl City.

It is their lyrics that really set them apart. They are literally jammed packed with nerd references to their Harry Potter themed parody of Owl City’s “Fire Flies”, called “Lumos Flies” to their “You Kissed Me at the Dundies”, a musical version of Jim and Pam from the The Office. A Weird Al fan since practically birth, I am very particular with my quality of parody songs and these two definitely have what it takes.

With their nerdy subject matter and grasp of social media, I can solidly recommend them to anyone who regularly reads MDP and I think these two are in for some major things in the future. I might as go as far as to make them the official band of The Modern Day Pirates… ya know, I will. ALL CAPS is the current official band of The Modern Day Pirates. I’m mad with power!

ALL CAPS myspace - ALL CAPS website – Buy their new Album on iTunes

Their music takes a few listens to take hold of you. I have found something needs to click inside me and all of a sudden, I can literally listen to songs on a straight loop. Is this healthy? Probably not, but I dare you to watch the “I’ll Believe In Anything” video, one of my favorites of all time, full of Elizabethan duals (the real man’s sport). It bothers me to no end that Justin Beiber can get billions of views on youtube and a video and song as brilliant as this hovers around 500,000.

Their sophomore album in 2008, “At Mount Zoomer” failed to impress for the most part, lacking a lot of the rare power of their first album. With their new album “Expo 86″, Wolf Parade proves to me that the greatness of “I’ll Believe in Everything” was not a fluke.

After a few listens, I have yet to find a song that instantly grabs at me like my previous love, but one thing is sure, the full cacophony of electric sound makes an experience much more in this outing.  It definitely feels like Wolf Parade is starting to come into their own and find their Wolf Parade sound (which is surprisingly close to how an actual parade of wolves would sound, if that parade included a marching band of wolves that new how to make great sounding alternative music).

This is one of those albums that needs multiple listens just to start to hear all the little touches that the band puts in the interplay between the instruments alone, something that takes a level of talent that is often absent in most modern rock. If it seems like I am spending a lot of time talking about how the band crafts their sound, it is because it is evident it is something they must slave over.

Stand-outs include “Ghost Pressure” , “What Did My Lover Say”, and “Oh You, Old Thing” but time will tell whether the album stays with me. I can recommend a listen to anyone who likes thickly-layerd raw alternative such as Arcade Fire (friends/collaborators of Wolf Parade) or LCD Soundsystem.

Rating: ★★★½☆ 

When She & Him Volume One hit the shelves in 2008, I had already fallen in love with both Daschannel and Ward from their solo work. M Ward had established himself as an indefolk artist, when he either had a stroke of genius or became very lucky and teamed up with actress Zooey Deschanel, who had proven her vocal chops in ‘Elf’. Volume One added the classic sounding voice of Deschanel to Ward’s full arrangements and a wonderful little album was created and soon became my favorite of the year.

With Volume Two, She & Him continues to expand upon what they built in their first album. Ward’s arrangements are even fuller then last time and the album really benefits from listening with a good pair of headphones. There is a skillfully created spaciousness to the production, that isn’t exactly Phil Spector’s wall-of-sound, but is getting there. The songs somehow manage to sound new, but nostalgic at the same time.

Of course, Deschanel’s performance is as captivating as ever. When it comes to alternative and indie rock, there is not a single female vocalist with her quality voice, which harkens back to great doowop and jazz singers. Shining through more than ever are the background layers of 60′s style subtle vocal harmonies. Some of the songs vocals flat out sound like female Beach Boys.

Even after she broke our hearts watching 500 Days of Summer, I speak for the male gender that this album will get us back. Too bad she has been deservedly claimed by the king of hipsters Ben Gibbard. Watch the music video for In the Sun, she is cute as button!

Stand out songs are In the Sun, Don’t Look Back, and Gonna get Along Without You Now, although the entire album is a perfect spring time listen front to back.  There are songs that I personally think are less perfect than others, but at 13 tracks it is longer than most albums I have bought lately, so I can’t complain.

I bought the album in digital download, because I couldn’t wait to listen to it, but I wish I would have held out for vinyl, because this music was made for the vintage warmth and hum that a turntable adds.

Even though I will continue to pine for the inevitable Gibbard and Deschanel album, I am extremely glad that She & Him continues to make music. This sophomore outing proves that  this is neither a pet-project for either of its members or a novelty.

Rating: ★★★★½ 

However, there is one musical act that I am not truly proud to love: Kenny Loggins. I mean… why? WHY?

Seriously. I am asking you why, because I just don’t know.

I blame Pandora and its ESP-like powers. I had originally made a radio station based on the musical achievements of Hall and Oates (and there are many – look it up). Soon enough, Kenny Loggins’ “This Is It” showed up on my computer screen.

My headphones pumped the oozing goodness of soft rock through my ear canal. In my brain, I could almost feel it burning.

But this feeling, much like the topical heat rub Icy Hot®, eased into my pores and soothed me. Loggins’ silky vocals, along with… holy carp, is that Michael McDonald in the background? The hit maker and soothsayer of The Doobie Brothers?

My head almost exploded from vocal ecstasy. Michael McDonald is (secretly) one of my (secret) favorite artists, and I couldn’t believe that Mr. McDonald, the man with the most kick ass white beard in the world – aside from Santa Claus – would sing back-up for Loggins. Surely, this was a miracle… just like Loggins when says in “This Is It,” where he proclaims “For once in your life, here’s your miracle / Stand up and fight / This is it.”

This IS it, Kenny. Bravo indeed.

I decided to look into this fast-consuming infatuation more, and looked on YouTube for Kenny Loggins videos. There were many, including one

with Loggins’ album cover for 1979′s “Keep the Fire.” Loggins, with full beard action (what is it with me

and beards?), shimmering white robe, holding some kind of glowing orb. Who do you know who had a beard, illustrious hair, a knowing expression and a robe?

He looks familiar...

JESUS. He looks… like Jesus. Is it a coincidence? Have you been reading?

I looked into it more on YouTube and found another Loggins hit, “Heart To Heart” and holy hell, this one had an actual music video.

Loggins, beard and all, is apparently having some kind of flashback to childhood… which sort of looks like the old farm from “The Wizard of Oz.” I could care less about the dumb little kid in the video and his stupid teddy bear, but my heart skipped a beat when Loggins was back on the screen, trying to sketch something, adorned with a breathtaking striped sweater and jean collar. A part of me hoped that the kid in the music video gets crushed by Dorothy’s flying house. Also, the kid had really long girly eyelashes and that made me concerned.

Before I can wish any more ill feelings on the stupid kid, Loggins starts to sing to the camera and my soul falls to pieces. “Can we go on together, now that we’ve grown apart?” Loggins excitedly squeals in his size 30 jeans. If there is a God, Kenny, we can go on together. And we WILL.

As I pursuing the interwebs for more Loggins knowledge, I found out that my majestic bearded angel also sung the song “Danger Zone” for the popular 80s film “Top Gun,” starring Tom Cruise and Val “The Iceman” Kilmer.

On a side note, what the hell is “Val” short for? Valiant? Valronikus? Valarie?

Anyway, I realized through my research that Loggins also sung “Footloose,” which is the theme from the movie of the same name. What the heck? Where the hell have I been and why didn’t I know this years ago? I was ashamed in taking Kenny for granted. I thought he was a one-trick pony when I was young and stupid and didn’t know any better. Now, I realize that he shaped the entire decade of the 80s with his full beard and melodious voice box.

You know what? I take it all back. I am proud – no, HONORED – to enjoy the soulful sounds of Mr. Kenneth Clark Loggins.

I therefore decided to compile the following list of some of the best songs I could think of, that inject a driver with Lead-Foot Syndrome. Then something called “Grad School” got in the way for a few months. But I’ve finally completed this list.

These songs however, must have that special something to them.  They can’t simply be the same songs you use in the gym to get yourself pumped, or something that’s just loud, has some explosions, and then just tapers off.  What follows is a list of carefully thought-out and “scientifically” tested songs.  Enjoy

20. Push Push (Lady Lightning) – Bang Camaro

Relatively-unknown, this amalgamation band from Boston harkens back to the some of the best arena rock of the 1980’s.  The opening guitar riff is a sweet sound to hear as you’re clearing the toll booth and flooring it onto the merger.  The rhythm settles in a bit as you’re slowly gaining some speed, and just about when your car is at the “legal” highway limit the boys from Bang Camaro crank it up to 11 and give you that extra push to break your car somewhere into at least the 70mph range.

19. Genesis – Justice

This is a perfect red light drag race song, with a sample from what must be King Kong or a 1930′s serial as an intro. article Justice is a Daft-Punk style group out of Paris, and their mixes are nuts. This song is so overloaded with dark, heavy synthesizers it’s like there’s a wall of sound coming at your face.

18. Urgent – Foreigner

This song is great for a sustained-run in the 70mph range, and is best when you’re already on the highway, cruising along.  It’s a pretty level-headed tune, until you get to the saxophone solo.  Now you may be thinking: “Jared how can I speed while listening to Kenny G. sax music?”  Well I will say this much: if Kenny G’s sax was a cute and cuddly kitten, the sax in Urgent would be a panther chewing your balls off.  Listen to that brassy woodwind fly and, well you’ve probably just hit 80mph.

17. New Divide – Linkin Park

OK, OK, I know Transformers aren’t real, but don’t you just wish your 1993 Toyota Corolla was a robot in disguise?  I know I do.  New Divide is the kind of speeding song that’s just plain sneaky.  You think you’re just going to put the iPod on shuffle and cruise along right? Wrong. You might think you’re “going with the flow of traffic” until you realize “the flow” is flooding along at about 75mph – more than enough for a Parkway Cop to nab you after the limit drops from 65 to 55.  Plus, the song is also angsty enough to remind you of your ex and the crappy breakup you had – anger leads to fear, fear leads to hate, hate…something something leads to speeding.

16. The Hand that Feeds – NIN

Ah Trent Reznor.  The album “With Teeth” that this song is on would be what most emo artists would sound like if they had enough talent to express their emotional angst.  This is another good “out of the booth” song, which builds up pretty damned fast.  By the time to main riff hits you’re probably weaving in and out of traffic doing at least 70mph perhaps.  Obviously a great song if you’re pissed off at someone…which is why people go for drives anyway right?

15. Panama – Van Halen

This song is a full-fledged energy boost courtesy of Diamond David Lee Roth.  It’s the song that comes on when you’ve been fartin’ along at 5 under the limit and the road finally opens up in front of you because the soccer mom on her cell phone finally shut her blinker off and got out of the left lane.  Panama only induces short-term speeding because inevitably you will either a) start scatting and hooting like Diamond Dave himself, or b) think of doing donuts in the parking lot ala Super Troopers.  Either of these is distracting enough and will cause you to slow down.

14. Achilles Last Stand – Led Zeppelin

Hooolllllly fuck Gods of Rock…plain and simple.  This song is insane both because it’s about 10 minutes long and because John Bonham’s drumming is such that if you have a woofer in your car, it’s rattling the trim off your doors.  I’d like to think that some highway patrolmen listen to this on loop while cruising.  This song is another tricky one; because you think you’re jamming to some Zep, and drumming on your steering wheel…but that’s no bass pedal my friend, no that’s the gas pedal.

13. Phantom Pt. II – Justice

Those crazy French are back again, in another great song for between the lights. I came across the song while watching Top Gear…it was used while two 350+hp cars were drag racing on a landing strip. I think that’s reason enough to speed. It’s got what the French would call a certain je ne sais quois. This was actually another inspiration for writing this entire article.

13. Love Gun – KISS

Say what you will about KISS, but Love Gun is a great song.  Crank this tune up in your car and you might just feel like a god of rock ravaging the women of the countryside with your love gun hanging out. Ace Frehley’s windup into the guitar solo just screams sex on a diatonic scale.  It also screams “put the pedal to the metal” and don’t stop.  By the time you get to wherever you’re going, you will either a) have a speeding ticket, b) knocked up your lady friend in the car, or c) both.

12. Cochise – Audioslave

Cochise was a famous Apache chief who led uprisings in 1861.  Audioslave was a famous band with awesome songs.  This is what we call synergy.  The first 15 seconds of this song is pure buildup.  The sounds coming from Tom Morello’s guitar and Tim Commerford’s bass make you really think, “shit…someone’s really pissed”.  Sure enough the climaxes just explodes over your speakers and there’s all sorts of insane sounds flying around.  By the time Chris Cornell actually starts singing, you’re already doing at least 80, maybe 90mph…and there’s still over 3 minutes left on the song…

11. Gasoline – Audioslave

Get ready, because this isn’t the last one on the list.  Gasoline has lyrics that seemingly were crafted to make it a driving song of sorts.  Chris Cornell’s voice and words defy description, simply because they convey such strong emotions and cause such a strong desire to drive fast.  Gasoline is best listened to when already on the highway, riding in the left lane next to the divider, so you can hear your exhaust even louder.

10. Show Me How to Live – Audioslave

This venerable piece rounds out the trio of Audioslave songs on the list.  Sure it may be biased since the music video is almost entirely cut scenes from the 1971 classic Vanshing Point in which a man makes a bet he can deliver a car from Denver to San Francisco in under 2 days…Again Morello’s guitar work is just spot on here.  The riffs just make you think of hammering the accelerator down and flying past everything on the road.  It’s like a different persona takes over your body and you don’t know why but you don’t want to slow down.  I’m not sure, but I think this song would be best listened-to in a 1971 white Dodge Challenger…hehe.

9. Thunderstruck – AC/DC

You didn’t think I would write all of this and not include AC/DC did you?  Thunderstruck is a very giddy-inducing song.  You won’t know why you’re excited; you won’t know why you’re yelling THUNDAAAAHHHH!  Hell, you probably don’t even know half of the lyrics.  But you will know that your speed has probably jumped 10-15mph, and that the passengers in your guitar and playing air guitar – and you’re probably playing the drums too.

8. Shoot to Thrill – AC/DC

Yep, Angus and the boys are back with what is probably AC/DC’s catchiest tune ever. With the opening guitar part you can kind of imagine Angus standing there holding his hand up while grown Scottish men are crying and their wives are “letting it all hang out”. After a few seconds the main riff pops in and before you know it you’ve cleared the gates. It is a classic AC/DC piece – one that doesn’t get massive airtime (Regrettably compared to “You Shook Me All Night Long”).

7. Welcome to the Jungle – Guns ‘n Roses

Yeah Axl and Slash are here and Duff too, don’t worry. This is still one of the quintessential hard rock songs that even people who listen to shit like the Jonas Brother recognize. There’s a reason – it kicks ass. It’s the kind of song you can put on at a red light, and rev the engine – or  as you race some assclown in a GTI out of a Parkway tollbooth, really solid and a classic – even if it’s Axl Rose.

6. Sabotage – Beastie Boys

The hilarious music video aside, this is one of their best-known and beloved songs of the past 15 years, and for good reason. It doesn’t really matter where you are on the road when this song starts playing. As soon as the intro comes in you’ve gotta be drumming on the steering wheel, and when “ahhhhh can’t stand it” blasts in your face, you’re off on your way. The drum beat is super-simple, but it’s perfect if you try to pass a car every time the downbeat hits haha. The turntable basically just funks it up a few notches, and you feel like you’re pissed about something but have no idea what; only that it involves more speeding.

5. Knights of Cydonia – MUSE

Seriously – MUSE is insane…really hasn’t been a 3-man band that produces this much sound in the studio or live, since Rush. Matt Bellamy really loves shredding and using all of his nutty electronics. The choruses of “AHH AHH AHH” repeatedly mixed in with sweet drum rolls ensure that if you have any penchant for speeding whatsoever, you’re already doing it before the giant guitar outro. Once there there’s nothing stopping you from leading a police chase ‘cross county lines. “No one’s gonna take me alive…”.

4. Barracuda – Heart

My brother has driven numerous cars, the fastest being “Black Betty” a 382hp Mercedes-Benz coupe. He’s also the kind of person who listens to everything from Mozart to Metallica, but he made a curious comment one day. He said that this song was probably “the worst song to listen to if [you] don’t want to drive fast”. I can honestly say I’ve been in a 382hp Mercedes-Benz coupe at twice the speed limit, and I do believe him. If I were of age in the 1970’s, I can also honestly say that Nancy Wilson, with her freaking insane voice and good looks would’ve been my prime choice of woman.

3. You Really Got Me – Van Halen

Yup Diamond Dave made his way onto the list again. If not simply for the classic and hilarious Nissan 300Z commercial with this song, you’ve gotta love it for it’s energy, fun and Eddie’s guitar antics. It’s purely and simply a song that makes you want to slam down on the gas…doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing. Trust me – this is a scientific study.

2. Trampled Under Foot – Led Zeppelin

This song is a GIANT sexual innuendo wrapped around 1970′s car terminology. On top of that, it just f-ing kicks soooo much ass. John Paul Jones’ wonky rock organ intro bleeds seemlessly into Plant’s vocals and Page’s guitar. And of course Bonzo is in there back there filling and drumrolling his balls off. This song is best used while you’re already on a highway and some driver’s pissing you off. Turn it on, crank it up, and just go.

1. Testify – Rage Against the Machine

Ok I know what you’re thinking – I already put Audioslave on here three times, so why should Rage be included too?  AND, why should it be the number one song? Well, because it’s a completely-different brew of rageahol. Tom Morello’s windmill intro I’m sure sounds awesome if you have a supercharger whining in the background, as you’re gunning it out of a tollbooth. If you don’t, whatever sound your car makes as you blast pass “blue hairs” and frightened driving school students will suffice.

This song is seriously just insanely-tight, and loses NO energy throughout the entire 3:31 minutes. I give my official stamp of approval and guarantee that you will rock out. Zach de la Roche is just so pissed off in this song, and you may not even know what the hell he’s talking about, but it doesn’t matter. There is such a funk in this song, such a groove that if you’re not drumming on your steering wheel and slamming that accelerator down, you don’t deserve to have a stereo in your car.

I think it’s time the music industry remade bands and artists. Think of this as a new hybrid profession of musical actor or professional role player… the name needs work I’ll admit it. What I’m proposing is that the music industry recruit some of those American Idol washouts to completely recreate musical careers of previously successful musicians.

This would work by basically carbon copying a musical acts career. If a bands first televised appearance in the USA was on the Ed Sullivan Show, the remade bands needs to play their first televised appearance on the current television analog. If music critics panned their concerts and said things like “couldn’t carry a tune across the Atlantic”, the music company needs to create fake websites that would run the same scathing criticism. If the band hit a rough patch when one of the creative geniuses fell for a crazy woman who changed the dynamic of the group. That too needs to happen.

Wouldn’t it be cool if “The Beatles”, “Michael Jackson”, “Billy Joel”, and “Britney Spears” were all battling for supremacy on the pop charts in the same year? Wouldn’t it be crazy if Britney Spears won? New jobs would open up for writers covering the “Take 2″ beat. Some would play it straight writing about the band or artist in the same vein they were written about in years past, while others would write about how the new Ringo Starr was threatening to quit the Beatles when his contract came up in the fall.

They could even make recruitment into some kind of reality show that would help relaunch the “brand” and get new fans emotionally invested in the success of these “Take 2″ bands.

While some might argue that Elvis impersonation and cover bands prove the unprofitably of this remake path I would counter that impersonation does not even scratch the surface of the layered remake I’m proposing here.

If workable this would be a complete windfall for the music industry which has been stymied by iTunes and an inability to adapt to an evolving market. They already own the rights to the music, all they have to do is cast fresh faced talent and pay them a modest salary. Once the career of “The Beatles Take 2″ (naming isn’t my thing) ends the actors can parlay that fame into something a bit more profitable for themselves.

Is this fool proof? Absolutely not. Could this be the last wild gambit of an industry on the verge of collapse, looking for a life raft while the ocean liner is brought into into port? Perhaps.

For more musings feel free to visit http://sensyden.blogspot.com/

Let’s face the music, the days of Napster and the free lunch are over. While there still exist plenty of ways to get music illegally, the legal ways are getting easier and easier and finding a MP3 free online often takes too much time or ends in a distorted dead sounding rip.

Personally, I always felt guilt over downloading music through other means than the legal ones and wanted to support the artist. As a struggling artist myself, sometimes it is hard to spend full CD price on music, yet I have amassed over 20 days of music on my hard drive through (almost) entirely legal means. How?  Today with the amount of music stores online, when I want to download a track, I can usually name my price by checking the following services:

Cheap

iTunes – Alright, I know iTunes is nothing new and since Apple handed over the pricing to the music labels, not always the cheapest way to buy music. iTunes, however, can still not be beat when it comes to convenience and selection. Apple also secures great exclusive singles and live albums, so they are sometimes the only way to go. The fact I can download and listen to virtually any song that gets stuck in my head while I am alway from my computer on my iPhone is pretty futuristic and amazing.

Amazon.com – Very often I will check Amazon’s MP3 store before I buy on iTunes, as they are known to run crazy sales, like $5.00 albums and free mp3 samplers. Amazon, however does not have as sleek an interface as the iTunes Music Store and it often gives me a headache with the amount of cross-sales and add-ons it tries to shove on the buyer. The other thing that I think is outright stupid, is if I buy a cd from Amazon, I should just be able to download the MP3s for free. I know that the reason I can not is no-doubt the record labels, who count on people downloading a song or two and then buying the full cd.

Cheaper

Lala.com – Lala is a flat out dream come true for music fans. It is a music store that runs completely in the browser, but has its own media player. Pricing is in two tiers, you can buy a standard mp3 for $.89-$1.29 or buy the full album for about one dollar to listen to and make playlists out of in the browser on lala.com.

Unlike most other services, when a song is previewed on Lala the preview isn’t 30 seconds, but the full song in a lower-quality stream.  With Youtube having a free full-length sample of virtually every song ever, the fact other sites limit to 30 seconds just makes zero sense. Even better, a user’s whole collection moves with them whatever computer they are on. For many people who do the majority of their music listening sitting at their computer or at work, Lala is a gift from the Rock Gods.

Lala was just purchased by Apple, with their founders becoming apart of the iTunes team. If eventually Lala and iTunes become one model, expect total music dominance.

Emusic.com – I am personally not a fan of subscription download services (except for Audible), but for people who do not mind paying plans starting at $12/a month for 24 songs up to $31 for 75 songs, emusic can be tempting. Anyone who wants can sign up for eMusic and get 35 free songs with no commitment. They initially sold themselves as the best repository of more indie and alternative music, but iTunes and Lala have caught up to them.

Cheapest

GoMusicNow.com - This site is one of the best kept secrets on the internet, so I am a little afraid to spread the the word around on it. GoMusicNow legally sells cd-quality MP3s for $.09-$.15 a piece and yes you read that correctly. The accounts are loaded with $25 at a time, which will buy roughly 270 songs from a library as inclusive as most other music sites.

How does this work and still be legal? Even though the site is in perfect english, GoMusicNow is based out of Russia. Through some crazy legal trickery, they figured out a way to pay record labels through a Russian system. Once the exchange rate of US Dollars to Russian currency is thrown in, each song is worth cents. Is this completely legal? I can not give you any guarantees, but the site has existed for a few years and won a few legal battles.

That’s right, the very same man that made all the beats that fuel jock filled frat parties across the nation, probably got beaten up for ruining the curve in biology class. In my estimation, Kanye is more likely to be able to name ten Star Wars planets, than ten baseball teams. This reality would no doubt rock the foundations of many hip-hop fans across the nation to the core.

How can I make such an accusation, you may ask? Let’s look at the following evidence that I gathered in an extremely non-sceintific fasion:

1. DORKY RETRO GLASSES

Nothing screams hipster geek than a pair of glasses bought at a thrift store and kanye seems to love them. (i do, and i admit to being a hipster geek).

2. LOVES HIS MAMA

Like any good nerd.  Picture speaks for itself…

3. SPACEY/ROBOT IMAGERY

Take a look at his homepage!  It looks like the cover of a 80′s science fiction novel.  His recent tour, named the “Glow in the Dark Tour” was filled with lasers and robots. It looked like a tech geek’s wet-dream minus the cheerleader from Heroes.

Kanye’s most recent hit “Stronger”, featured a sample and work from the group Daft Punk. Daft Punk is two french electro artists who dress up as robots, refusing to reveal their real identity. They also have a music video made in the style of anime… Interesting company for a person who sells most his music to people who spend their friday nights getting trashed and not watching Battlestar Galactica.

4. THIS BLOG POST
In a recent post on his personal blog, Kanye flipped out over comments made on digg.com. He typed most of this in all caps (to show just how angry he was).  You can read the whole post on his website, but I will point out one quote. ” I’m typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!”

This is not the actions of a hip-hop ultra-star. This is the actions of a trekkie upset about the delay in release of Star Trek 11.

5. THIS PICTURE

6. HIS SUCCESS AND ATTITUDE
Say what you will about the guy, but Kanye West’s thirst for everyone on the planet to know his name is one of the strongest in show business.  In fact, it is the subject of most of his songs.  This kind of obsession in being popular could only come from a past  scarred by getting shoved into lockers and turned down at prom.

You may not like Kanye West’s music and attitude, but in the end he is one of us and therefore I have to support him. Live Long and Prosper Mr. West.

The Hipster – These people are cool as hell and not afraid to tell you. They might not say it directly but you can tell just by the way they make their $500 outfit look like it came straight from the pawn shop. In fact these guys are so cool that they don’t even let you look them in the eye because they have their oversized sunglasses to keep you wondering what they’re thinking. There isn’t a shortage of Hipsters because it usually takes their parents a 6-7 years to realize they haven’t gone to class before they cut them off. Don’t worry though, they always have a safety net by getting a job with their father’s connections.

The Hippies – I was really suprised after my first semester at the amount of hippies there were. I thought that they all died in the 70s when it wasn’t popular to be a hippy anymore. I guess not because wherever I go on campus I can always find a tie-dye t-shirt and some dreadlocks. Hippies can usually be found “jamming” or complaining that they have to learn music theory at music school because they’d rather feel the music. Overall they are relatively friendly because no one wants to fight while stoned. Along with the hipsters they are part of the “hip” genus but hipsters have evolved their coolness to a whole new level.

The Shredder – I personally don’t mind most of the shredders. They are always on time, do their homework and don’t usually whine. Outside of school they spend their time practicing, watching Metalpocolypse and watching Yngwie videos. Do watch out though for the shredders who have to answer every question in class and never compliment one because it can lead to arrogance.

The John Mayer Clone – I hate these people. They show up straight from the suburbs with shaggy hair and acoustic guitar in tow and precede to sing a bunch of wussy cliche songs in all the local coffeehouses. They usually have a bunch of fat chicks follow them around but sometimes trick a hot girl into liking them. They work their way through class by befriending the teacher and working just hard enough to pass. A huge reason my my particular school has lost some of it’s prestige.

Asians – The Asian kids are pretty quiet. They do well in classes and you can tell they practice a lot but for some reason they never seem to just feel the music. Unfortunately you will never talk to any unless you are Asian yourself

The Old Guy – These guys can be slackers who took 7 years to do 25 credits at community college or could have just decided that they wanted to work after high school. It is relieving when you ask someone their age and they say 28. Makes me feel better about them being better at the instrument then I am. And I’ve have found that most of them are.

Girls – These are very rare. You will see maybe 7-8 for your first few semesters when you take intro courses. A majority of females will drop out after the first semester when they realize that they have to learn real music and that a majority of the males here will become taxi drivers. The rest will continue to work towards becoming “recording artists” and will probably also end up becoming taxi drivers.

Now saying that everyone fits into one of these categories is unfair (there isn’t a category for chicken lovers). But if you walk into an average class you’ll probably see that most of it is made of these types of characters. At least we share one thing in common in that we aren’t going to do anything with our degrees.

There are 50 bibles sold each minute across the world, There are 50 copies of Creed’s “Human Clay” traded in at used cd stores a day.
Winner:

Creed was formed around a couple of losers. Jesus was formed by a miracle.
Winner:

Billions of people believe in Jesus. Nobody ever really believed in Creed.
Winner:

Scott Stapp got drunk on stage and had his own fans sue him. Jesus turned water into wine in front of a crowd and was praised by his fans.
Winner:

Jesus healed the sick. Creed only hurt people.
Winner:

Creed left Scott Stapp after the fans turned on Scott Stapp for preaching too much in his music and music videos. After his people turned on Jesus for his controversial preachings, Jesus’s disciples devoted their lives to him, founding the largest religion in the world.
Winner:

Creed has sold over 30 million albums. Jesus’ “Can I Borrow A Feeling?” sold 12 copies, mostly to family.
Winner: (had to give them one)

Scott Stapp thought he was Jesus. Jesus really was Jesus.
Winner:

And the winner is…

JESUS!
As no one rocks harder than he!

= 7 = 1

You may ask, where does this calling come from? High up in the clouds there is a stairway, a stairway that leads all the way to the heavens. There, amongst the angels is a mountain, Rocklympus. Here, dwells The Gods of Rock.

The Gods of Rock watch us as we go about our daily lives and pick only the fully devout among us. To be seen as devout, one must be truly deserving. Not just the normal Rock fan will do. Such as:

- You own The Beatles “The White Album” on CD, Vinyl, Cassette, AND 8 Track.
- You know that the name of the song is “Baba O’Reilly”, not “Teenage Wasteland”
- You still scream out “Freebird!” at concerts, even if Skynard isn’t playing..
- You know that J Geils is really the guitar player, not the lead singer of The J Geils Band
- You personally have smelt of teen spirit

When one is chosen, they will instantly know, almost as if they have been thunderstruck. A Chosen One will sell everything they own, give up all relationships, and buy a guitar. Why a guitar? Because the guitar is the gate-way drug of The Rock. If one can not play guitar, they will try bass and if they cannot play bass, they will become drummers. Where do keyboardists come from you may ask? Keyboardists are just friends of The Chosen Ones who tired of their Engineering Degrees or IT management careers. A keyboardist will unfortunately never have the calling, as Keyboards just don’t rock, no matter how hard they try.

So how can you spot a Chosen One you may ask? Look for the following signs:

A. Hair: Either will grow it long as possible or shave it off. Both possibilities make for optimal head swinging on stage.
B. Facial Hair: Will grow at a faster than normal rate as testosterone levels rise and nights become longer and longer.
C. Beer: The Rocker’s life-giver. The venue will often give The Chosen One free beer in order to sustain them during their sets.
D. Shirt: Will either begin wearing band t-shirts or button down single color dress shirts (always black, never tucked in, seldom ironed).
E. Jeans: Only own one pair.
F. Condoms: The Rock will fuel The Chosen One’s libido as he spots drunken groupies in the crowds, leading him to pursue them whether “She’s got legs” or “She’s hot blooded” (he will likely check and see, and find that she indeed has a temperature of one-hundred and three).

I write this as a warning. A warning to all who read to beware The Rock. It may start innocent enough when your friend joins a band or starts going to Oz-Fest. But this will soon escalate, leaving you feeling all shook up, dazed, and confused. You may feel under pressure to help your friend, but remember that they have been called to do God’s work. They have been called to Rock.

God Gave Rock ‘N Roll to you, he put it in the soul of everyone.

Anyway as all great rock bands do Zeppelin broke up, nobody wants to see a sixty year old Robert Plant screeching “baby, baby, baby, baby, baby”. So with the legend of Led Zeppelin in the past they all went their separate ways workingon solo material.

Then one day I hear one of my favorite songs “Rock and Roll” on the TV. When I look up at the screen I see a bunch of shitty shitty cars flying across the screen. Why it’s a commercial for that overpriced car manufacturer Cadillac. I don’t know if Jimmy Page spent too much money on hookers and booze and had to license out a great song to a crappy commercial.

Cadillacs in the first place piss me off. The cars look like they’re from the near future. When I get a car it better look like it’s from 1988, now or the DISTANT future. A perfect example is the Delorean, that car is badass and I bet if you hit Superman with it, he’d probably go back in time and have sex with his mother. Then you have the outrageous prices they ask. The cheapest Cadillac is around $30,000 no options. Hell you could buy a whole bunch of Kias.

With that many Kia’s you could definitely fuse them together and create a giant robot that could battle other giant robots like in Power Rangers. I think there are enough color options to have a car for each ranger. And with all the money you save you and your friends could hire some people to play those puddy things and have mock battle scenes where you kick them in the chest.

Another thing about Cadillac is the Escalade. If you don’t know what the Escalade is it is their version of a giant turd on wheels. Costing a measly $56,000 for the basic model it can only do two things. It can attack hot girls and it can block me from seeing anything on the road. This is bad because I like to see the road as I drive and I like to see hot girls…alive.

My point is that you should boycott Cadillac. They’re nothing but money hungry hippies who are trying to steal your money. If they don’t get any sales then they won’t be able to afford to get licenses for songs. Also that money would go to Kia which would use that money to put a copy of the Power Rangers theme song as standard in each car.